From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories
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From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories |
"The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
On the good ship Enterprise
Every week there's a new surprise
Where the Romulans lurk
And the Klingons often go berserk.
Yes, the good ship Enterprise
There's excitement anywhere it flies
Where Tribbles play
And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
Mr. Spock is at his side.
The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
It's the good ship Enterprise
Heading out where danger lies
And you live in dread
If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
-- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
New book release:
(For vietnamese cuisine)
101 ways to wok your dog, and other fine recipies
Roses are red
Violets are blue
That's what they say
But it just isn't true
Roses >are< red
And apples are, too
But violets are violet
Violets aren't blue
An orange is orange
But Greeland's not green
A pinky's not pink
So what does it mean?
To call something blue when it's not
We defile it
But, ah, what the heck
It's hard to rhyme `violet'.
thank you.
- Dot's poetry corner.
This is the poem that I wrote
These are the words that are in the poem that I wrote
This is the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem
that I wrote
This is the person who has the mouth that's saying the words
that are in the poem that I wrote
This is the audience that would do anything to shut up the person
who has the mouth that's saying the words that are in the poem
that I wrote
This is the TV show that tortures an audience until they would do
anything to shut up the person who has the mouth that's saying ...
- Dot's Poetry Corner
Question: How many alien life forms does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Answer: Yeah, wouldn't the guys at SETI like to know *that*!
(Note: SETI == Search for Extra-Terrestrial Intelligence.)
New phrasebook entries:
number one: J'amapelle le Grand Cornholio
Translation: I am the great cornholio!
Number two: Je voudrais tp pour mon derriere
Translation: I want tp for my bunghole
Little miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
Collecting her shell shocked wits.
When dropped (from a glider)
An H-Bomb beside her
Which frightened Miss Muffet to bits
WHY COFFEE IS BETTER THAN WOMEN:*
Coffee doesn't complain when you put whipped cream in it.
A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
You can always warm coffee up.
Coffee comes with endless refills.
Coffee is cheaper.
You won't get arrested for ordering coffee at 3 AM.
Coffee never runs out.
Coffee is out of your system by tomorrow morning.
You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
Coffee smells and tastes good.
You can always get fresh coffee.
You can turn the pot on, leave the room, and it'll be hot when you get back.
They sell coffee at police stations.
If you put chocolate in your coffee, it doesn't put on weight.
No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
A big cup or small cup? It doesn't matter.
Your coffee doesn't talk to you.
Coffee smells good in the morning.
Coffee is good when it's cold too.
Coffee doesn't care what kind of mood you're in.
Coffee doesn't shed.
Coffee is ready in 15 minutes or less.
You can't get a cup of coffee pregnant by putting cream in it.
Coffee doesn't mind being ground.
No matter how bad coffee is, you can always make it better.
When coffee gets old, you can throw it away.
Coffee doesn't take up half your bed.
INSTANT COFFEE!
You can have an intelligent conversation with coffee.
It can take up to 2 weeks for coffee to grow mold.
Your coffee won't be jealous of a larger cup.
*I don't mean to imply that I actually believe this,
but after all the beer vs. cucumbers debates that I've heard...
I think that I'm almost entitled to put this sort of thing here.
Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet
And what a big tuffet she had.
So if you're feeling insecure
Just stand next to her
And then you won't feel quite so bad.
Thank you.
- from dot's poetry corner.
I'm a little tea pot, short and stout.
Here is my handle,
and here's a note from my shrink.
He says I'm getting better! Last week I thought I was a toaster oven!!!
- from dot's poetry corner.
Once a girl went out,
upon the ice to frisk...
wasn't she a foolish girl
for her *
Contradictions discovered in conventional wisdom:
He who hesatates is lost. BUT Look before you leap.
Birds of a feather flock together BUT Opposites attract.
You're never too old to learn BUT You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Ask no questions and hear no lies BUT Ask and you shall receive
Variety is the spice of life BUT Don't change horses in midstream.
Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom BUT Faith will move mountains.
The pen is mightier thatn the sword BUT Actions speak louder than words.
Don't cross the bridge till you come to it BUT Forewarned is forearmed.
Silence is Golden BUT The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Clothes make the man BUT Never judge a book by its cover.
All the above from Reader Digest Oct. '93.
By Rod L. Evans & Irwin M. Berent.
Earthworm, earthworm, in the ground
You see no sight; you hear no sound
You dig out tunnels underneath
Without the benefit of teeth
Without no teeth, nor eyes, nor hands
We are behooved to understand
Why with attributes so few
They named a planet after you
- Johnny Hart, "B.C."
I saw an old fellow of Sirius,
I thought I was merely delirious.
But he ate me with zeal,
I'm convinced he was real
That zealous old gourmand of Sirius.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
They each had a buck and a quarter
Jill came down with two and a half
Do you think they went up for water?
There's a wonderful family named Stein,
There's Ep, there's Gert, and there's Ein.
Ep's statues are junk,
Gert's poems are bunk,
And nobody understands Ein.
- Colin Douthwaite
"You are old, father William," the young man said,
"And your hair has become very white;
And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
Do you think, at your age, it is right?"
"In my youth," father William replied to his son,
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
-- Lewis Carrol
And now it's time for another Good Idea, Bad Idea.
Good Idea -- Playing the piccolo in a marching band.
Bad Idea -- Playing the piano in a marching band.
- Animaniacs
COMMENT
Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
A medley of extemporanea;
And love is thing that can never go wrong;
And I am Marie of Roumania.
-- Dorothy Parker
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can."
There once was a man from the Styx
Whose limericks went to line six.
He never did know
How far they should go,
And never did bother to fix
Them at all.
There once was a man on the floor
Whose limericks went to line four.
He'd start up the trend,
and then it would end.
There once was a man from the stix,
Who liked to write limericks.
But he failed at the sport,
Because he wrote them too short.
There once was a lady from Bree
Whose limericks went to line three,
And never went farther.
There once was a lady from Crewe
Whose limerics went to line two.
There once was a man from Verdun.
Said Einstein, "I have an equation,"
"Which some might call Rabelaisian:"
"Let P be viginity,"
"Approaching infinity,"
"And let U be a constant, persuasion."
"Now, if P over U be inverted,"
"And the squareroot of U be inserted,"
"X times over P,"
"The result, Q.E.D."
"Is a relative." Einstein asserted.
There once was a girl named Maureen
Who was so remarkably lean.
So flat and compressed,
That her back touched her chest,
And sideways, she couldn't be seen.
"Nothing Will Die"
- The title of a Tennyson poem, published in 1830.
"All Things Will Die"
- The title of another Tennyson poem, published in 1830.
"What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor?
What do you do with a drunken sailor,
Early in the morning...
Put him in charge of an Exxon tanker.
Put him in charge of an Exxon tanker...
Okay, enough of that one..."
- Mike Rayburn
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
I think it stupid of the Pig.
- Ogden Nash
"Here's a story, of a Dole banana,
Who was hanging way up in a banana tree,
All his friends had peels of gold, like the others
The youngest ones still green.
Here's a story, of a papaya,
Who was hanging on a branch that he called 'home'.
They were two fruits in the same jungle,
Yet they were all alone.
Til the one day when the banana met the papaya,
And they knew that it was much more than a hunch,
That these two fruits should somehow form a soft drink,
And that's the way that we all got Hawaiian Punch!
Hawaiian Punch!
Hawaiian Punch!
That's the way that we all got Hawaiian Punch!"
- Mike Rayburn
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Silly Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a daughter.
- Unknown
"Now sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started at this Bajorin Port,
Aboard this Fed'ration Ship!
The mate was a Native Amer-i-can,
The skipper, a chick... well, sure!
Our crew set out that fateful day,
On another five year tour.
Another five year tour!
The plot, it started getting weak,
The tiny ship was tossed,
Across the space-time contin-u-um,
The Voyager, it was lost!
The Voyager, it was lost!
The ship wound up too far away,
To return before they died.
With the Ind-i-an,
The Captain too!
The Hol-o-gram,
And the Maquis!
The new re-cruit,
The black Vulcan and the al-i-ens,
Here on Star Trek Voy-a-ger!"
Q: How many alt.sex.stories readers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Cindy fondled the burnt-out bulb whilst beads of
sweat glistened on her perfectly rounded breast...
Her brother Billy had gone to the hardware store to
get a new lightbulb. Suddenly the door opened and
there he stood, silhouetted against the sharp light
from the doorway. She could see the bulge in his
pants.. "They didn't have any lightbulbs but wait'll
you get a load of my hardware", he said as he started
unzipping his pants...
Dr. Demento's Worst Song Titles of All Time
1. "Mama Get You Hammer (There's a Fly on Baby's Head)"
by the Bobby Peterson Quintet
2. "When There's Tears in the Eyes of a Potato"
by the Hoosier Hot Shots
3. "I like Bananas Because They Have No Bones"
by the Hoosier Hot Shots
4. "She Was Bitten on the Udder by an Adder"
by Homer & Jethro
5. "A Bowl of Chop Suey and You-ey"
by Sam Robbins & His Hotel McAlpin Orchestra.
