From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories
This is the collection of silly quotations. Other quotation pages: First-Hand, Profound, Context-Free.

        "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."

                        --Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of
                                Digital Equipment Corp., 1977



"Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And
 East is East and West is West and if you take cranberries and stew them
 like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
 Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know."
                                --Groucho Marx, "Animal Crackers"



"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
number.  You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash
and another number."
                -- James Estes



        "My uncle just turned 75.  He never married, and someone asked
him if it was because he had never found the perfect woman.
'I found her,' he said.  'But she was looking for the perfect man.'"



"Independence Day?  I haven't gotten to see it yet. Maybe when the lines
get shorter...

The plot seems simple enough, though:
Aliens arrive from space and destroy Washington. But later they turn
out to be hostile."

        -- Steve Jackson  (of steve jackson Games) 7/6/96



        Randomly heard at an english class:

        Q: Do you like Kippling?
        A: Err... well, to be honest, I have never Kippled.


        "He, in a few minutes ravished this fair creature, or at least
would have ravished her, if she had not, by a timely compliance,
prevented him."

                -- Henry Fielding, "Jonathan Wild"



    "... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
their C programs."

                    -- Robert Firth



        We have them just where they want us.

                - J. T. Kirk


"Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it 
to gnaw through the leather straps."

	 -- Emo Phillips


[Classified Ad]

Lost:   One small apricot poodle.
        Neutered.
        Like one of the family.



        "In earlier times, they had no statistics, and so they had to fall
back on lies."

                -- STEPHEN LEACOCK



        "The notion that this is mostly about sex is nonsense.  The vast
majority of our customers have little or no interest in it."

        --  Steve Case, founder and chairman of AOL,
            Washington Post article 10/1/1996.



        "Next year is going to be a very important day for us!"

                -- Chicago Mayor Daley



        "I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see
him and he asked for my autograph!"

                --Shirley Temple.



   "We will occasionally use this arrow notation unless
        there is danger of no confusion."

        -- Ronald Graham, "Rudiments of Ramsey Theory"



                "HELP!  MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!"

                                -- E. E. CUMMINGS

                [Ed.: So I lied. What's your point?]
Warnings from the manual for Layer Express v2 (an AutoCAD extension):

Written on Page 12 (Blank page separating Ch. 1 & 2):
        To reduce the risk of shock,
        Do not remove the cover of this book.
        No serviceable components inside.

Written on Page 44 (Blank page separating Ch. 3 & 4):
        This page unintentionally left blank.

Written on Page 70 (Blank page separating Ch. 4 & 5):
        Under penalty of law
        This page not to be removed
        Except by consumer

Written on Page 88 (Blank page, last page in book):
        To reduce risk of injury or death:
        1.  Do not read while bathing.
        2.  Do not place or store where book can fall
            or be pulled into tub, toilet or sink.
        3.  If book falls into water, stop reading
            immediately.  Do not reach into water.



        "If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would
be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call
you to say they had a nice time.  Now you'll be be expected to throw
another party next year.
        What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up
several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've
been indicted for anything.  You want your guests to be so anxious to
avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning
parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from
having another one ...
        If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless
your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas
through your living room window.  As host, your job is to make sure
that they don't arrest anybody.  Or if they're dead set on arresting
someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you...."
                                        - Dave Barry




"Kids, don't try this at home!!! Go over to your neighbors house and practice!"
        - Jim Rose, of "Jim Rose's Circus" fame



Ink, n.:
        A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
                                - Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"




        "I wanna fuck everyone in the world."
                                        - Nine Inch Nails



"Heil Heil East Germany
Land of vine and grape
Land where you'll regret
Any try to escape
No matter if you take a running jump,
      or tunnel under the wall
Forget it, the guards will kill you--
     if the electrified fence doesn't first"

                                -- East German anthem in TOP SECRET



                "640K ought to be enough for anybody."

                                - Bill Gates, 1981




        "Aye, 'tis not a man. 'Tis a remorseless eating machine!"

                - The Cap'n, Referring to Homer Simpson





        "Ski that way really fast...if anything gets in your way, TURN!"

                - Better Off Dead



        "Of course we let lesbians and gays march in our St. Patrick's Day
 Parade. What would Ireland be without its fairies?"

                   - City council member of Dublin.



        "Well I can't go back to Nashville Tennessee,
         'Cause that's a place I've never been."
                - The Austin Lounge Lizards



   "That wasn't made as a reference to the fact that he talked too long."
                        --Peter Jennings, following the
                          State of the Union Address.



        "Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms?  The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which
is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime."
                - Dave Barry,
                "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every Teen Should Know"




        "just as I expected, Beaker.  you're a peanut brain!  You don't
have to be this way forever.  If you study really hard, than one day,
you'll be a peanut-butter and jelly brain!"
                                - Dr. Bunsen Honeydew on the Muppet babies.



