The QQQ-Files
Quips, page 1 of 6

From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave the cab, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison . . ."
Top 10 Added Scenes for Jurassic Park:The Lost World Director's Cut 10. Musical number where Pete Postlewaithe starts singing about his *own* dragon-slaying abilities. 9. Jeff Goldblum's other Asian 10-year old soccer playing son stows aboard for the adventure, thankfully saving everyone from a Raptor with his ball dribbling skills. 8. Instead of having to actually walk to the Control Center, Vince Vaughn uses the Mercedes' wire pulley system to pull it across the island to them. 7. Jeff Goldblum wires a Speak N' Spell, a saw blade, an umbrella and an old record player together in order to call home and get help. 6. Richard Attenborough's heart wrenching scene in which he molds a large pile of dinosaur feces and exclaims, "This means something!" 5. A cameo scene in which Will Smith appears to help Jeff Goldblum and exclaims, "Welcome to Earth," and punches out a T-Rex. 4. The small, green, flocking creatures join the T-Rex aboard the ship to San Diego, where they disguise themselves as vibrating stuffed-animals, of which a shortage soon-after occurs - causing a violent and heart-pumping climax in Toys-R-Us. 3. Due to their constant viewing of the original JURASSIC PARK, the incredibly intelligent Raptors quickly realize the sequel is exactly the same, locate the humans, and kill them all. 2. Vince Vaugn chastizes Pete Postlewaithe for employing Jeff Goldblum's daughter to polish the insides of his gun barrels, just because her hands are small enough. 1. The re-attachment of the originally shot ending, in which Jeff Goldblum uses a Macintosh Powerbook to upload a biological virus through his cell phone to the T-Rex, thus killing them and saving the world from destruction.
1. How many birthdays does the average man have? _____________________ 2. Some months have 31 days, how many have 28? _____________________ 3. A woman gives a beggar 50 pence. The woman is the beggar's sister but the beggar is not the woman's brother. Why? _________________________ 4. Why can't a man living in the USA be buried in Canada? ___________________ 5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? ___________ 6. Two men play five games of chess. Each man wins the same number of games. There are no ties. Explain. _________________________________ 1. One. You are only born once 2. Twelve. All the months have 28 days. Some just have more. 3. The beggar is a woman. 4. Because he is alive. 5. No. If his wife is a widow he must be dead. 6. They are not playing each other.
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000, and asked the little man, "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?" The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
A short history of medicine: I have an earache... 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root. 1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root
A secret agent was sent to Ireland to pick up some very sensitive information from an agent called Murphy. His instructions were to walk around town using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent. He found himself on a desolate country road and finally ran into a farmer. "Hello, said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Murphy." "Well you're in luck," said the farmer, "as it happens, there's a village right over the hill, where there's a butcher called Murphy, the baker is named Murphy, three widows are called Murphy. In fact my name is Murphy." Aha, thought the agent, here's my man. So he whispered the secret code. "The sun is shining.....the grass is growing.....the cows are ready for milking." "Oh" said the farmer, "you're looking for Murphy the spy - he's in the village over the other direction."
Old russian joke: Two Russian border guards, Ivan and Vladimir, on a cold winter morning. Looking across the border, Ivan is smiling to himself, then he notices that Vladimir is also smiling. Ivan [suspiciously]: "What were you thinking about?" Vladimir: "Same thing you were thinking about, comrade." Ivan: "Then it is my duty to arrest you."
Q: What do you get when you cross an engineer with a woodwind player? A: Someone with three piccolos, a flute, and two clarinets in his shirt pocket.
Five English gentlemen are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery. (Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as "pod" of whales or "exaltation" of larks.) They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them. The first English gentleman says, "A fanfare of strumpets." The second says, "No, it's a trey of tarts." The third says, "No, a volume of Trollope's." [Trollope was an essayist.] The fourth says, "Nope, a pride of loins." The fifth says, "No, I say it's an anthology of English prose."