- from the Book Of Lists calendar
[Sadism Corner?]
A little mouse
with little feet
was sitting on
my toilet seat.
I pushed him in
I flushed him down
that little mouse
went round and round.
A little puppy
with a broken paw
it's the saddest thing
you ever saw
I took him in and gave him meat
and then i broke his other feet
A little yellow kitty cat
there's nothing much cuter than that
I took him in and made him purr
and then I tore out all his fur.
A yellow bird
with a yellow bill
landed upon my window sill
i took him in, i gave him bread,
and then i smashed his little head.
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought sex to be bliss.
For it tickled her bum,
And caused her to come
siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
Little Willie,
Brand new skates
Hole in ice
Pearly gates
Willie's cute as cute can be.
Beneath his brother, only three,
He lit a stick of dynamite.
Now brother's simply out of sight.
Willie found some dynamite,
Cut the fuse off, lit the wick.
Curiosity never pays.
It rained Willie several days.
Hickory, Dickory, Dock,
Three mice ran up the clock,
The clock struck one,
And the other two got away with minor injuries.
Willie fell down the elevator,
Wasn't found 'till six days later.
Then the neighbors sniffed, "Gee whiz!
What a spoiled child Willie is!"
Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity to accept
The things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to hide the bodies
Of the people I had to kill because
They pissed me off.
Willie poisoned Auntie's tea
Auntie died in agony.
Uncle came and looked quite vexed.
"Really, Will," he said, "what next?"
A lissom psychotic named Jane
Once kissed every man on a train;
Said she, "Please don't panic!
I'm just nymphomanic.
It wouldn't be fun were I sane."
Little Miss Muffet
Sat on her tuffet
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And sat down beside her
So she ate that too.
Q: How many fish does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: surrealist.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd
There once was a woman named Jane
With a soft and pliable brain.
When she went to the pool
At her junior high school,
They used her to plug up the drain.
,.;. Squirrels: a source of campus nutrition
|\__/| .~ ~.
/o=o'`./ .' Recipe for squirrel au vin:
{o__, \ { Ingredients:
/ . . ) \ 1 squirrel (remove hair)
`-` '-' \ } 1 Keg
.( _( )_.' To prepare:
:. '---.~_ _ _| Get really drunk, eat the squirrel.
Haiku:
Old man seeks doctor.
"I eat spam daily," he says.
Angioplasty.
A Chronological Story in Complete Anagrams of "Orenthal James Simpson"
OJ, He Seminal Sportsman
Host OJ, Primal Meanness
Mr. OJ, Meanness, Hospital
OJ, Immense Sharp Talons
Heisman Plot, Snare Ms. OJ
Moonlit James Sharpens
"Immense Harlot!" OJ Snaps
OJ Slashes Prominent Ma
Heisman Person Jolts Ma
Inept OJ Slashes Mom, Ran
She Enjoin Mortal Spasm
Ms. OJ's Ron, Lame Thespian
I'm OJ, Slashes Neat Ron, PM
Hapless Ron Join Tame Ms.
Patrolmen Hiss OJ's Name
Jam, Solemn Shapiro Sent
Ashen Patrolmen Miss OJ
Jam, Solemn Shapiro Sent
Ashen Patrolmen Miss OJ
Shapiro Menses Jolt Man
OJ's Solemn, Marsha Inept
Ron Set OJ, Heisman Plasm
OJ, Him Last Manson Spree
OJ, Less Mama, Then Prison
Orenthal James Simpson
"Them Banjo Pickers," by Mason Williams
How 'bout them banjo pickers, ain't they fine?
Same damn song for three or four times.
Them banjo pickers, all they know
Is Cumberland Gap and do-si-do
Them banjo pickers talking 'bout strings
Banjo pegs and other such things
Them banjo pickers, them poker-faced mugs
They never do smile, they just play Scruggs
You want to be a banjo picker you don't need a ticket
Just get yourself a banjo, rare back and pick it!
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
- Steven Wright
Q: How many humans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Not sure; I only know it takes only one to press the button which
obliterates them all. The problem is estimating how many thousand years
will be required to rediscover the technology to manufacture more and
replace them.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with
my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while.
