A man goes into a chemists one day and starts giggling. The chemist asks what the man wants and the man replies that he wants a three pack of condoms. Still giggling, he exits the shop after making his purchase. The next day the same man goes into the chemists. When the chemist asks what he wants, the man starts laughing and manages to reply that he'd like a three pack of condoms. The chemist thinks this highly unusual behavior, but serves him and the man departs. The day after, the man comes into the chemists again. This time he's roaring with laughter and can hardly speak but still manages to ask for a three pack of condoms. The chemist was perplexed. What was wrong with this guy? Was he on drugs or something? Anyway, the next day, the same man comes into the the chemists again. He can hardly walk because he's laughing uncontrollably. But still he manages to gesture towards a three pack of condoms. After the man leaves, the chemist decides he's had enough and sends his assistant out to follow him and tell the chemist what he's up to. About twenty minutes later, the assistant returns to the shop laughing his head off. "What's happened? What did he do? Where did he go?" asked the chemist. "He went to your house!" replied his assistant.
CHELSEA CLINTON'S TOP TEN WHITE HOUSE COMPLAINTS 10.Mom and Dad won't allow slumber party in the Oval Office 9.Those secret service guys don't know a thing about calculus 8.Childproof locks still on some doors from Dan Quayle's days 7.Even socks get more media attention 6.The other kid's houses don't get shot at 5.It's a $300,000 toilet seat and it still is never down 4.George Stephanopolis constantly hogging nintendo 3.Her dad never lets her drive the limosine 2.Phone calls to boyfriend taped by FBI 1.No one belives her when she orders a pizza
Three hunters, a Texan, a Californian, & an Oregonian, are gathered around a campfire. The three have been drinking & bragging about the virtues of their home states. Suddenly, the Texan say "Watch this." He opens a bottle of tequila, takes a swig, tosses it in the air, pulls out a pearl handled revolver & shoots the bottle cleanly in half. "It's a shame to waste that good liquor," the Californian says. "It's OK," the Texan replies, "Where I come from, we've got plenty of that." Not to be outdone, the Californian pulls out a bottle of white zinfandel. He pulls off the cork, takes a drink,throws the bottle in the air, whips out an assault rifle & blasts the bottle, sending shards of glassevery where. "Shame to waste good wine," the Texan says. "It's OK," the Californian says. "We've got plenty in my state." At this point, the Oregonian stands up. He pulls out a Henry's, twists off the cap & guzzles the entire beer. He throws the bottle high in the air, pulls out a shotgun, empties barrels into the Californian & neatly catches the bottle. The Texan stands in shock. The Oregonian calmly puts the gun down. "It's OK," he says, "We've got plenty of them in my state. Besides, this bottle is worth a nickle."
A man is in the dock, the Judges says,"one the 3rd August you are accussed of killing you wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?" "Guilty", said the man in the dock. At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty bastard!". The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise. The Judge continued "..... and that also on the 17th September you are accussed of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead". "Guilty", said the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted "You dirty rotten stinking bastard". At this point the Judge called the man to the Bench and said "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but please tell me what relationship have you to the man in the dock". He replied "He is my next door neighbour". The Judge replied "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments". The man replied "No, your Honour, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and on both occassions he said he didn't have one".
Procrastinator's Creed * I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already. * I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses. * I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration. * I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them. * I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations. * I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given. * I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero. * If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year. * I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind. * I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it. * I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task. * I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan. * I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. * I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.
"'The Magic Flute.' People chased by dragons. Protective flutes and bells. Colored lights and music. (Maybe they should have called it 'The Magic Mushroom.') --Ad for the Austin Lyric Opera, 11/8/96, Austin Chronicle
Staking out a notoriously rowdy bar for possible drunk drivers, a cop watched from his squad car as a fellow stumbled out the door, tripped on the curb and tried five cars before opening the door to his own and falling asleep on the front seat. One by one, the drivers of the other cars drove off. Finally, the sleeper woke up, started his car and began to leave. The cop pulled him over and administered a Breathalyzer test. When the results showed a 0.0 blood-alcohol level, the puzzled policeman asked him how that was possible. "Easy," was the reply. "Tonight was my turn to be the decoy."
There are two secrets to success in life: 1. Don't tell people everything you know.
A drunk staggers into the bar (obviously not the first he visited that night). He offers the bartender a deal: He will put on an entertaining show in return for his evening's libation. The drunk then reaches into his pockets and pulls a rat out of his left pocket, and a frog out of his right pocket, setting them on the bar. To the amazement of the bartender and customers, the rat begins to tell jokes to the frog. The bartender quickly agrees to the deal, and everybody has a great time. At the end of the evening, a man approaches the drunk. "Look, I'm a theatrical agent, and I'd love to book your act!" "I'm retired," answers the drunk. "Well, then, I'll buy them from you. I'll give you a thousand dollars for the rat and the frog!" "Nope." "Five thousand!" "Not interested." "Ok, ok," says the exasperated agent, pulling out a wad of cash. "I'll give you ten thousand bucks just for the rat!" "It's a deal," says the drunk, who takes the money and gives the agent the rat. After the agent leaves, the bartender remarks, "Look, it's none of my business, but you got ripped off. You could have made a million dollars with that act!" "S'ok," says the drunk, finishing his drink. "The frog is a ventriloquist."
Two lobsters were sunbathing on the beach. The lady lobster suggested that the bloke go to get them each some ice cream. Having purchased two cornets Mr Lobster made his way back to the beach, deciding on the way to eat his ice cream. By the time he had finished the ice cream he realised that his lady friend's ice had started to melt all down his claw, so he licked it up and ended up eating it. When he arrived back at the beach his lady lobster friend exclaimed "Where's the ice cream?" "Well" he said. "I decided to eat mine, then yours melted so I ate that too." His lady friend was incensed and cried "You shellfish bastard!!"
One morning a man answered a knock at his door. There stood a six-foot-tall cockroach. "May I help you?" the man asked, whereupon the cockroach punched him in the face. The man later went to his doctor to have his bruised eye examined. "Aah, yes," said the doctor, "I hear there's a nasty bug going around."
In the beginning, there was darkness and void. Then God said, "Let there be light." And there was still nothing but at least you could see it.
Two cars collide. Both drivers, slightly injured, stumble out of their cars. One pulls out a bottle of whiskey and offers it to the other, saying, "Man, you look real shakey. Better have something to steady your nerves." The other driver takes the bottle and drinks a big swig, then hands the bottle back. A few minutes, the driver offers the other the bottle again and he takes another big swig and hands the bottle back, then asks, somewhat puzzled, "Aren't you going to have some too?" "Oh, lord no! Not 'til the cops have been here and left."
warning seen on laundry detergent box: "In case of eye contact, flush with water. If swallowed, give a glass of water, ingest dirty clothes and shake vigorously."
The Top 10 Signs Your Cat has a Personality Disorder 10> Sits for hours in fascination while listening to Bob Dole. 9> Teeth and claw marks all over your now-empty bottles of Prozac. 8> No longer licks paws clean, but washes them at the sink again and again and again... 7> Continually scratches on the door to get in... the OVEN door. 6> She's a dues-paid, card-carrying member of the Reform Party. 5> Has built a shrine to Andrew Lloyd Webber entirely out of empty "9 Lives" cans. 4> Spends all day in litterbox separating the green chlorophyll granules from the plain white ones. 3> After years of NPR, Tabby is suddenly a Ditto-Puss. 2> Your stereo is missing, and in the corner you find a pawn ticket and 2 kilos of catnip. and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat has a Personality Disorder... 1> Makes an attempt on "First Cat" Sock's life in a pathetic attempt to impress Jodie Foster. [ This list copyright 1996 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
Out of date news: Safeway has offered to buy the Von's grocery chain for 3 billion dollars. Analysts say if they would wait, they could get it for half that. Tomorrow is double coupon day.
Never pride yourself on knowledge. Remember, even a head of iceberg lettuce knows more than you do. It knows whether or not that light really does go out when the refrigerator door shuts.
"Doctor, is it really true that eating carrots improves ones eyesight?" "Of course. Have you ever seen rabbits wearing glasses?"
When the preacher's car broke down on a country road, he walked to a nearby roadhouse to use the phone. After calling for a tow truck, he spotted his old friend, Frank, drunk and shabbily dressed at the bar. "What happened to you, Frank?" asked the good reverend. "You used to be rich." Frank told a sad tale of bad investments that had led to his downfall. "Go home," the preacher said. "Open your Bible at random, stick your finger on the page, and there will be God's answer." Some time later, the preacher bumped into Frank, who was wearing a Gucci suit, sporting a Rolex watch, and had just stepped out of a Mercedes. "Frank," said the preacher, "I am glad to see things have really turned around for you." "Yes, preacher, and I owe it all to you," said Frank. "I opened my Bible, put my finger down on the page and there was the answer....Chapter 11."
The new Mayor was making his first official visit to the local asylum, when he saw a patient sitting cross-legged in his cell, holding what seems to be a fishing rod. Seeking to be friendly, he asked, "what are you doing?" "Fishing," the man said. The Mayor was amused, and playing along with the joke, he said, "caught any fish?" "What, on dry land? You must be crazy."
An elderly woman opened her refrigerator one day and found a little bunny rabbit sitting inside. "What do you think you're doing in my refrigerator?" she demanded. "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" replied the rabbit. "Yeah....so what?" "I'm just westing."
A guy hears a knock at his door. Opening the door and looking down, he see a snail on the porch. The snail looks up at the guy and says, "Hi!" Guy picks up the snail, tosses it across the yard, and walks back into the house. Two years later there's a knock at the door. The guy opens the door, looks down, and the snail says, "Hey! What the hell was that all about?"
A promotional VP with Kentucky Fried Chicken approached a Cardinal with the following proposition for the Catholic Church. "Your Eminence," she began, "We at KFC would like to pay the Vatican $100 million if you will change just one word in the Lord's Prayer. We would like you to change 'from our daily bread' to 'our daily chicken'." The Cardinal was taken aback and assured the VP that such a request could not be done. But the VP was persuasive and kept upping the ante until finally she had offered a half billion dollars for just one little change. Well, the Cardinal couldn't refuse to take such a substantial offer to the Pope so he grabbed the next flight to Rome where he got an immediate audience with the Pope. "Your Holiness," he began, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we have been offered enough money to get the Church out of debt." "That's fantastic!" cried the pontiff. "What's the bad news?" The Cardinal said, "We'll lose the Wonder Bread account."
The phone rings in heaven. St Peter answers, "Hello? Yes..yes..yes, just a moment." Putting his hand over the receiver, he continues, "God, it's the Pope; he wants to discuss women in the clergy again." God, tired of the Pope and his problems, sa ys, "Look, there are millions of people praying right now, I'm trying to plan Armageddon, tell him I'm just not available." "Of course," St Peter replys. Removing his hand from the phone, he says to the Pope, "She's not available right now..."
"Rumor has it Jackie Chan's new movie is going to be about ballroom dance. He's going to call it Rhumba in the Bronx."
There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review commitee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study. With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review commitee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student. "There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group." Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..." "Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."* *[Editorial note: One bad pun deserves another] Q: Why don't seagulls fly around bays? A: Because then they would be called bagels!
Top Ten Things You Don't Want to Hear When Regaining Consciousness 10.Hold still, we've almost pried its jaws open. 9. I'm sorry, but we were only able to thaw your head. 8. I didn't even know one could bend that way, let alone both. 7. Do you think he can hear us? 6. Why does it say DROF on his head? 5. What? Who's in the other bed? Actually, that's also you. 4. Blink once for yes. 3. Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still kicking. 2. Quick! Hide the will! 1. I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. -- Alan Meiss
"Gotta get that Amex platinum card... This guy bought a $2.5 million Roy Lichenstein at Sotheby's, and paid for it with his American Express Platinum card. Not only was this the largest single purchase ever paid for with an Amex card, but he also gets 2.5 million frequent flier miles..."
A butcher was waiting on one woman when a second woman ran into the shop. "Quick," the second woman said to the butcher, "give me a pound of cat food, will you?" Then she turned to the woman who had been ahead of her at the counter. "I hope you don't mind my butting in ahead of you," she said. "No," said the first woman, "not if you're that hungry."
Did you hear that Matel is coming out with new Divorce Barbie? She comes with all of Ken's stuff...
A woman had a knock at her door, and when she answered it, a man was standing there. "I'm sorry," he said, "but I have run over your cat, and I would like to replace it." The woman said, "Alright, but how are you at catching mice?"
Q: What did the funnel say to the collander? A: "Don't give me that holier-than-thou attitude!"
A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and suprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the plans."
"Last Halloween was bad for me. I got real beat up. I went to a party dressed as a Pinata." --Jim Samuels
"...So the boy octopus married the girl octopus and they walked down the aisle hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand, hand in hand."
Q: How do you catch a rabbit? A: Hide behind a tree and make noises like a carrot
My wife noticed our neighbor leaving for work...embrace his wife passionately...and kiss her goodbye. "Now why can't you do that?" she asked me. "Don't be silly," I told her. I hardly know the woman."
While driving on the main highway through town, a man strummed a guitar he held in his lap. A policeman pulled him over, got out of the police car, and walked over to the driver. "Do you know you're a menace to the safety of hundreds of people?" the cop asked. "No," the driver said. "How does it go?"
Did you ever see geese flying overhead in a "V" formation? Why is it that one line of the "V" is always longer than the other? It's because there are more birds in that line.
One of the most ornate and widely gossiped-about houses of ill repute in the country was invaded by a band of unromantic robbers some nights ago, and all the cash and valuables on the premises were taken. The moral of this sad tale is that too many crooks spoil the brothel.
Diner 1: Do you stir your coffee with your left hand or your right hand? Diner 2: My left hand, why? Diner 1: Funny, I use a spoon.
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at me...in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?" The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother!"
God calls the Pope and says, "I've got some good news, and some bad news." The Pope, very excited, wants to hear the good news. God says, "I've decided to clean up the situation of multiple religions on Earth, and there will now be one church, and one religion." The Pope, excited but bewildered, says, "That's fantastic! What possibly could be the bad news?" "I'm calling from Salt Lake City."
"Good news for Kiss fans. They announced today that they were going to start their first world tour in fifteen years. And they said it's gonna be just like the good old days. They're gonna be in full make-up, and they're gonna suck." -- From Bill Maher on 'Politically Incorrect'
From the day of their wedding two years before, Maggie had been naggin her husband about his past. "Come on, tell me," she asked again, "how many women have you slept with?" "Honey," he said, "if I told you, you'd just get mad." "No, I promise I won't. Please," she pleaded. "Well, OK. Let's see. One, two, three, four, five, you, seven...."
A hotly contested ball game was in progress in a remote section of a Hawaiian island when a wild boar suddenly bolted from the woods and charged at the terrified villager playing left field. The fielder was lucky. At this precise moment the batter rifled a hit between third base and shortstop. The ball hit the boar amidships. The boar stopped in his tracks, then grabbed the ball in his mouth, swallowed it, and vanished back into the woods. The umpire proved he was equal to the occasion. He promptly ruled the hit an inside-the-pork home run.
There was a funeral for this little old woman. The funeral was held on this relatively steep hill. The coffin had the wheel locks on it that you turn, and they lock in place, keeping (in this case) the coffin from rolling. In the middle of the funeral service, all of the sudden the wheel locks broke, and the coffin started rolling down the hill. At the bottom of the hill was a road, and across the road was a pharmacy. The coffin, picking up speed, quickly rolled past the road, and crashed through the door of the pharmacy. It rolled all the way back to the pharmacist's counter. When it slammed into the pharmacists counter, the top of the coffin opened because of the impact. The pharamcist leaned over the counter and asked "Can I help you?" The old woman in the coffin sat up and responded with a question: "Do you have anything that can stop my coffin?"
Pat Buchanan said that there is no room on his staff for Racists or White Supremacists. Of course not. Those postions were filled months ago. -- Heard on a C-SPAN panel discussion
A man went into a bar and ordered a martini. When he got through drinking it he ate the top part of the glass. After he had eaten that, he turned the glass over and ate the base too. Then he carefully laid the stem down on the counter and ordered another martini. The bartender got it for him and didn't say anything. The man did the same thing with the second martini: he drank it, then ate the top of the glass, turned it over, ate the base, and carefully laid the stem on the counter beside the first one. He continued to do this until he had five stems laid in a row on the bar. Up to this point the bartender hadn't said a word. Of course the man was getting pretty sloshed, so he looked at the bartender belligerently and said, "I bet you think I'm crazy, don't you!" The bartender looked him straight in the eye and replied, "You sure are! The stem's the best part!"
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. A man suddenly elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?" "I am an income tax collector," gasped the man. "In that case," said the stranger, "TAKE my hand!" The man immediately grasped the strangers hand and was hauled to safety. The stranger turned to the amazed bystanders. "Never ask a tax man to GIVE you anything, you fools."
Q: How many nuclear waste disposal operatives does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. When you glow in the dark who needs light bulbs?
"Oh, this is an interesting thing I uh gave my cat a bath the other day. You know, I'd always heard that you weren't supposed to give cats baths but my cat came home and he was really dirty and I decided to give him a bath and it was great. If you have a cat, don't worry about it, they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it , uh it was fun for me and you know, uh, the fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that, it was great..." -Steve Martin, Let's Get Small
There's this guy talking to farmer out on a farm (that's where most farmers are). They're makin' small talk about one thing or another. Suddenly, this guy sees a pig come trotting out of the field and nuzzling at the feet of the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. The guy's puzzled by this, but doesn't wanna make an issue of it. He talks about the weather, the crops, and such. Finally, curiosity gets the best of him and he asks: "Why the hell does this pig have a wooden leg?" The farmer narrows his eyes at the guy and warns: "You be careful what you say about that pig." He says, "This pig's real special to me. Let me tell you somethin'. Last week, I was out plowing the back 40. Tractor went up an incline--overturned on me. The seat pinned me the the ground ... I couldn't breathe!" He points at the animal, "This pig. This pig right here came racing out of the barn. Started digging me out. Pulled me out by the collar. Gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation." he says. "That pig saved my life!" The guy is awestruck. "That's amazing." "Let me tell ya somethin' else." the farmer continued. A couple of months ago, the wife and I were sleeping in the back of the house. An ember from the fireplace must have come out on the carpet. The drapes went up, the whole room was on fire." He looks down, "That pig .. that pig right there came racing up yard. Started jumpin' and squealin', banged his snout against the window pane. The wife and I heard it -- we got up and we was saved. That pig saved our lives." The guy is dumbfounded. "That's incredible. That's absolutely the most amazing thing I've ever heard. But why does he have a wooden leg?" The farmer spits. "Are you kidding? When you got a great pig like this, you don't wanna eat him all at once." -- Dave Furstenau
Q: What kind of charge do you get when you mix acid and base in a chain of electrolytic cells? A: A salt and battery.
Mother: Did you give the goldfish some fresh water this morning? Billy: No, because they haven't finished the water I gave them yesterday.
Q: How many people belonging to a certain ethnic group does it take to perform a particular menial activity? A: A finite positive integer. One to perform the activity, and the rest to behave in a manner stereotypical of their ethnic group!
A man is driving down the road with a car load of penguins and gets pulled over by a cop. The cop says,"Sir, you need to take those penguins to the zoo immediately." The man says, "OK" and the officer lets him go. The next day, the officer sees the same man pass him with the penguins still in his car, only this time they all have sunglasses on. The officer pulls him over and says, " Sir, I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo!" The man replies, "I did sir, and today we're going to the beach!!"
Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had everyone glued in their seats!" Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it!"
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb? . 462: 12 to investigate Clinton's involvement in the failure of the old bulb, 23 to deregulate the light bulb industry, 16 to cut funding for alternative lighting R&D, 34 to cut the tax rate on light bulbs, 53 to design a block grant so the states can change their own bulbs, 41 to talk with defense contractors about night-vision gear instead of bulbs, and 283 to pass a law making it illegal to discuss naked bulbs on the Internet.
Q: What do you get when you cross a cat with a mouse? A: A cat! -- Josh Bettoni Q: What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? A: Halfway!
"There's a lot to be said about this show." "Yeah, but you can't say it on a family show." --Statler and Waldorf, on "Muppets Tonight"
"My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York." "I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles.' That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired." "I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums." ...That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories." "License and registration, please." "There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration, please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket." -- Steven Wright
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