From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories
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From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories |
QQQ CLASSIFIED ADS: ------------------------- SWF, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover for short relationship to make old boyfriend jealous. Box 429. -------------------------- SWM, promiscuous, seeks part-time lover to make old girlfriend jealous. Box 182. ---------------------------
Announcing, from Low-Life Books, MYSTERIES OF THE OVERBLOWN This provocative new book series provides amazingly arbitrary explanations to events which lie entirely within ordinary reality. Just listen to some of the stories described within ... o In Malibu, CA, a woman suddenly feels that her grandson in New York has just received a phone call bringing terrible news. She places a frantic, long distance call ... and the line is busy. ...IT'S DISMISSED AS COINCIDENCE o A group of youths in a wooded clearing are held aloft by an unseen force. They report hearing "wow, like, really freaky noises, man." ...IT'S DISMISSED AS "BAD" ACID o As reported by dozens of observers, numerous glowing lights appear in the night sky over Denver, remaining until dawn. ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STARS o In Lynchburg, VA, a man sticks a fork in a toaster when suddenly a bolt of energy shoots up his arm, knocking him unconscious. ...IT'S DISMISSED AS STUPIDITY We can no longer afford to ignore things which may not be complete fabrications. Act now and you'll receive the exciting first book, "THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT." After that, you'll receive one book per month. If you don't want it, send it back within 30 seconds for a full refund. Many exciting titles await, from "SPOOKY NOISES" to "HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE REALLY FROM ANOTHER PLANET." Each book is $89.90, billable in 10 monthly installments of ONLY $8.99 EACH!!
Hi-Tech Haiku: the sand remembers once there was beach and sunshine but chip is warm too --Brian Roberts & Damon A. Koronakos
Introducing: L I T E the new, LIGHT way to spell "light!" With 20% fewer letters!
New Crossbred ISMs for the 90's Antisocialism. "The heart of the Nation is the worker who works alone." Intercommunism. "The proletariat shall not rest until the means of communication have been wrested from the hands of the bourgoisie." Andy Cappitalism. "Lend me five quid, luv?" "Cor, you're not investing in S&Ls again!?" Parterrorism. "Take this plane to Cuba or we overwater the flower garden!" Superegotism. "My conscience is bigger than yours." Seconaltruism. "I love humanity... as long as I take these pills twice a day." Salad Barbarism. "Emperor! The Vandals demand croutons! And forty stone of cress!" Siliconservatism. "Keep the Free Market free of foreign memory chips!" ACLUphemism. "I hear your son is a card carrying member of the- um- the Willie Horton Fan Club." Kleenexorcism. "In the name of the Lord, SNEEZE the devil right out of ya!" Hey Judaism. "Don't make it bad. Take a Seder song and make it better..." Christmasochism. "It's December 23rd! I must get to the mall!" Malaproptimism. "It'll come out all right in the wash." Tresspacifism. "We're occupying this missile base until the arms reduction treaty is signed." Lollipopulism. "There's a Sucker born every minute." Max Headrheumatism. "Wh- wh- where's my Ben GGGGGay?" Aerosolipsism. "Just one person using fluorocarbons won't make a difference..."
Tongue Twister: Betty Botter bought some butter. "But", she said, "this butter's bitter. If I put it in my batter It will make my batter bitter. But a bit of better butter Would but make my batter better." So she bought a bit of butter Better than the bitter butter And made her bitter batter better; So 'twas better Betty Botter Bought a bit of better butter. (--contributed by Ruth Deery.)
Ode To A Banana Slug Although you make my friends go "Ugh!", I love you, dear banana slug. Outside, you're foam; inside, you're goo. (What sort of goo? I wish I knew.) I poke you through half-opened doors To frighten off solicitors, And take you down to Santa Cruz, Where all your cousins squirm and ooze. You are my friend, my slimy mate, My favorite stuffed invertebrate. I like how you adorn the rug. I love you, dear banana slug. --Emily in Palo Alto, CA (Esteemed winner of the Archie McPhee Summer Essay Contest)
It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion, It is by the beans of Java that thoughts acquire speed, The hands acquire shaking, the shaking becomes a warning, It is by caffeine alone I set my mind in motion.
"I have found the secret of life: Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat."
You better not sink You better not float You better not dangle your feet from a boat SANTA JAWS IS COMING TO TOWN
How to leave the planet: 1. Phone NASA. Their phone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that it's very important that you get away as soon as possible. 2. If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House - (202) 456-1414 - to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA. 3. If you don't have any friends at the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They don't have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try. 4. If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible. 5. If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that it's vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives. -- Douglas Adams in prologue to the omnibus version of The Hitchiker's Guide To The Galaxy.
A decrepit old gas man named Peter, While searching around for the meter, Touched a leak with his light. He arose out of sight, And as you can tell from reading this limerick, he also destroyed the meter.
Teddy had a little bomb He found it filled a need Of blowing up the people With whom he disagreed One day Teddy handled his bomb Without the proper care We still find bits and pieces Of Teddy everywhere.
Unabomber Haiku. Ed McMahon of death: "You may already be a winner! Open now!" Bad Unabomber! Blowing people all to hell. Do you take requests? Farewell to tenure Sniping from the tower clock already been done Why can't I get this stupid computer to print? Time to buy some stamps. Should I comb my hair Or should I wear it matted Judge prefers it combed Remember when you Laughed at his fake fur parka? He remembers, too. "Open your present..." "No, you open your present..." Kaczinski Christmas Its circumstantial all that stuff in my cabin I found it all. Yeah. My Daddy said BANG When he taught me about sex. I misunderstood. Ted's fate worse than death: "You're assigned to prison shop. Make computer chips." i have a vision but i am misunderstood do you like my beard? The rabbits taunt me like fed'ral jack-booted thugs. Kill the rabbits. Kill. The world was all mine For seventeen years, that is I hate my brother. The postman cometh "Oh, boy! A package for me!" Twisted hermit strikes. Montana:big sky No speed limit on highway Lousy bicycle I love the outside why do the rabbits hate me? next time it's their turn fun, easy going single, white Unabomber seeks same for love, laughs
The itsy-bitsy spider climbed up the water spout bit somebody on the butt and killed him. (thank you_)
GREEN EGGS & HAMLET I ask to be, or not to be. That is the question, I ask of me. This sullied life, it makes me shudder. My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother. Would I, could I take my life? Could I, should I, end this strife? Should I jump out of a plane? Or throw myself before a train? Should I from a cliff just leap? Could I put myself to sleep? Shoot myself, or take some poison? Maybe try self immoloition? To shudder off this mortal coil, I could stab myself with a fencing foil. Slash my wrists while in the bath? Would it end my angst and wrath? To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub. I could drop a toaster in my tub. Would all be glad, if I were dead? Could I perhaps kill them instead? This line of thought takes consideration - For I'm the king of procrastination.
A nursery rhyme: Miss Suzy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell. When Suzy went to heaven, The steamboat went to... Hello Operator! Give me Number 9. If you disconnect me, I'll cut off your.... Behind the 'frigerator, There was a piece of glass When Suzy Sat upon it, She cut her little... Asssk me no more questions, I'll tell you no more lies. The boys are in the bathroom Zipping up their... Flies are in the city, Bees are in the park. Miss Suzy and her boyfriend Are kissing in the dark!
A violation of Sir Isaac was found By Megan hurtling fast toward the ground. She's not in smithereens Because on trampolines What goes down, must go up, then go down. --Kevin Ahern
High-velocity clouds are found, In disk galaxies to abound. And although superbubbles, Have given great troubles, The fountain model is sound. --Eric Schulman ("My astronomy PhD thesis in limerick form")
The following are excerpts from: "The UNO PLAYERS Manifesto" I will continue to send mail bombs containing large amounts of chicken parts, barley, and different types of gravy unless the following demands are met: 1. Instead of UNO! being called when winning, HOYLE! will be called in all UNO games played in the world. I will need a signed promise from every person in the world who can write. 2. UNO will replace every middle name in the world. 3. All lakes will be filled in with sand and gas stations built on them. 4. The letter "M" will be deleted from the alphabet. 5. That one girl from 3rd Stone From the Sun will read me a bedtime story every night. 6. Everyones favorite color will be blue. 7.The National Anthem will include my name somewhere. 8. Nobody will say: "leaflet" or "bottle neck" anymore. -- the uno player
[ominous voice-over] This is the Vampire Channel. All Vampires. All The Time. Next on Saturday morning cartoons: The Vampires. [cue theme music] Vampires Meet the Vampires They're a modern dark age fam-i-ly They've lived Hundreds of years But at least now they've got cable TV Let's fly With the family down the street Through the Windows of chicks while they sleep When you're With the Vampires You'll have a really really sucky A really sucky A really sucky time!
Lettuce Prey! Lettuce Knot. Lettuce alone! Romain calm.
Turned in on a comment card at someone's cafeteria: "I've never seen a rubber cow, I hope I never see one, but after eating Marriott meat, I'm sure that there must be one."
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall, All the King's horses and all the King's men said... "Fried eggs for all!"
"Here lies the body of Mary Ann Peltzer. She died while taking an Alka Seltzer. Called from this world to her heavenly rest, She should have waited 'til it effervesced."
Ode to Jack Jack be nimble, Jack be quick Jack jumped over the candlestick And burned his butt. Thank you. -- Dot's Poetry Corner, Animaniacs (Show 39).
Thirty Days Thirty days hath September April, June, and November All the rest have thirty-one Except for my Uncle Spit who was given thirty to life. Thank you. --Dot's poetry corner, Animaniacs.
Once upon a fine sunny day, a princess walked leisurely to her favorite reflecting pond. However, when she arrived there, she spotted a large frog staring back at her on a lily pad. She was startled when it spoke. "I am but a unhappy prince who ran befoul of sorcery. If someone were kind enough to kiss me I'd become human once more. I would be willing to reward my benefactor with marriage, wealth, and title. I am very handsome and good-hearted as well", said the frog. "Oh, how awful!", said the princess. "I will fix this at once!", she said. So she bent down over the pool's edge and kissed the frog firmly. And then with a sudden splash, was yanked under the water with a startled shriek. The water frothed for a moment and a small dragon emerged from beneath the surface. It rested on the shore and patted its full belly with the frog puppet and said, "Heh. Heh. Heh. Gets 'em every time." The end.
Row row row your boat gently undersea... HA HA fooled ya, It's a submarine!!!
"Okay campers. I work at Domino's. The list [of strange ways to place your pizza order] was hilarious, but here's the ultimate... (not sure if this works at other pizza places... each place uses different abbreviations for toppings)... order Onions, Black Olives, Green Peppers,... *gulp*... Anchovies... Sausage, and Mushrooms... they should start laughing their asses off... (that's ORGASM in the topping list!!)" Editorial note: If anyone actually tries this, I want a *FULL* report!
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells, And cockle-shells, And one god-damned dandylion.
roses are red violets are blue some poems rhyme and some don't
Sal is feared by all of us, But he's a decent fella. His label is a handicap: His name is Sal Monella. -- Al Willis (awillis@ix.netcom.com)
"Here is a good party joke. Tell several people the punch line and make sure they laugh when you tell the joke. Make sure there is at least one person who doesn't know the joke. The joke is 'What do Penguins drink at the North Pole?' 'Chocolate Milk!' The joke is completely senseless. The point is to have everybody laughing so that the person not in on the joke laughs too." -- anon
"Requiem for a lamb" Mary had a little lamb With mint jelly. Thank you. -- Dot's Poetry Corner, Animaniacs
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost r's migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
Mary had a little lamb she tied it to a pylon 10,000 volt's went up it's arse and turned it into nylon. Mary had a little lamb They had a little tiff. So Mary took the little lamb, And threw it off a cliff. Mary had a little lamb He sometimes liked to bite Mary liked that little lamb And slept with him at night Mary had a little lamb And boy, did she sure hate him But soon she learned to love the lamb At dinner when she ate him
Roses are red, violets are blue. That's what they say, but it just isn't true. Roses are red and apples are too. But violets are violet, violets aren't blue. An orange is orange, but Greenland's not green, A pinky's not pink, so what does it mean? To call something blue when it's not we defile it..... But, aw, what the hell!! It's hard not to rhyme violet. -- Dot's Poetry Corner, Animaniacs.
There once was a member of Mensa Who was a most excellent fencer. The sword that he used Was his -- (line is refused, And has now been removed by the censor).
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall Humpty Dumpty retained a lawyer and settled out of court For a lot of money and ownership of the wall. Thank you. -- Dot Warner, Animaniacs.
I have a spelling chequer It came with my PC It plainly marques four my revue Mistakes eye cannot sea I've passed this poem threw it I'm shore yore pleas too no It's letter perfect in its weigh My chequer tolled me sew -Anon
"Poets and Pigs" *ahem* "Poets and pigs, poets and pigs What is the difference? Think. Poets all have a pen and ink Pigs all have a pen and stink." --Dot's Poetry Corner.
A canner exceedingly canny, one day remarked to his granny, A canner can can, Anything he can, But a canner can't can a can, can he?
There once was a brown dog named Rufus Who had gotten so old he was toothless He chased a black cat, But the cat spat back, And now Rufus the toothless is useless.
Old King Cole Old King Cole was a merry old soul And a merry old soul was he He called for his pipe And he called for his bowl And he called Information for numbers he could've easily looked up in the phone book. Thank you. -- Dot Warner.
Pick-up lines from the middle ages 10.My that's a fine set of chalices you have there. 9.You should be glad I'm not a Viking. You would have been ravaged and plundered by now. 8.What's a nice maiden like you doing in a dungeon like this? 7.Your hovel or mine? -- Gabe 6.You can scale my battlements any day, madam. 5.I have the key to your chastity belt and you have the key to my heart. 4.Hey, Princess, you wouldn't happen to know where a lonely knight could scabbard his sword, would you? -- Kevin Conlon 3.Every second of every our of every day is like a thousand knives of fire stabbing me in the heart. I long for thee incessantly, so much that mine sorrow seems without surcease. My alliteration is small comfort next to the warm gaze of thine azure eyes. I carve the comfort of thine embrace like some lost child cold and alone in the dark.......So, you wanna !@#$? --Paul Pieper 2.You wanna go upstairs and see my Holy Grail? -- Jim Crazinazi 1.When the Inquisition put me on the rack, my limbs weren't the only thing they stretched.
Mary had a little lamb A lamb she loved to tease. Then once the small lamb bit the girl And laughed as she died from disease.
A tutor who tutored the flute, Tried to tutor two tutors to toot, Said the two to the tutor, Is it tougher to toot or, To tutor two tutors to toot? There once was a man named Magoon Who always ate soup with a fork He said "I never eat Either fish, fowl, or meat Otherwise I'd finish too quick."
A research professor (Renee), Cloned people from ape DNA. The project went well, Anyone can tell, 'Cause they're members of congress today. --Frank Weisel Montgomery County Public Schools Rockville, MD
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray At breakfast with horrid dismay, So he launched off the spoons The pits from his prunes At their heads as they neared the buffet.
Of Nantucket there once was a lass, and many an hour she'd pass wading all day out in the bay in water right up to her knees. (this doesn't rhyme now, but it will when the tide comes in)
Each night father fills me with dread When he sits at the foot of my bed; I'd not mind that he speaks In gibbers and squeaks But for seventeen years he's been dead!
A Drinking song! Ohhhhhhhh....O'Leary is dead and his brother don't know it His brother is dead and O'Leary don't know it Both of them dead and they're lying in bed And neither one knows that the other is dead... ***repeat.***
"I am sick unto death of obscure english towns that exist seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick writers---and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering relatives at fancy dress balls." -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland)
On the chest of a barmaid in Sale, were tattooed the prices of ale, and on her behind for the sake of the blind was the same information in Braille.
This limerick collection was written by noteworthy magician, author and skeptic James Randi (aka "The Amazing Randi"). "Of the need to believe I've no doubt," Said the sage as he looked all about At the annual fete Of the psychics who met In convention, their claptrap to tout. A scientist, showing no mirth, Said, "If I owned all of the Earth, I'd give all I've got For a single good shot At the goof who gave cold fusion birth." The physicist made an intrusion, On a conclave that dealt with illusion. "This meeting, by far, Would be better to tar And feather the ghost of cold fusion." The Shroud of Turin, is to me, a Patent fake like a Chinese sangria. In Italy it Would simply not fit The wardrobe of the Pope. Mamma mia! The psychic friends are so handy. I asked them for advice about Mandy. They replied "Yes do go with her in the UFO, just don't tell the amazing randi"
and now i leave like a buttoned sleve a dying rose with only nine toes i don't know what i'll do when i get there i'm just glad i brought this can of dr.pepper (doesn't really rhyme, sorry) i am but a whisper in a melted piece of glass now here is a picture of your ex-girlfriend's ass ()() - by Smile (anonimized by the person who sent it to me because i assume that he didn't want everyone talking about his ex.)
"A friend is someone you call to help you move. A best friend is someone you call to help you move...a body." - Anonymous. (contributed by Sarah Bellingrath)
"A Port Shoem" by the Speverend Rooner I've a Gouse and Harden in the country, An ace I call my plown, A treat I can replace to, When I beed to nee alone, Catterfly and butterpillar Berch on peefy lough And I listen to the dats and cogs As they mark and they biaow. Yes wature here is nunderful There is no weed for nords While silling by my windowflutter Biny little tirds. -- From Monty Python
Not long ago, someone asked "Dr. Science" of Ducksbreath Theatre about Spam. His reply: "The Spam is a living animal, cloned from hot-dog tissue and is the only mammal with no hair, teeth or bones, which is why people so seldom choose to photograph it. It's only relative is a synthetic jelly fish, the Velveeta."
Ode to Spam by Charlie Johnston Oh SPAM! Oh SPAM! Gourmet delight! My food by day, my dreams by night. To carve, to slice, to dice you up - pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup. What shining deity from Olympus knelt down to the earth and hog butt smelt? Creating then man's eternal desire for swine entrails congealed by fire. On some corporate farm, a pig has died. Eyes, tongue, and snout end up inside that cube of SPAM hidden in the can I now hold in my trembling hand. More than mere food, SPAM is for me a hedonistic expression of gluttonous glee. Mottled with pork fat, the pink cube engrosses. My mouth takes it in, my intestine disposes. Long have my arteries clogged to the sound of sizzling SPAM when there's no one around - furtively chewing or swallowing whole. Triple bypass by forty, my medical goal. Other processed meat products I've tried or declined Vienna Sausages, Treet, even pig's feet in brine. Though each may be tasty in different ways, none matches SPAM for gelatinous glaze. That glistening pinkness beckons me with gristle, fat, and BHT. Oh SPAM, my SPAM - the taste, the smell - The sacred meat product from Hormel.
A collection of SPAM Haiku ========================== Pink tender morsel, Glistening with salty gel. What the hell is it? -------------- Ears, snouts and inards, A homogeneous mass. Pass another slice. -------------- Cube of cold pinkness Yellow specks of porcine fat. Give me a spork please. -------------- Old man seeks doctor. "I eat SPAM daily", says he. Angioplasty. -------------- Highly unnatural, The tortured shape of this "food": A small pink coffin.
The Teapot I'm a little teapot Short and stout Here is my handle And here is a note from my shrink He says I'm getting better! Last week, I thought I was a toaster oven!! Ah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah hah!!! Thank you. - Dot's poetry corner, Animaniacs episode #66.
The Brain: Pinky, are you pondering what I'm pondering? Pinky: I think so, Brain, but if they called them sad meals, kids wouldn't buy them. Animaniacs episode 154 - "Brain Meets Brawn" ...which reminds me of a Fred Brenner quote: "I'd like one clinically depressed meal, please." The Scotsman
Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt, left a bar one evening fair, and one could tell, by how he walked, that he'd drunk more than his share, he fumbled round until he could no longer keep his feet and he stumbled off into the grass to sleep besides the street Chorus: Ring ding diddle i dee oh, Ring di diddy i oh, (repeat last line of previous verse) About that time two young and lovely girls just happend by and one said to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt (Chorus) They crept up on the sleeping Scot as quiet as could be, And lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see, And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt, Was nothin' more than God had graced him with upon his birth. (Chorus) They marvelled for a moment then one said we must be gone, Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along. As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow, Around the bonny star the Scot's kilt did lift and show. (Chorus) Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call, and stumbled for a tree, Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see, And in a startled voice he says, to what's before his eyes, Ah, lad I don't know where you been but I see ya won first prize! (Chorus)
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