From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

        In the traffic court of a large Midwestern city, a young lady
was brought before the judge because of a ticket given her for driving
through a red light.  She explained to His Honor, that she was a school
teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that
she might hasten on to her classes.
        A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.  "You're a school
teacher, eh?" said he.  "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition.
I've waited years to have a school teacher in this court.  Sit down at
that table and write `I went through a red light' 500 times!"



London (IRA) - Thousands of angry cows took to the streets of London, England
today to protest harsh media coverage of the "mad cow disease".

"Sure we're mad" said one cow. "We're mad as hell and we're not going 
to take it anymore. If they think that we can be cowed into silence on this, they're wrong"

"Things cud get ugly" added another. "We've been given a bum steer; 
this is quadruply difficult to stomach"

"Je pense que c'est vachement mieux en France; ici c'est terrible" mooed
another. "They're way off in left field on this one".

The British government was last seen getting a line of bull ready to
 respond to the cowcerned citizens. All previous attempts to calm 
them have been an udder disaster.



        Fred walks into a psychiatrist's office one day and says to the
psychiatrist, "Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me.  It's
really strange, sometimes I feel like a teepee."

The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.

So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."

To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just
two tents."



This guy comes into a bar and orders three separate shots of Irish
whiskey.  He downs one, engages in casual conversation with the
bartender, eventually finishing the other two. This goes on for a few
days and the bartender finally says, "You know, I can put all three shots
in one glass for you."  The other gentleman replies, "No, I prefer it
this way. See, I'm very close to my two brothers. They're both out of the
country now and this represents a drink for each of us. This way I can be
closer to them and feel like we are all having a drink together."
The bartender agrees and continues to set them up as requested.

This goes on for several months, and then one day, the guy orders two
shots. Well the bartender begins to worry that maybe something has
happened to one of his brothers. He's gotten to know this guy over the
month and finally feels it necessary to ask.   "Is everything all right?"
the bartender asked.
"What do you mean?" replied the gentleman.
"Well," the bartender said, "all these months you've ordered three
drinks.  Now you've only ordered two.  Something didn't happen to one of
your brothers, did it?"
"No," the gentleman replied. "They're fine. It's just that I quit drinking."



        Q: What can lie on the ground a hundred feet in the air?
        A: A dead centipede.


        One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
        most gorgeous blond Chinese girl...  I sat beside her.  I said,
        "Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
        it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
        problem."  So I asked, "What's the problem?"  She replied, "I
        can't tell you.  I don't even know you..."  I said, "Well
        sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
        on a bus."  So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
        nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys...  By the way, my
        name is Denise."  I said, "Hello, Denise.  My name is Bucky
        Goldstein..."



    Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton
fields and never amounted to much.

The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.



Q:      What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A:      It didn't say a word, it just let out a little whine.

                -- Pat Hawn



Q: How many alchemists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Into what?

Q: How many Economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None.  The Invisble Hand does it.

Q: How many astronomers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. What the hell do astronomers want light bulbs for?
   Nasty polution producing crud. They should be exterminated.

Q:  How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Millions and billions.

Q:      How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:      One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.


  An immigrant's story ....

Al Davis had put together the perfect Raiders team for '96.  The only thing
missing was a good quarterback. He'd scouted all the colleges- even the high
schools- and couldn't find a ringer quarterback that would ensure a SuperBowl
win.
     Then one night, watching CNN, he saw a war zone in Bosnia. In the
background, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted a young Bosnian soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a handgrenade straight into a 15th
story window 200 yards away --  ka-boom! He threw another hand grenade into a
group of about 10 soldiers a good 110 yards away--ka-blooey! A car passes
going 90 miles an hour--bulls-eye! Right into the barely open window.
    "I've got to get this guy," says Al to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So he brings him to the states and teaches him the great game of football.
Predictably, the young man breaks all the NFL records for completed passes,
and the Raiders go on to win  the SuperBowl.
    The young Bosnian is lionized as the Great Hero of SuperBowl XXXI, and
when Al asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his
mother.
 "Mom," the young man says into the receiver, "I just won the SuperBowl."
   "I don't want to talk to you," the old woman says. "You deserted us.
You're not my son."
"I don't think you understand, mother" the young man pleads. "I just won the
greatest sporting event in the world. I'm in the middle of thousands of
adoring fans."
    "No, let me tell you," the mother says. "At this very moment, there are
gun shots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of  rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their life last week, and this week
your sister was raped in broad daylight...." The old lady pauses, in tears.
"...I'll never  forgive you for moving us to Oakland."



A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
and steals a roast.  The butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a
dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"  The lawyer
answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50.  Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].

The next day, the butcher opens his mail and finds an envelope from the
lawyer:  $50 due for a consultation.



A hamburger walks into a bar...Says "hey bartender give me a drink"...
Bartender says sorry we don't serve food here."



The importance of punctuation

Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind,
thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings
whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be
yours?
    Gloria


Dear John:
    I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind,
thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior.
You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings
whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
    Gloria

        -- From: Games Magazine (1984)



A man asks a woman to marry him, but before she agrees, she tells him that
she keeps a shoebox under the bed and she never wants him to look in it. He
understands, figures he doesn't like people looking in his wallet, and agrees
that he will never look in the shoebox.

Well, 5 years go by and they are happily married.  The husband is home alone
one day and curiosity gets the best of him.  He opens the box and sees inside
3 eggs and $5000 in cash.  He is clueless.

When his wife comes home home he confesses to looking in the box.  "Now you
have to tell me what it means" he says.

"O.K." she answers. "Every time I've had an affair on you, I put an egg in
the box."

The man is flabergasted.  But then he thinks about it, and figures 3 affairs
in 5 years isn't too bad.  He takes a deep breath and realizes he can deal with
it.  "So then what is the $5000", he asks.

"Every time I get a dozen, I sell them"



                The Pope in New York

The Pope was driving around New York City in a limo on one of his papal
visits. He was fascinated by the amount of hustle and bustle in the city.
He got it in his mind that he wanted to drive the limo...

 Pope: Driver, could you please pull over? I want to drive.

 Driver: O.K. your holiness...whatever you say.
So the driver pulls over and the Pope starts to drive. He got the hang of
it before long, and decided to put the pedal to the metal. A few minutes
later, a police officer signals the limo to pull over...
 Officer: Licence and reg...(sees that it's the Pope). Oh, well....um...
let me radio headquarters...um...I'll be right back.
The officer radios headquarters....
 Officer: Chief, I just pulled over a very important man. What should I do?
 Chief: Well, how important is he? Is he a Governor?
 Officer: No, he's more important than that.
 Chief: Is he a Congressman?
 Officer: Nope...more important than a Congressman.
 Chief: Surely he can't be more important than the president!
 Officer: Well....
 Chief: Good God!! Who did you pull over???
 Officer: I dunno who the Gingrich he is, but he got the Pope driving him
around!!!

                 - Gerry Robert Mercer



Scott Adams (of Dilbert Fame) on the Communications Decency Act:


The government of the United States has passed a law which makes it a
crime to transmit indecent materials over the Internet.  As a citizen of
this great country I plan to fully comply with that law.

>From now on, whenever I get the urge to use an offensive word in e-mail I
will substitute the name of an offensive politician.  I urge you to do
the same.

The beauty of this approach is that they can't easily ban these new
naughty words without changing their own names.  I know I could get in
trouble for suggesting such a thing, but I don't give a flying Clinton
what they think.  And if they don't like it they can come over here and
kiss my Gingrich.



Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man!  Drinking is a Sin!  Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so"

"But have you ever had a drink yourself?  How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no!  It's not that bloody Nun again is it?"



        "...When asked if he'd like his pizza cut into six or eight
slices, he replied, 'Make it six.  I'll never be able to eat eight.'"

 

        Three Doctors died and showed up at the Pearly Gates.  St. Peter
announced that Heaven was nearly full, so there would be an intensive
questioning before he could decide whether to let them in.  He asked
the first one, "What did you do on earth?"  The Doctor replied, "I was
a heart surgeon.  I saved hundreds of lives."  St. Peter said, "Heart
surgeon, yes, that's good; like I said, we are crowded, but come on
in!"

He then approached the second one.  And what did you do on earth?"  "I
was a pediatrician.  I calmed down hundreds and worried mothers and
eased the pain of hundreds of children."  "Pediatrician, that's very
good.  We really are crowded, but come on in!"

He asked the third doctor the same question.  "Sir, I was in charge of
a large H.M.O.  We made good medical care available to thousands of
people at reasonable cost."  "Well, like I said before, we are really
crowded up here.  But I think we can help you.  Come on in, but you can
only stay for three days."



        A woman went to her psychiatrist and said, "Doctor, I want to
talk to you about my husband.  He thinks he's a refrigerator."
        "That's not so bad," said the doctor.  "It's a rather harmless
complex."
        "Well, maybe," replied the lady.  "But he sleeps with his mouth
open and the light keeps me awake."



Q: What did you discover if you found bones on the moon?
A: The cow didn't make it.



        An anthropologist hears a rumor about an undiscovered tribe that
has never been exposed to the modern world.
        She gets very excited. She knows that if she can be the first
anthropologist to document the tribe her reputation will be assured.
        She travels to the remote area where the tribe is located, and in a
tiny village on the outskirts of the jungle she finds someone who speaks a
little English, is aware of the existence of the tribe, and agrees to act
as her guide.
        When the guide takes her to the tribe's location, the first thing
she notices is the drumming: it is incessant, pounding, goes on constantly.
She asks the guide what the purpose of the constant drumming is and he only
replies "DRUMMING GOOD. EVERYTHING OK AS LONG AS DRUMS POUNDING."
        She asks him what will happen if the drums ever stop and he just
rolls his eyes toward the heavens, shudders and repeats "EVERYTHING OK AS
LONG AS DRUMS POUNDING."
        The anthropologist stays with the tribe several weeks and during
all that time the drumming never stops. She gets used to it. She comes to
think of it as normal.
        Then, on the day she is packing her bags to leave, she suddenly
notices that the drums have stopped. There is total silence. She turns to
her guide and says "The drumming has stopped! What will happen now?!?"
        And the guide rolls his eyes toward the heavens and says "OH NO.
BASS SOLO."



A man walks into a drugstore and says to the woman behind the counter:
"Excuse me madam, do you have anything for complete loss of voice?"
And the woman behind the counter says "hello, may I help you sir?"



        As Franz Kafka awoke one morning from uneasy dreams, he found
himself transformed into a raging bull elephant. He charged around his room
with his trunk sticking straight up and making loud trumpeting noises. The
picture of the lady in furs came crashing down, the vase of anemones tipped
over. Suddenly afraid that his family might discover him, Franz stuck his
enormous head out of the window overlooking the courtyard. But it was too
late. His parents and sisters had already been awakened by the racket, and
rushed into his room. All of them gasped simultaneously as they stared at
the great bulk of Franz's rump. Then Franz pulled his head and turned
toward them, looking sheepish. Finally, after an awkward couple of minutes
in which no one spoke, Franz's mother went over and rested her cheek
against his trunk and said, "Are you ill, dear?" Franz let loose a
bloodcurdling blast, and his mother slipped to the floor. Franz's father
was about to help her but noticed the anemones tipped over on the table. he
picked them up and threw them out the window, saying,
"With Franz like this, who needs anemones?"

                                 -- Mark Strand



Two worms meet crawling through the grass. Male worm says to female worm "how
about you and I going back to your place? Female worm says "ok." They
get back to her place and the male worm notices that she has on a
wedding ring. Male worm says "I'm sorry honey but I don't do this sort
of thing with married worms." fermale worm says "don't worry, my husband
is not coming home." Male worm says "how do you know that for sure?"
Female worm says "he got up early this morning and went fishing!"



        What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth?

        Judging from realistic simulations involving a
        sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we
        can assume it will be pretty bad.

                                -- Dave Barry



        A patient says, "I think I'm an umbrella."
        The psychiatrist says, "A cure is possible if you'll open up."
        The patient says, "Why?  Is it raining?"



A man was walking to the bus stop that he usually catches to go to work.
Anyway, when he gets to the bus stop, there is a man standing there stepping on
and off the curb chanting "69" every time he steps onto the road. The first man
asks the man at the bus stop "I don't mean to sound rude, but what are you
doing?" the man at the bus stop rplied "oh nothing...69 69 69"
"What I mean is why are you stepping on and off the curb chanting 69 over and
over again"...."Because it's fun" replied the guy at the bus stop "give it a
try"...."oh, I don't know" replied the man waiting for his bus, but he was
eventually convinced to do it after about 5 minutes of talking with this man.
"alright I'll give it a try ....69 69". Just as he was about to step back on
the curb, the bus came and, of course ran him over.
"70 70 70 70 70 70 70 70 70 70"



One day a Czechoslovakian came to visit his friend in New York. When
ask what he wanted to see the Czechoslovakian replied, "I would like
to see one of the zoos in America." To his delight, the New Yorker
took him to the zoo. While they were touring the zoo, and standing
in front of the gorilla cage, one of the gorillas busted out of the
cage and swallowed the Czech whole.

Shocked, his friend from New York quickly called over the zoo
keeper. He quickly explained the situation and ask the zoo keeper
what he planed to do. The zoo keeper got an axe and ask the man,
"ok, which gorilla did it, was it the male or the female." Pointing
out the female as the culprit, the zoo keeper quickly split the
female gorilla open and found nothing of the Czech. With which the
man from New York shrugged and said, "Guess the Czech's in the male."



        Q:      What do you call poisoned coffee?
        A:      Grounds for divorce.



Emo Phillips was pulled over in Massachusetts for reckless driving.  When
brought before the judge, Emo was asked if he knew what the punishment for
drunk driving in that state was.  His reply: "I don't know, reelection to the
Senate?"



    The Biologist Problem

    Jim Finn, the noted biologist, was stumped. He had spent months
    studying the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. Despite all
    efforts at predator control, population was declining at an alarming
    rate.

    Finn finally went to the chemistry department at his college to see
    if anyone there might be able to help. Tom looked into the problem
    and came up with a solution. The little frogs had succumbed to a
    chemical change in the swamp's water and simply couldn't stay
    coupled long enough to reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made
    from a dash of this, a zoss of that and, most critically, one part
    sodium. "You mean...?" said Jim.

    "Yes," said Tom. "They need a mono-sodium glue to mate!"



Descartes walks into a bar.  
Bartender asks, "Do you want a beer?"
Decartes says, "I think not," and disappears!!!



    A Wyoming rancher had a bull named Caesar who was getting old.so he
    decided to sell him on the auction market. The only problem was that
    the nearest railroad was miles away and across across a river that
    hadn't yet been bridged.

    Since Caesar had grown somewhat crotchety in his old age the rancher
    organized a crew of three men who he sent off with his ranch foreman
    to lead Caesar to the railroad line. After two days of travel Caesar
    and the crew arrived at the river near the market town. The tired
    crew members suggested to their foreman that they be allowed to
    relax and fish awhile before catching the ferryboat.

    "What shall we do with Caesar while you fish?, asked the foreman.

    The men replied, "Oh, he can just graze on this lush grass along the
    river."

    After a long period of thought the foreman decreed,

    "WE CAME TO FERRY CEASAR, NOT TO GRAZE HIM!"



    Q: What did the Zen Master say to the hot dog vendor?

    A: Make me one with everything.



   A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt.
As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible
eyeing him and giggling.  One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty!  What's worn
under the kilt?"

   He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you
*sure* you want to know?"  Somewhat nervously, the blonde said yes, she did
want to know.

   The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn under
the kilt, everything's in perfect working order."

                                        Bruce Roberson
                                        roberson@cs.washington.edu



  TOP TEN REJECTED STAR WARS TOYS...

10. Scratch and Sniff Chewbacca
 9. Live Thermal Detonator
 8. Stuffed Luke.  Pull string, yells, "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
 7. Taun Taun w/ internal organs
 6. Lando Calrissian figure (okay, so that's just wishful thinking)
 5. Victims of Vader figures (Jedi Knights not included)
 4. Ewok w/ AT-ST imprint
 3. Tatooine kitchen playset
 2. Cantina Bartender
 1. George Lucas figure w/ authentic beard!



 I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.



        Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?

1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
2. Advising the President.
3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.

    -- David Letterman



        A young woman unexpectedly became pregnant shortly into her
marriage.  The couple had never had any thoughts about children, or
names...so when the found out it would be twins, they decided to wait until
they had seen the
children to choose their names.  Well...when the time came for the birth, the
mother was in such severe pain, they sedated her heavily, and she was out for
days.  The man, in despair, had to decide on the childrens names by himself.
One boy...one girl.  Perplexed, he decided to call in his older brother for
advice.  Together they chose the names.
        When the young mother awakened, she wanted to know what he had
chosen (knowing he was not the brightest of men) She asked, "ok,
darling...what did you name our daughter?"  Her husband smiled and said "My
brother and I named her Denice. It was mostly his idea."  She smiled.  "and
the boy, she asked?"  "Denephew"



        Teacher:    Calvin what state do you live in?
        Calvin:     Denial!
        Teacher:    Can't argue with that!!

        -- Bill Watterson, cartoonist



        Q:      How do you prevent an elephant from charging?
        A1:     Make sure he's well grounded.
        A2:     Take away his credit card.



A mother and a father were on their way to bed one night and as they peeped in
on their son saying his prayers, they heard him say "God Bless Mommy, Daddy, My
Grandma, and my dead Grandpa"....The couple looked at each other puzzled...the
mom said, "But his grandpa isn't dead???"  They shrugged and went to bed...

The next morning, the hospital called and said that the boys grandfather had
died overnight in his sleep.  The parents were shocked, so the next night they
peeped in on their son again and heard him say "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and my
Dead grandma"....The mother began to worry, but the father simply said that
another coincidence couldn't happen.  Surely, the next morning, the parents
found out that the boy's grandmother had passed on that night in her sleep.

The couple was terrified by now and once again went to peep in on their son.
They heard him say..."God bless Mommy and my dead Daddy"...The father was
petrified, he decided that there was no way he could go to sleep that
night...he was too young to die.

So, the father forced himself to stay up, staring at the clock. When dawn
approached, the father was joyous...he hadn't died and this curse had been
broken.  But, as he started to celebrate, the mother came running downstairs
shouting..."Honey, the milkman just died!""



        A distinguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and inquired
        about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.

          "What security can you offer?" the banker asked.

        "My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said. "I will be away
        for a few weeks.  Here are the keys."

        A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid off the loan,
        1017 francs with interest.

           "Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a one-thousand
            franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"

        "Very simple," he replied.  "Where else can you store a Rolls for
         a month for seventeen francs?"



        If you are mad and want to go, leave in a cab.
        If you can't find one, leave in a Huff.
        If that's not acceptable, leave in a minute-and-a-huff.

                                     -- Groucho Marx



    Top Ten Things to do about all of your AOL disks.

10. Start pyramid scheme with chain letter that tells recipient to
    mail 1 disk to each of the five people listed in the letter and
    to send the letter to five more people.

9.  Activate each account with a different cartoon character name like
    Bullwinkle, Barney Rubble, Tasmanian Devil, etc.  See if you run out
    of names before you run out of disks.

8.  Activate the disks one at a time.  For each disk you activate, download
    enough files to fill up the reformatted activation disk.  Don't stop
    until you have downloaded all data AOL has to offer.  Use remaining
    unactivated disks for backup of downloaded data.

7.  Get 1000 people to all activate all of their disks at the same time.
    Monitor trade journals to see which disk storage manufacturer gets
    AOL's order for new multi-terabyte drive to hold subscriber
    data base.

6.  Donate disks to charity.  Tell IRS that each disk contains $10 worth
    of software.  Use resulting deductions to buy Lichtenstein.

5.  Activate all of your disk simultaneously using different ids. Making
    effective use of mail forwarding and distrubtion lists, bring AOL to
    a screeching halt by creating, sending, forwarding and reforwarding
    the following message among the various account:  "Stop sending
    these f*****g disks."

4.  Erase all disks, put new labels on them and resell them as new. Retire
    at age 43.

3.  Collect two solar masses worth and detonate the sun. [copied from
    a signature seen on the net.]

2.  Call the FBI and tell them that these disks are made from refined uranium
    and homes across the country will begin exploding as soon as they
    reach critical mass.

1.  Tile your bathroom with your collection.  Submit picture of bathroom
    to GQ (Geek Quarterly) magazine.



...did you hear about the guy who died from snorting saccharine?
   yeah, he thought it was diet coke.



A woman went to buy a bra at the EMBARGO bra company.
She asked the clerk why such a wierd trade name and he responded: "It may
not seem like much, but, spelled backwards, it has tremendous sales
appeal."



Young Woman: Excuse me, do you know which room Ivan Petrovich is in?
Older Woman: Yes, he's in that room over there.
Young Woman: Thank you.
Older Woman: You're welcome.  Tell me, please, who are you?
Young Woman: I'm his sister.
Older Woman: Pleased to meet you. I'm his mother.

   -- From a Russian textbook, in translation, and slightly paraphrased.



Q:      What do you get when a cow tries to jump over a barbed wire fence?

A:      Udder destruction.



Q:      Why did the Siamese twins go to England?

A:      So the other one could drive.



A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman
answers. The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone I figured was her
husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, you want to earn $50,000?"
"Sure!  But what do I have to do?"
"First go to my desk and get my gun."
"Hold on..... Okay, found it.  $50,000, you said?"
"Yes.  Now I want you to shoot that witch and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by shouts and
a couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone, breathing heavily. "Okay, okay.  What
should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"But- there is no pool here."
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"



TOP TEN SIGNS THAT IT'S JUST *WAY* TOO COLD.

10. The antifreeze froze.
9.  The cat just cracked.
8.  Even the sun has icicles hanging from it.
7.  The cows are producing ice cream.
6.  Even the soft water is hard.
5.  Snowmen begging not to be left out another night.
4.  Lawyers seen with hands in their *own* pockets.
3.  Even the streakers are wearing clothes.
2.  Pluto is now considered to be an attractive tropical vacation spot.
1.  People are curling up in their fridges just to warm up.