A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way out in the middle of a huge forest with no people around for miles. Included in the survival gear that they give him is, much to his surprise, a martini kit. When he asks why he's receiving a martini kit, he gets told, "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really* starts to get to you, you're going to remember your martini kit. You're going to pull it out and start making one and before you know it you're going to have somebody looking over your shoulder saying, 'That's not the correct way to make a martini!'"
My wife is very immature-- Just tell me if this doesn't sound immature. She'll barge right into the bathroom when I'm in the tub and sink all of my boats!
"...still think dogs are smarter than cats? Think you could get 8 cats to go out in the cold to pull a sled around in the snow?
The grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young, tyro naval student. "What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?" "I'd throw out an anchor, sir." "What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?" "I'd throw out another anchor, sir." "But what if a third storm sprang up forward?" "I'd throw out another anchor, captain." "Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?" "From the same place you're getting all your storms, sir."
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A: An offer you can't understand
A Texan, trying to impress a Bostonian with tales about the heroes of the Alamo, said, "I'll bet you never had anyone so brave around Boston." "Ever hear of Paul Revere?" asked the Bostonian. "Paul Revere?" said the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for help?"
Enver Hoxha, dictator of Albania, dies and due to a bureaucratic mixup is sent to socialist heaven. Of course, once there he has to stand in line as St.Peter is interviewing the candidates for socialist heaven ahead of him. Ludwig von Beethoven is first. St.Peter says: "Who are you?" Beethoven says: "Eh ?" St.Peter waves his arms and cures Beethoven and says : "Who are you ?" Beethoven says: "Ludwig von Beethoven" St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers?" Beethoven says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it." Beethoven says: "Give me a choir of angels." St.Peter calls the angels forward and watches Beethoven conduct the Ninth. St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, Ludwig." Beethoven goes in. Shakespeare is next. St.Peter says: "Who are you ?" Shakespeare says: "William Shakespeare" St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ? Shakespeare says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it." Shakespeare says: "Give me a pen and paper." St.Peter does and watches Shakespeare write a new sonnet. St.Peter smiles and says: "Wonderful. Welcome, William." Shakespeare goes in. Finally it is Hoxha's turn. St.Peter says: "Who are you ?" Hoxha says: "Enver Hoxha, General Secretary of the Communist Party of Albania" St.Peter says: "Do you have any papers ? Hoxha says: "No." St.Peter says: "Then you will have to prove it, just like Beethoven and Shakespeare." Hoxha says: "Beethoven... Shakespeare ? Who are they ?" St.Peter says: "Wonderful. Welcome, General Secretary." Hoxha goes in.
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them, "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that." The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose. The pilot fumes, "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight." "Oh, c'mon," beg the two hunters, "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken." Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake. A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says, "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
(Note: From E. Germany, early '89.) One night, Erich Honnecker was in the bedchamber having some pillow talk with his mistress. He was in a magnanimous mood and offered her a present of her choice. She thought about his offer for a moment and then replied, "Oh, Erich, if there is one thing I would like you to do for me, it is this: open the borders just for one day." Honnecker said, "Of course, my dear," but was a bit puzzled by her request. He asked, "But why would you have me do such a thing?" The mistress replied, "I want to be alone with you."
A cat went to Heaven and God asked him what he would like, he replied a green velvet cushion to sit on. Two mice died and went to heaven and God asked what they wanted, too. Mice, being mice, asked for skateboards. A few weeks later, God went back to the cat to check up on him. He asked how he liked his cushion, the cat replied "it's lovely and soft and the meals on wheels are fantastic...."