        "I wait for my girlfriend to break up with me.
        When that happens, i have creativity for miles."
                                - songwriter Buddy Mondlock, on how he keeps
                                his creative juices flowing.



 "If you call me an airy-fairy new age hippie waif, I will cut your penis off."
                                - Tori Amos


NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?  Everything he
          says is wrong.

GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
          will be right.

                                        - G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"




"Calm down. It's only ones and zeros."
	      --unknown.



                "I was stinging under Raphael's (his professor of Philosophy)
                reproach that I was a lazy thinker and never criticized my
                thoughts, so I got busy and thought for five minutes.  As a
                consequence, I have a thorough knowledge of the psychological
                foundations of the state and got an A in the quiz this morning."

                                - Philip Johnson, while studying at Harvard.


        "Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds.
         Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl."
                                - Mike Adams



                "Ack, Thworp!"
                        - Bill the cat



"That man has the brain of a chicken!"
                        - Amanda on Melrose Place



"Why do so many men name their penises? Because they don't want 95% of
their decisions made by a complete stranger!"
                                - Simon LeBon, LoveLines, 14 Febuary 1992.



        "If someone doesn't get these people back on decaf real soon we're
all going to be history!"
                                        Lt. James Brody - seaQuest DSV



        I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar.

        What a crock.  I could easily overemphasize the importance of good
grammar.  For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause
of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
                -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"




        Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
                        - unknown



        "I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
                        - Florence Henderson


[Found in the USAir Gift Catalog]

GOPHER-IT

Prevent damage to garden and lawns from burrowing rodents with Gopher-It,
the electronic stake that emits vibration and sound that's intensely
annoying to underground rodents up to 100 feet in diameter.

Requires 4 "D" batteries, not included.

#26284 Gopher-It $49.95 (3.95)


[But what about the ROUS's?]


Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves
to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way
to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the
cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in
fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a
lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of
the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.

                -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"



Father-         "God damn it will someone tell me why I smoke these things"
Veronica-       "Cause you're an idiot"
Father-         "Oh yeah that's it"
Mother-         "You two..."

                        - HEATHERS!!!


        All is strange and vauge.
                        - Yakko
        Are we dead?
                        - Dot
        Or just in Ohio?
                        - Yakko

                - Animaniacs: Meatball or Consequences



"If meat's bad for you, then how come it's food?"
                        - Butt-head, on vegetarianism



        "If you ever drop your keys into a
         river of molten lava, let 'em go,
         because, man, they're gone."
                       - Jack Handey



        "... Now you're ready for the actual shopping.  Your goal should be
to get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on
the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children
emotionally.  For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who
befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then
melts.  And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who,
because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other
reindeer.  Then along comes good, old Santa.  Does he ignore the deformity?
Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive
reindeer he is underneath?  No.  Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as
if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a
tail.  So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of
insensitivity, you should shop quickly."

                - Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"


        Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars:
For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return
around under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours
poring over a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe money, you can
put in for an enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you,
just to avoid an audit.  What does he care? It's not his money.
                - Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"



        I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my Salvador
Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying to make a circle on
an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the highway and began hitching.  Within
three minutes I got picked up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying
20 brand new cars.  I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get into one
of the cars out back."  So I did.  And he was really into picking people up
because he picked up 19 more.  We all had our own cars.  Then he went 90
miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.

        -Steven Wright


Dave Barry on pyramid schemes:

        When primitive humans first came along, they did not engage in
business as we now think of it.  They engaged in squatting around in caves
naked.  This went on for, I would say, roughly two or three million years,
when all of a sudden a primitive person, named Oog, came up with an idea.
"Why not," he said, "pile thousands of humongous stones on top of each
other in the desert to form great big geometric shapes?"  Well, everybody
thought this was an absolutely terrific idea.  It wasn't until several
thousand years later that they realized they had been suckered into a
classic "pyramid" scheme, and of course, by that time, Oog was in the
Bahamas.



Woman:  Take me, Garth!
Garth:  Where?  You need a jacket and I'm low on gas.
Woman:  I'm going to be Frank.
Garth:  Um, can I still be Garth?

        - Waynes World 2



        "Guess what!"
                - Rachel
        "The firth dentist caved, and now they all like Trident?"
                - Chandler

                      - "Friends"



                "Yes?"
                "You know, I think there's something very odd going on
here.  You remember that fellow that was following us?"
                "Yes."
                "Well, he's standing behind me poking a gun in my back."

                        - The Doctor and Romana
                          "Doctor Who:  The City of Death"


"Now, it's quite simple to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana.
First of all you force him to drop the banana; then, second, you eat the
banana, thus disarming him.  You have now rendered him 'elpless."
         - Monty Python's Flying Circus



"Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that states that there is an absolutely
powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe-spanning entity that is deeply and
personally concerned with my sex life."
                                        --A .sig file on alt.music.nin


        "I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly
for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even
sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and
spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls."

                -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)