I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said,
"right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and
yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
- Steven Wright
AUAOTD: (the Absolutely Useless Acronym Of The Day):
PMYMHMMFSWGAD : Pardon Me, You Must Have Mistaken Me For
Someone Who Gives A Damn.
AUAOTD: (the Absolutely Useless Acronym Of The Day):
WYLABOCTGWTR : Would You Like A Bowl Of Cream To Go With That Remark?
ADVERTISEMENT: Spatula City
There's just one place to go for all your spatula needs:
Spatula City! Spatula City!
A giant warehouse of spatulas for every occasion.
Thousands to choose from, in every shape, size and color.
And because we eliminate the middle man,
We can sell factory direct to you.
Where do you go when you want to buy name brand spatulas
at a fraction of retail cost?
Spatula City! Spatula City!
And this weekend only, take advantage of our special liquidation sale.
Buy nine spatulas, get the tenth for just one penny.
Don't forget, they make great Christmas presents.
And what better way to say, "I Love You" than with the gift of a spatula.
Spatula City! Spatula City!
"Hello, this is Si Greemsley, president of Spatula City.
I liked their spatulas so much, I bought the company."
Spatual City! Seven locations. We're in the Yellow Pages under spatulas.
"My, where did you get that lovely spatula?"
Spatula City. We sell spatulas, and that's all!"
- Weird Al, from 'UHF'
Concerto For Typewriter And Orchestra In C# minor.
(The following is an excerpt from the 3rd movement Cadenza:)
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f`2o3ru8`293dn d
2efo k jed1eflyrther
h2e33 f r ey
9234`j323e923845`2332 9
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~#^~^%&)((~*^(&%#*# @~&*!*!@#
~@#&%#~*&#^~)((!)_()*#)_(&3````````` "
"If you're ever in a fight with a six-eyed green lizard monster, I
think that it would be a good idea to run away, because he's probably very big
and would kill you."
- Some Jack Handey impersonator.
(I think.)
"I gotta boogie!
Gotta boogie!
Gotta boogie!
Gotta boogie on my finger and I can't shake it off!
Wow!"
-'Weird' Al Yankovic, "Gotta Boogie"
"Early to rise
Early to bed
Makes a man healthy
but socially dead."
- Wakko "Animaniacs"
Some thoughts on Jesus and Elvis: (Don't ask where this one came from!)
Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39)
Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956)
Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25)
Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965)
Jesus was resurrected.
Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special.
Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."
(John 7:37)
Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957)
"Alternative Girl"
Kurt Cobain is dead, so as his body a-molders,
Alternative Girl, can I cry on your shoulder?
I'll wipe salty tears with your flannel shirt
and hold onto your hand to ease unending hurt
I saw you at a show just the other night
and you were lookin' alternative all right
Whether dancin' around or just standing there
with your overalls and Docs and the dye in your hair
You looked so much like all of your friends
who try to be different by following trends
You were smoking your Camels and bobbing your head
I thought you were cool for making yourself dead
There's nothing like a girl who reeks of rank smoke
like the kind in my heart full of coals that you stoke
Later I saw you with some punk pals at Denny's
like a flower with earrings in a field of many
Acting like a rebel in the rebel crowd
driving 'round in your van with the radio loud
So come with me to a coffee house joint
We'll drink lots of coffee and say, "What's the point?"
We'll talk about Beats and wish we lived then
so we could have been posers who got into Zen
We'll curse being labelled as "Generation X"
while we watch MTV and have lots of sex
We'll go to Lollapalooza and dress really punk
and get covered with mud and buy overpriced junk
and wear the t-shirt to school just to show that we went
and sneer at the teachers whom we often resent
'cause they lived in the sixties when the youth had a cause
whereas all we can protest are the bountiful flaws
of an upper-class life with our parents the squares
and the trouble with us is that nobody cares
We've got nothing to say and we think even less
which naturally causes us endless distress.
So then we'll start our own music 'zine
and write lots of reviews and be slightly obscene
with an old worn-out typewriter and a bottle of glue
and a friend at the copy show who's alternative, too
Then we'll pass it around in our circle of friends
who act sad and depressed and sit on their rear ends
as they bitch about life in the suburbs with Dad
and they couldn't get a car so now they're so sad
O the Angst! the despair and the unfounded woe!
O the things we won't do and the places we won't go!
It's ok to be lazy! it's ok to be glum!
'cause we'll live in a world full of cloves and of rum
So let's wear lots of black and buy numerous books
that we'll carry around to draw numerous looks
from our peers at the clubs who buy Sartre and Camus
but can never quite read it 'cause they're always so blue
And we'll stay up all night and fall asleep on the floor
Alternative Girl, who could ever want more?
- From the summer 1994 Kyosaku, a publication by Mike Janssen.
Q: Hey baby, wanna come home with me?
A: Wow...can two people really fit under a rock?
Friends, Romans, Hipsters,
Let me clue you in;
I come to put down Caeser, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caeser.
The cool Brutus Gave you the message: Caeser had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caeser really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
-- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caeser's laying down.
Sadistik Christmoss Carols
By Delta Ess Equals Infinity, and His wholly ness Nex Mors
Death to the World:
Death to the World,
The time has come.
We'll meet the megaton!
In every principality
In every municipality
Armageddon has begun
You can hide but you can't run
The Earth shall go spinning off
Into the Sun!
Deck the Halls
Deck the halls with bloody corpses
Falalalala, la, la, la, la
Go outside and slaughter horses
Falalalala, la, la, la, la
Now, we start our trail of bloodshed
Falala, lalala, la, la, la
When we're thru the town will be dead
Falalalala, la la le bleah.
Danny Q is coming to Town
FBI's here, checkin' round twice,
lookin for bombs that don't look too nice
Danny Quayle is coming to town.
They're wearing trenchcoats in 90 degrees
Wanna restrict yer freedom of speech
Danny Quayle is coming to town.
They're watchin when yer sleepin.
They watch while yer awake.
For Communist activities and any drugs you take!
Better watch out! Better beware!
Or Dan'll be prez - it's really not fair
Danny Quayle is coming to town
( Repeat ad nauseaum )
We Wish You A Good Vacation
We wish you a good vacation
Despite your meditation
Upon your great damnation
Homework that's due next year!
Good luck and dedication
Will bring the elimination
Of this great Abomination
Homework that's due next year!
Ill tidings we bring
Of your grades come Soon
A pox upon the teachers
And the work due next year!
Oh, come, All Ye Yuppies
Oh, come, all ye Yuppies,
Mindless corporate puppets!
Oh come, ye, come, ye,
Come to your doom.
We have decided
Upon your damnation
We'll lock you in a K-Mart
We'll lock you in a K-Mart
We'll lock you in a K-Mart
Forevermore!!
Prison Cells
Prison Cells! Prison Cells!
Locked in here all day!
Till the day we make our break
and then we'll get away!
Prison Cells! Prison Cells!
And now that we're loose
We'll commit all sorts of crimes
and scream like a lovesick moose!
Single Cells
Spashing to and fro
Amoebae like to play
In a Petri Dish
Splashing round all day!
There were only two,
Nothing less or more
But then I looked in the microscope
And distinctly counted four!
Single Cells! Single Cells!
See how they divide!
There were two on Xmas Day
But then they multiplied!
Single Cells! Single Cells!
Nothing much to do,
But sit around in a Petri Dish
Dividing into two!
Single Cells! Single Cells!
"If you hit a man over the head with a fish,
he has a headache for one day.
Teach him to hit himself over the head,
and he can have a headache for life."
- Sarah Bellingrath's .sig
A new dramatist of the absurd
Has a voice that will shortly be heard.
I learn from my spies
He's about to devise
An unprintable three-letter word.
Masichism Tango
"I ache for the touch of your lips dear
But much more for the touch of your whips dear
You can raise welts like no body else
As we dance to the masichism tango
Let our love be a flame not an ember
Say its me that you want to dismember
Blacken my eye, Set fire to my tie
As we dance to the masichism tango
At your command
Before you here I stand
My heart is in my hand---ilch
Its here that I must be
My heart entreats
Just hear thos savage beats
And go put on your cleats
And come and trample me
Your heart is hard as stone or mahagony
Thats why I'm in such exquisite agony
My soul is on fire
It's aflame with desire
Which is why
I perspire when we tango
You caught my nose in your left castinet love
I can feel the pain yet love every time I hear drums
And I envy the rose that you held in your teeth love
With the thorns underneath love sticking into your gums
Your eyes cast a spell that betwitches
The last time I needed 20 stitches
To sew up the gash
You made with your lash
As we danced to the masochism tango
Bash in my brain
And make me scream in pain
Then kick me once again
And say we'll never part
I know too well
I'm underneath your spell
So darling if you spell something burning
Its my heart - *hic* 'scuse me
Take your cigarette from its holder
And burn your initials in my shoulder
Fracture my spine
And swear that your mine
As we dance to the masochism tango"
-- Tom Leher)
Back to the QQQ-Files.
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