"I translated 'The Satanic Verses' into Spanish, and now there's a 10 million-peso price on my head. What an insult; I'm worth more than a nickel." --Jose Simon
The Top 15 Potential Problems With Cloning Humans 15> Harder than ever to land a role in those new Wrigley's commercials featuring the Doublemint Octuplets. 14> Two words: Gilbert Gottfried(s) 13> Any scientific advancement that stems from the result of Scottish people doing strange things to sheep is bound to have dire consequences. 12> In mere weeks, Bill Gates (v1.0, v1.2, v2.0, v3.0, v3.1 & v5.0) has all the money on the entire planet. 11> Hillary's husband discovers true multiple orgasms. 10> If you think there are too many idiots shouting "Show me the money!" on every occasion now, just wait. 9> Rush Limbaugh takes his self-affection to a whole new level, and suddenly is IN FAVOR of same-sex marriages. 8> "Penn & Penn & Teller & Teller & Teller & Penn & Penn & Teller & Penn" much harder to fit on comedy club marquee. 7> And you think it's hard to find your size now! 6> 18-month waiting list for George Clooney and Cindy Crawford clones. 5> "Alternative" radio filled with even more Nirvana clones. 4> And the final score: the New York Gretzkys - 408, the Pittsburgh Lemieuxs - 399. 3> Can no longer count on the Grim Reaper to get Jesse Helms out of office. 2> Those apocalyptic words: "Ladies & Gentlemen: The John Tesh Philharmonic Orchestra!" and the Number 1 Potential Problem With Cloning Humans... 1> Suddenly OJ's defense doesn't seem quite as far-fetched.
(excerpted from [or, "oh what fun a missing word yields"] C. Lupus Irremotus & C. Lupus Rubentis wrote: >Buddy Beaudoin wrote: >>I can't believe that you are so stupid. My twelve year old son knows >> that the scriptures were originally written in English, and thus the words >> "he" and "she" aren't in there. > > God spoke English to Moses. God spoke English to Ezekiel. God spoke > English to Jeremiah. God spoke English to Ruth. And Jesus spoke English, > too. I guess you are the one who gave the writers of Star Trek the idea. GOD: [in English] "Be fruitful and multiply!" ADAM: [in Aramaic] "Huh?" EVE: [whispering, in Aramaic] "I thought you said this guy was smart!" ADAM: [Aramaic] "I think He said something about a tree." EVE: [Aramaic] maybe He means that big one in the center of the Garden. Let's go see what He's talking about." ADAM: [Aramaic] "You go ahead. Ask the snake about it."
I'm a great lover, I'll bet. -- Emo Phillips I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy. -- Emo Phillips I was walking down the street, something caught my eye...and dragged it fifteen feet. -- Emo Phillips
This frog goes into the bank and he wants a loan. he goes up to the counter and tells the clerk, Ms. Paddywhack, that he wants a loan to build on to his house. She asks him if he has any collateral, "You know, something of value we can keep to ensure that you will pay us back." The frog rummages through his trousers and comes up with a little marble elephant. Ms. Paddywhack looked at it dubiously and then took it to her bank manager. Know what the manager said? Its a knick knack Paddywhack, give the frog a loan!
An airline pilot with poor eyesight had managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that she'd been hoodwinked. Well, the pilot proved to be nearly blind as a bat. But the doctor could not contain her curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?" "Well," says the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years." "I can understand that," replies the doctor. "But what about the take-off?" "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!" "But once you're aloft?" "Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself." "But I still don't see how you land!" "Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!" -- Aaron Endelman
The dew was still wet as the prisoner was let out into the yard for the last time. The soldiers of the firing detail shuffled out to their usual positions as the guards led the prisoner to the stake at the far end of the paddock. There, he was securely bound as the captain of the guards stepped forward to contend with the final courtesies. "Blindfold?" he inquired. "No, thank you," said the condemned. The captain was a little taken aback at the difficulty and leaned forward so as not to be heard. "Please," he said, "take the blindfold. It is not an act of cowardice to be spared this spectacle. It makes it MUCH easier for you." The condemned thought for a moment and relented. The blindfold was tied over his eyes. "Cigarette?" offered the captain. "No thanks," said the prisoner, "I don't smoke." Here again the captain paused and thought of a tactful approach. He leaned in and spoke in a confidential tone. "No matter. Please take the cigarette. It makes it MUCH easier for the men on the firing squad." -(c. 1989 Tony Lovell)
(This joke is old and is from a time when "even in France," certain rubber and leather goods were not openly sold.) An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a "chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our friend directions. The store--if that is what it is--looks a little seedy and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our friend. He speaks first: "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un capeau noir?" "Ma femme est morte." "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!"
