The QQQ-Files

From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

        "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")

On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.

Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.

        See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
        Mr. Spock is at his side.
        The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
        It gets fried, scattered far and wide.

It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.

        -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics

New book release: (For vietnamese cuisine) 101 ways to wok your dog, and other fine recipies
Roses are red Violets are blue That's what they say But it just isn't true Roses >are< red And apples are, too But violets are violet Violets aren't blue An orange is orange But Greeland's not green A pinky's not pink So what does it mean? To call something blue when it's not We defile it But, ah, what the heck It's hard to rhyme `violet'. thank you. - Dot's poetry corner.
This is the poem that I wrote These are the words that are in the poem that I wrote This is the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote This is the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote This is the audience that would do anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem that I wrote This is the TV show that tortures an audience until they would do anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying ... - Dot's Poetry Corner
Question: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*! (Note: SETI == Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.)
New phrasebook entries: number one: J'amapelle le Grand Cornholio Translation: I am the great cornholio! Number two: Je voudrais tp pour mon derriere Translation: I want tp for my bunghole
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet Collecting her shell shocked wits. When dropped (from a glider) An H-Bomb beside her Which frightened Miss Muffet to bits
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN:* Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it. A cup of coffee looks good in the morning. You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee. You can always warm coffee up. Coffee comes with endless refills. Coffee is cheaper. You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM. Coffee never runs out. Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning. You can make coffee as sweet as you want. Coffee smells and tastes good. You can always get fresh coffee. You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back. They sell coffee at police stations. If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight. No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee. A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter. Your coffee doesn't talk to you. Coffee smells good in the morning. Coffee is good when it's cold too. Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in. Coffee doesn't shed. Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less. You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it. Coffee doesn't mind being ground. No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better. When coffee gets old, you can throw it away. Coffee doesn't take up half your bed. INSTANT COFFEE! You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee. It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold. Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup. *I don't mean to imply that I actually believe this, but after all the beer vs. cucumbers debates that I've heard... I think that I'm almost entitled to put this sort of thing here.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet And what a big tuffet she had. So if you're feeling insecure Just stand next to her And then you won't feel quite so bad. Thank you. - from dot's poetry corner.
I'm a little tea pot, short and stout. Here is my handle, and here's a note from my shrink. He says I'm getting better! Last week I thought I was a toaster oven!!! - from dot's poetry corner.
Once a girl went out, upon the ice to frisk... wasn't she a foolish girl for her *
Contradictions discovered in conventional wisdom: He who hesatates is lost. BUT Look before you leap. Birds of a feather flock together BUT Opposites attract. You're never too old to learn BUT You can't teach an old dog new tricks. Ask no questions and hear no lies BUT Ask and you shall receive Variety is the spice of life BUT Don't change horses in midstream. Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom BUT Faith will move mountains. The pen is mightier thatn the sword BUT Actions speak louder than words. Don't cross the bridge till you come to it BUT Forewarned is forearmed. Silence is Golden BUT The squeaky wheel gets the grease. Clothes make the man BUT Never judge a book by its cover. All the above from Reader Digest Oct. '93. By Rod L. Evans & Irwin M. Berent.
Earthworm, earthworm, in the ground You see no sight; you hear no sound You dig out tunnels underneath Without the benefit of teeth Without no teeth, nor eyes, nor hands We are behooved to understand Why with attributes so few They named a planet after you - Johnny Hart, "B.C."
I saw an old fellow of Sirius, I thought I was merely delirious. But he ate me with zeal, I'm convinced he was real That zealous old gourmand of Sirius. Jack and Jill went up the hill They each had a buck and a quarter Jill came down with two and a half Do you think they went up for water?
There's a wonderful family named Stein, There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein. Ep's statues are junk, Gert's poems are bunk, And nobody understands Ein. - Colin Douthwaite
"You are old, father William," the young man said, "And your hair has become very white; And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- Do you think, at your age, it is right?" "In my youth," father William replied to his son, "I feared it might injure the brain; But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, Why, I do it again and again." -- Lewis Carrol
And now it's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea. Good Idea -- Playing the piccolo in a marching band. Bad Idea -- Playing the piano in a marching band. - Animaniacs
COMMENT Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, A medley of extemporanea; And love is thing that can never go wrong; And I am Marie of Roumania. -- Dorothy Parker
There was a young poet named Dan, Whose poetry never would scan. When told this was so, He said, "Yes, I know. It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." There once was a man from the Styx Whose limericks went to line six. He never did know How far they should go, And never did bother to fix Them at all. There once was a man on the floor Whose limericks went to line four. He'd start up the trend, and then it would end. There once was a man from the stix, Who liked to write limericks. But he failed at the sport, Because he wrote them too short. There once was a lady from Bree Whose limericks went to line three, And never went farther. There once was a lady from Crewe Whose limerics went to line two. There once was a man from Verdun.
Said Einstein, "I have an equation," "Which some might call Rabelaisian:" "Let P be viginity," "Approaching infinity," "And let U be a constant, persuasion." "Now, if P over U be inverted," "And the squareroot of U be inserted," "X times over P," "The result, Q.E.D." "Is a relative." Einstein asserted.
There once was a girl named Maureen Who was so remarkably lean. So flat and compressed, That her back touched her chest, And sideways, she couldn't be seen.
"Nothing Will Die" - The title of a Tennyson poem, published in 1830. "All Things Will Die" - The title of another Tennyson poem, published in 1830.
"What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor? What do you do with a drunken sailor, Early in the morning... Put him in charge of an Exxon tanker. Put him in charge of an Exxon tanker... Okay, enough of that one..." - Mike Rayburn
The Pig, if I am not mistaken, Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. Let others think his heart is big, I think it stupid of the Pig. - Ogden Nash
"Here's a story, of a Dole banana, Who was hanging way up in a banana tree, All his friends had peels of gold, like the others The youngest ones still green. Here's a story, of a papaya, Who was hanging on a branch that he called 'home'. They were two fruits in the same jungle, Yet they were all alone. Til the one day when the banana met the papaya, And they knew that it was much more than a hunch, That these two fruits should somehow form a soft drink, And that's the way that we all got Hawaiian Punch! Hawaiian Punch! Hawaiian Punch! That's the way that we all got Hawaiian Punch!" - Mike Rayburn
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Silly Jill forgot the pill And now they have a daughter. - Unknown
"Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale, A tale of a fateful trip, That started at this Bajorin Port, Aboard this Fed'ration Ship! The mate was a Native Amer-i-can, The skipper, a chick... well, sure! Our crew set out that fateful day, On another five year tour. Another five year tour! The plot, it started getting weak, The tiny ship was tossed, Across the space-time contin-u-um, The Voyager, it was lost! The Voyager, it was lost! The ship wound up too far away, To return before they died. With the Ind-i-an, The Captain too! The Hol-o-gram, And the Maquis! The new re-cruit, The black Vulcan and the al-i-ens, Here on Star Trek Voy-a-ger!"
Q: How many readers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of sweat glistened on her perfectly rounded breast... Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware store to get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light from the doorway. She could see the bulge in his pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started unzipping his pants...
Dr. Demento's Worst Song Titles of All Time 1. "Mama Get You Hammer (There's a Fly on Baby's Head)" by the Bobby Peterson Quintet 2. "When There's Tears in the Eyes of a Potato" by the Hoosier Hot Shots 3. "I like Bananas Because They Have No Bones" by the Hoosier Hot Shots 4. "She Was Bitten on the Udder by an Adder" by Homer & Jethro 5. "A Bowl of Chop Suey and You-ey" by Sam Robbins & His Hotel McAlpin Orchestra. - from the Book Of Lists calendar
[Sadism Corner?] A little mouse with little feet was sitting on my toilet seat. I pushed him in I flushed him down that little mouse went round and round. A little puppy with a broken paw it's the saddest thing you ever saw I took him in and gave him meat and then i broke his other feet A little yellow kitty cat there's nothing much cuter than that I took him in and made him purr and then I tore out all his fur. A yellow bird with a yellow bill landed upon my window sill i took him in, i gave him bread, and then i smashed his little head.
There was a young lady named Twiss Who said she thought sex to be bliss. For it tickled her bum, And caused her to come siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
Little Willie, Brand new skates Hole in ice Pearly gates
Willie's cute as cute can be. Beneath his brother, only three, He lit a stick of dynamite. Now brother's simply out of sight. Willie found some dynamite, Cut the fuse off, lit the wick. Curiosity never pays. It rained Willie several days.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock, Three mice ran up the clock, The clock struck one, And the other two got away with minor injuries.
Willie fell down the elevator, Wasn't found 'till six days later. Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz! What a spoiled child Willie is!"
Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept The things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to hide the bodies Of the people I had to kill because They pissed me off.
Willie poisoned Auntie's tea Auntie died in agony. Uncle came and looked quite vexed. "Really, Will," he said, "what next?"
A lissom psychotic named Jane Once kissed every man on a train; Said she, "Please don't panic! I'm just nymphomanic. It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
Little Miss Muffet Sat on her tuffet Eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider, And sat down beside her So she ate that too.
Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: surrealist.
A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd
There once was a woman named Jane With a soft and pliable brain. When she went to the pool At her junior high school, They used her to plug up the drain.
,.;. Squirrels: a source of campus nutrition |\__/| .~ ~. /o=o'`./ .' Recipe for squirrel au vin: {o__, \ { Ingredients: / . . ) \ 1 squirrel (remove hair) `-` '-' \ } 1 Keg .( _( )_.' To prepare: :. '---.~_ _ _| Get really drunk, eat the squirrel.
Haiku: Old man seeks doctor. "I eat spam daily," he says. Angioplasty.
A Chronological Story in Complete Anagrams of "Orenthal James Simpson" OJ, He Seminal Sportsman Host OJ, Primal Meanness Mr. OJ, Meanness, Hospital OJ, Immense Sharp Talons Heisman Plot, Snare Ms. OJ Moonlit James Sharpens "Immense Harlot!" OJ Snaps OJ Slashes Prominent Ma Heisman Person Jolts Ma Inept OJ Slashes Mom, Ran She Enjoin Mortal Spasm Ms. OJ's Ron, Lame Thespian I'm OJ, Slashes Neat Ron, PM Hapless Ron Join Tame Ms. Patrolmen Hiss OJ's Name Jam, Solemn Shapiro Sent Ashen Patrolmen Miss OJ Jam, Solemn Shapiro Sent Ashen Patrolmen Miss OJ Shapiro Menses Jolt Man OJ's Solemn, Marsha Inept Ron Set OJ, Heisman Plasm OJ, Him Last Manson Spree OJ, Less Mama, Then Prison Orenthal James Simpson
"Them Banjo Pickers," by Mason Williams How 'bout them banjo pickers, ain't they fine? Same damn song for three or four times. Them banjo pickers, all they know Is Cumberland Gap and do-si-do Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings Banjo pegs and other such things Them banjo pickers, them poker-faced mugs They never do smile, they just play Scruggs You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket Just get yourself a banjo, rare back and pick it!
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job." - Steven Wright
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb? A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and replace them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!" - Steven Wright
AUAOTD: (the Absolutely Useless Acronym Of The Day): PMYMHMMFSWGAD : Pardon Me, You Must Have Mistaken Me For Someone Who Gives A Damn.
AUAOTD: (the Absolutely Useless Acronym Of The Day): WYLABOCTGWTR : Would You Like A Bowl Of Cream To Go With That Remark?
ADVERTISEMENT: Spatula City There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs: Spatula City! Spatula City! A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion. Thousands to choose from, in every shape, size and color. And because we eliminate the middle man, We can sell factory direct to you. Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas at a fraction of retail cost? Spatula City! Spatula City! And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale. Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth for just one penny. Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents. And what better way to say, "I Love You" than with the gift of a spatula. Spatula City! Spatula City! "Hello, this is Si Greemsley, president of Spatula City. I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company." Spatual City! Seven locations. We're in the Yellow Pages under spatulas. "My, where did you get that lovely spatula?" Spatula City. We sell spatulas, and that's all!" - Weird Al, from 'UHF'
Concerto For Typewriter And Orchestra In C# minor. (The following is an excerpt from the 3rd movement Cadenza:) " k i wdehfq eweme f2e34f[0 932ru 2l/m,3mr f`2o3ru8`293dn d 2efo k jed1eflyrther h2e33 f r ey 9234`j323e923845`2332 9 13er13 w 2qergqergerggrt er q wwkdjfwediueoijeo e e e 4rem24df4wefterwregteqr3tger45t ~#^~^%&)((~*^(&%#*# @~&*!*!@# ~@#&%#~*&#^~)((!)_()*#)_(&3````````` "
"If you're ever in a fight with a six-eyed green lizard monster, I think that it would be a good idea to run away, because he's probably very big and would kill you." - Some Jack Handey impersonator. (I think.)
"I gotta boogie! Gotta boogie! Gotta boogie! Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off! Wow!" -'Weird' Al Yankovic, "Gotta Boogie"
"Early to rise Early to bed Makes a man healthy but socially dead." - Wakko "Animaniacs"
Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis: (Don't ask where this one came from!) Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) Jesus was resurrected. Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John 7:37) Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
"Alternative Girl" Kurt Cobain is dead, so as his body a-molders, Alternative Girl, can I cry on your shoulder? I'll wipe salty tears with your flannel shirt and hold onto your hand to ease unending hurt I saw you at a show just the other night and you were lookin' alternative all right Whether dancin' around or just standing there with your overalls and Docs and the dye in your hair You looked so much like all of your friends who try to be different by following trends You were smoking your Camels and bobbing your head I thought you were cool for making yourself dead There's nothing like a girl who reeks of rank smoke like the kind in my heart full of coals that you stoke Later I saw you with some punk pals at Denny's like a flower with earrings in a field of many Acting like a rebel in the rebel crowd driving 'round in your van with the radio loud So come with me to a coffee house joint We'll drink lots of coffee and say, "What's the point?" We'll talk about Beats and wish we lived then so we could have been posers who got into Zen We'll curse being labelled as "Generation X" while we watch MTV and have lots of sex We'll go to Lollapalooza and dress really punk and get covered with mud and buy overpriced junk and wear the t-shirt to school just to show that we went and sneer at the teachers whom we often resent 'cause they lived in the sixties when the youth had a cause whereas all we can protest are the bountiful flaws of an upper-class life with our parents the squares and the trouble with us is that nobody cares We've got nothing to say and we think even less which naturally causes us endless distress. So then we'll start our own music 'zine and write lots of reviews and be slightly obscene with an old worn-out typewriter and a bottle of glue and a friend at the copy show who's alternative, too Then we'll pass it around in our circle of friends who act sad and depressed and sit on their rear ends as they bitch about life in the suburbs with Dad and they couldn't get a car so now they're so sad O the Angst! the despair and the unfounded woe! O the things we won't do and the places we won't go! It's ok to be lazy! it's ok to be glum! 'cause we'll live in a world full of cloves and of rum So let's wear lots of black and buy numerous books that we'll carry around to draw numerous looks from our peers at the clubs who buy Sartre and Camus but can never quite read it 'cause they're always so blue And we'll stay up all night and fall asleep on the floor Alternative Girl, who could ever want more? - From the summer 1994 Kyosaku, a publication by Mike Janssen.
Q: Hey baby, wanna come home with me? A: Wow...can two people really fit under a rock?
Friends, Romans, Hipsters, Let me clue you in; I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him. The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser. The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes; If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, And, like, old Caeser really set them straight. Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; So are they all, all cool cats, -- Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
Sadistik Christmoss Carols By Delta Ess Equals Infinity, and His wholly ness Nex Mors Death to the World: Death to the World, The time has come. We'll meet the megaton! In every principality In every municipality Armageddon has begun You can hide but you can't run The Earth shall go spinning off Into the Sun! Deck the Halls Deck the halls with bloody corpses Falalalala, la, la, la, la Go outside and slaughter horses Falalalala, la, la, la, la Now, we start our trail of bloodshed Falala, lalala, la, la, la When we're thru the town will be dead Falalalala, la la le bleah. Danny Q is coming to Town FBI's here, checkin' round twice, lookin for bombs that don't look too nice Danny Quayle is coming to town. They're wearing trenchcoats in 90 degrees Wanna restrict yer freedom of speech Danny Quayle is coming to town. They're watchin when yer sleepin. They watch while yer awake. For Communist activities and any drugs you take! Better watch out! Better beware! Or Dan'll be prez - it's really not fair Danny Quayle is coming to town ( Repeat ad nauseaum ) We Wish You A Good Vacation We wish you a good vacation Despite your meditation Upon your great damnation Homework that's due next year! Good luck and dedication Will bring the elimination Of this great Abomination Homework that's due next year! Ill tidings we bring Of your grades come Soon A pox upon the teachers And the work due next year! Oh, come, All Ye Yuppies Oh, come, all ye Yuppies, Mindless corporate puppets! Oh come, ye, come, ye, Come to your doom. We have decided Upon your damnation We'll lock you in a K-Mart We'll lock you in a K-Mart We'll lock you in a K-Mart Forevermore!! Prison Cells Prison Cells! Prison Cells! Locked in here all day! Till the day we make our break and then we'll get away! Prison Cells! Prison Cells! And now that we're loose We'll commit all sorts of crimes and scream like a lovesick moose! Single Cells Spashing to and fro Amoebae like to play In a Petri Dish Splashing round all day! There were only two, Nothing less or more But then I looked in the microscope And distinctly counted four! Single Cells! Single Cells! See how they divide! There were two on Xmas Day But then they multiplied! Single Cells! Single Cells! Nothing much to do, But sit around in a Petri Dish Dividing into two! Single Cells! Single Cells!
"If you hit a man over the head with a fish, he has a headache for one day. Teach him to hit himself over the head, and he can have a headache for life." - Sarah Bellingrath's .sig
A new dramatist of the absurd Has a voice that will shortly be heard. I learn from my spies He's about to devise An unprintable three-letter word.
Masichism Tango "I ache for the touch of your lips dear But much more for the touch of your whips dear You can raise welts like no body else As we dance to the masichism tango Let our love be a flame not an ember Say its me that you want to dismember Blacken my eye, Set fire to my tie As we dance to the masichism tango At your command Before you here I stand My heart is in my hand---ilch Its here that I must be My heart entreats Just hear thos savage beats And go put on your cleats And come and trample me Your heart is hard as stone or mahagony Thats why I'm in such exquisite agony My soul is on fire It's aflame with desire Which is why I perspire when we tango You caught my nose in your left castinet love I can feel the pain yet love every time I hear drums And I envy the rose that you held in your teeth love With the thorns underneath love sticking into your gums Your eyes cast a spell that betwitches The last time I needed 20 stitches To sew up the gash You made with your lash As we danced to the masochism tango Bash in my brain And make me scream in pain Then kick me once again And say we'll never part I know too well I'm underneath your spell So darling if you spell something burning Its my heart - *hic* 'scuse me Take your cigarette from its holder And burn your initials in my shoulder Fracture my spine And swear that your mine As we dance to the masochism tango" -- Tom Leher)

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