An eight year old girl is trying to check out a book entitled "Advice for Young Mothers" from the local library. Librarian: Now why do you want to check out this particular book, dear? Little girl: I collect moths.
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!" House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618 "Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!" As they passed Westminister Abbey the cabby was silent. "Whoah! What's that over there?" "Damned if I know, wasn't there yesterday..."
An Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman were sitting in a pub, each quaffing a pint of Guinness. Three flies buzzing down from the ceiling lazily circled each drinker and eventually, "buzzzplooop," each fly landed in a different glass. The Englishman gave a disgusted look at his pint, dipped the fly out with a spoon, flicked it over his shoulder, and drained the glass. The Aussie noticed the fly as he put the glass to his lips and just kept on drinking. They both looked on amazed as the Scotsman carefully grabbed the fly by its wings, gently lifted it and shook it out above his glass, shouting "Spit it out!!! Spit it out!!! It's mine!!!"
Once when Muhammed Ali was flying, the stewardess came over and asked him to fasten his seatbelt. Ali told the stewardess, "Superman don't need no seatbelt." The stewardess replied, "Champ, Superman don't need no plane."
Q: Is it good manners to eat fried chicken with your fingers? A: No, you should eat your fingers separately.
NEWS FLASH: Uri Geller Killed In Freak Accident. (He rubbed the back of his neck and his head fell off.)
Three mice are sitting in a bar talking about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it's closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut 'em up, and snort 'em just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to give the cat a bath."
A pig walks into a bar and orders a scotch and soda. After he finishes his drink, he asks the bartender if it's ok to use the bathroom. The bartender says it's fine, and once he's done he leaves. Twenty minutes later, another pig walks in, orders a scotch and soda, and asks to use the bathroom. Twenty minutes after that, one more pig comes in and does the same thing. Twenty minutes after that, a pig walks in and orders a scotch and soda. When he's done with his drink, he starts to walk out, but the bartender asks "Hey, aren't you going to use the bathroom?" The pig replies, "Nah, I'm the one who goes wee wee wee all the way home."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
An engineer, a polack and a priest all walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What is this, a bad joke?"
An airline pilot was walking through the airport when a pair of college students came up to him. They asked him, "Sir, we hate to bother you, but we are doing research for our psych class on the sex lives of grown adults. Would you please tell us the last time that you had sex?" Without hesitating, the pilot replied, "1959." The girl said, "Wow, that was a long time ago!" The pilot looked at his watch and said, "You college kids must really be something! Heck, it's only 2110 right now."
An upstanding citizen was asked by his church to give a talk on adultery. However, this man's wife was very prim and narrow-minded. The man, knowing she would never approve of the proposed topic, told her he was giving a speech but that it was going to be on boating. His talk on adultery was such a success that when a church member saw the wife in the grocery store the next week the church member commented, without mentioning the subject talked about, how much she had enjoyed the man's speech. "I'm really surprised he knew so much about it," the man's wife exclaimed. "He's only done it twice in his life. The first time he threw up and the second time his hat blew off."
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley of Chicago. Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating who should be allowed to stay. The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair thing to do is to vote on it." So they did. Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL THAT YOU'RE LIVING IN A HORROR MOVIE 10. That sinking feeling in your stomach is an alien trying to get out. 9. All of your friends have been killed by an indestructible psychopath wielding a chainsaw. 8. You wake up and discover that you're in Castle Rock, Maine. 7. Your recliner is known in the neighbourhood as "Old Sparky." 6. Redrum is always the answer to your local paper's crossword puzzle. 5. Stephen King makes a cameo appearance in your backyard. 4. It's not the ghosts from the cemetery your house is built on that bother you - it's the blood flowing from the faucets. 3. Your pest exterminator has to use holy water. 2. Clive Barker wants to write your biography. 1. That darned scary background music. (c)1996 Mary Stewart

Next page of Quips.

Back to the QQQ-Files.

[Quips][Quirks][Quarks][Quotations]["True Stories"][One-Liners][Extras]

See other cool stuff at

Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories