From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Q: What is big, white and furry, and rides an emotional rollercoaster?
A: a bi-polar bear.



        Q: Why do bagpipe players walk while they play?
        A: To get away from the noise.



        The IRS sent back my tax return saying I owed $800. I said "If
you'll notice, I sent a paper clip with my return.  Given what you've been
paying for things lately, that should more than make up the difference."

                -- Emo Phillips



        "My friend and I were in a record store to buy a 45-speed record of
his favorite song.  After he located it, he realized that he forgot his
wallet.  Instead of going out and getting his wallet, he decided to get
a five-finger discount (shoplift) so he put it down his pants.  Well,
as we were leaving the store, the cashier stopped him and said, 'Excuse me,
but is that a record in your pants?'  To this he responded, 'It may not be
a record, but I'm mighty proud of it.'

       ...Yeah, I know it didn't really happen, but I felt like telling my
joke in this manner :-)."

                - Unknown


 ["I Heard this one from a dissident that our local
         Amnesty International group got out"]

        Through the center of Czechoslovakia there a train speeding along.
In one  compartment of the train there are four people.  A beautiful
vivacious young woman, an old matronly woman, a Russian soldier, and a
Czech dissident.

Suddenly the train goes through a tunnel.

It is completely dark.

Then is heard a loud kiss and an equally powerful slap.

When the train exits the tunnel, the Russian soldier is holding the side of his
face, and the Czech dissident is grinning his face off.

The old matronly woman thinks : "Now that's a fine young woman, the Russian
     soldier tries to steal a kiss in the tunnel and the lady slaps him one!"

The young woman is thinking : "Now that's a strange Russian soldier, he'd
     rather kiss that old hag than me."

The Russian soldier is thinking : "Now that's a smart Czech, he steal the kiss
     and I get slapped."

And the Czech dissident is thinking : "Gee I'm smart!  We go through the
     tunnel, I kiss the back of my hand and get away with slapping a
     Russian soldier."



[Dated.]

Q:      Why doesn't Bob Dole Cross the road?

A:      Because he hasn't seen the polls on whether or not he should.



        Three guys go to heaven.
        St. Peter goes to the first guy and asks him how many times he has
cheated on his wife.  "Just twice.," said the first guy. So St. Peter gives
him this tiny little car, and he drives of into heaven.
        St. Peter goes up to the second and ask him how many times he
cheated on  his wife.  "Only once.", said the second guy.  So St. Peter
gives him this medium car and he drives off into heaven.
        St. Peter asks the third guy the same question and he answers, "Not
at all".  So St. Peter gives him this big fancy car and he drives off into
heaven.
        A week later they all meet at a stop sign and the third guy was
crying.  The first and second guy asked him why he was crying when he has
this big fancy car. The guy turns around and says, "I just saw my wife and
she was on a skateboard.




        "At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and
charge five dollars for the second glass.  The  refill contained the
antidote."

                 -- Emo Phillips



        I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on
the tenth floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me.  He said, "On
your mark..."
        -- Rodney Dangerfield



        A man in ancient Roam was fleeing from a lion. He ran through the
city, into the hills, and into the woods. When it became apparent that he
was doomed, he suddenly stopped, faced the lion and prayed "PLEASE DEAR
LORD-- MAKE THIS LION A CHRISTIAN!!!" Then, just as the lion was about to
pounce, it stopped, kneeled down and said "Thank you lord for this meal
which I am about to partake..."




        Taxes, n.:
                Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get
                an extension.



L.B. Joke:

Q:  How many homophobes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  First, they can't be sure the socket's feminine, and second, they'd
    really rather the bulbs stayed in the closet where they belong.
A:  It obviously has to be done by just one. They don't screw around with
    other men.



I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop
the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
        He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

	                 -- Emo Phillips



Q: How does a blind parachuter know when to pull the rip chord?
A:  The leash to his seeing eye dog goes limp!



Q:  What do you call the person who graduated last in his class
        from Medical School?
A:  Doctor. (EEEK!)



       "I've been thinking how wonderful it would be if all
        people renounced violence forever.  If nobody else was
        violent, I could conquer the whole stupid planet with
        just a butter knife."

                -- Dogbert



        "Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to
dress up in a skimpy Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash."

                -- Emo Phillips



Q:  What did the man say to the wall?
A:  One more crack like that and I'll plaster ya!

Q:  What's the difference between a red wall and a yellow one?
A:  Both yellow, except for the red one.

Q:      What do you do with an elephant that has three balls?
A:      Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

Q:      What do you get if you cross an elephant and a rhinoceros?
A:      Elephino!



The other day a woman came up to me and said,
"Didn't I see you on television?"
I said, "I don't know.  You can't see out the other way."
                -- Emo Phillips



Q:  You have a rabbit that is one foot long in a tube that is 3 feet long.
If the rabbit starts at one end and has his nose sticking out the other in
30 seconds, then the return trip takes 15 secs, then 7.5 secs, and so on,
how long will it be before the rabbit's nose is sticking out both ends?

A:  Theoretically, it will take 2.347 minutes...
but in practice, this problem cannot be solved without splitting hares.



A Management Structure is often referred to as a tree.
Top 11 reasons that this is an accurate description:

11 A man falling from the upper levels can often grab a lower branch
     to break his fall, but a man falling from lower levels goes straight
     to the ground.
10 If a branch falls off, most of the parasites move back to the main structure.
9 It takes years to react to any environmental change.
8 It sometimes carries a great many nuts.
7 If not pruned regularly it will not bear much fruit.
6 Small pieces which are chopped off often grow again in a few years.
5 It may provide shelter for those underneath, but also blocks out
     most of the light.
4 Parts of it can be used to make boards (of varying thickness) but
     unless properly seasoned the quality will be poor.
3 It bends easily in light winds but in storms it is rarely flexible
     enough to avoid damage.
2 Parts of it can be dead for years before they drop off.
1 Monkeys can get to the top with remarkable speed.



A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high-
tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately
and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you
run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later,
sales took a downturn and he was really catching a lot of heat. About
at his wits's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer
and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your
predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the
blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments,
the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to
pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a
slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.
Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened
the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."  This he did, and
the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company
once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed
the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes...."



Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them
first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
                -- W. C. Fields



I was walking across a bridge one day, and i saw a man standing on the edge,
about to jump off.  So i ran over and said "stop! don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too!  Are you christian or buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."  I said, "Me too!  Are you catholic or protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too!
Are you episcopalian or baptist?"  He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow!  Me too!  Are you baptist church of god or baptist church of
the lord?"
He said, "Baptist church of god!"
I said, "Me too!  Are you original baptist church of god, or are you
reformed baptist church of god?"
He said, "Reformed baptist church of god!"  I said, "Me too!  Are you
reformed baptist church of god, reformation of 1879, or reformed baptist
church of god, reformation of 1915?"  He said, "Reformed baptist church
 of god, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum", and pushed him off.

                         -- Emo Phillips



I was in the local bar the other night, and the most amazing thing
happened...
the bar was sorta empty, but these two guys sitting near me both were talking
with Irish accents.  One walks up to the other and says "I've noticed your
accent, where are you from?"
2nd: "Well, I'm from Ireland of course!"
1st: "Me too!  Where in Ireland?"
2nd: "Well, from Wallo county."
1st: "Wallo county?  Me too!  Where in Wallo county?"
2nd: "Well, I'm from this really small town called Bridgeside"
1st: "What a small world!  Bridgeside!  I'm from Bridgeside too!  Where in
      Bridgeside?"
2nd: "Well, I grew up on this really small road on the north side of town,"
      (the 1st guy is getting very excited) "called Lexon"
1st: "I can't belive it!  Wow!  Lexon!  Wow!"

At this time one of the regulars walks into the bar and asks the bartender
what's new.  "Not much," replied the bartender, "just that the O'Leary
twins are drunk again."



TOP TEN REASONS: WHY CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX:

10. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
9.  The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
8.  Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
        nasty names.
7. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
6. You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
5. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
4. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
3. When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
2. You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working
        hours or class without upsetting your work mates.
1. Good chocolate is easy to find.



The Top 10 Reasons Trick-or-Treating is Better than Sex:

10.  Guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
9.   If you get tired, wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
8.   The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
7.   You don't have to compliment the person who gave you candy.
6.   Its OK when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else,
     because you ARE someone else.
5.   40 years from now, you'll still enjoy candy.
4.   If you don't get what you want, you can always go next door.
3.   Doesn't matter if kids hear you moaning and groaning.
2.   Less guilt the next morning.
AND....
1.   You can "do" the whole neighborhood!!!



Mother Superior: "Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're
                  accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?"
Sister Maria: "I would lift my habit, mother Superior."
Mother Superior (shocked): "And what would you do next?"
Sister Maria: "I would tell him to drop his pants."
Mother Superior: (even more shocked) "And what then?"
Sister Maria: "I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than
               he with his pants down."



a guy walks into a bar.(nobody ducks). hes drinking at bar when he sees a
pirate in the corner.
he think he'll buy him a drink and learn about his adventures.
he walks over
"hey..can i get you a beer??
"ye sure can matey!!"
so the guy buys a couple rounds
the guy asks the pirate some questions
"so i see you have a wooden leg. how did you get it??
"Well...we was about to kill blackbeard himself when he cut me leg off!!
me mateys carved this leg out of the wood from his ship after we destroyed
his ship!!"
Cool!! sez the man.
"well i see you have a hook for a hand how did you get it??"
WELL!! One day me mateys and i were about to put a harpoon in moby dick himself
when moby dick jumped up and bit me hand off...the matey carved this hook
out of moby dicks tooth.
"cool!! well why do you have the eye patch???"
"well one day i was walking on the deck and enjoying the sun when a
seagull pooped in me eye!!!!"
"a seagull pooped in your eye??? how would that ruin your eye???"
"well i only had my hook for a few days!!!



        What did O.J. said to his lawyer after he heard the verdict?
        Give me my hat and my glove, I am outta here!!
                                        - Contributed by Matt L.


        Hey, didja hear that OJ's getting married again?
        Yeah, he's taking another stab at it.


        Newest feature on the 96' Bronco:  Bloody Glove Compartment




        Help!  They're after me!

                                Who is it? Who's after you?

        It's the Squirrels! They think I'm nuts!



        I went into Gus's artificial organ and taco stand.  I said "Give me
a bladder por favor."  The guy said "Is that to go?"  I said, "Well what
else would I want it for?"

                        -- Emo Phillips



The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, involved in
many kinds of motivation, among other functions.  The hypothalamus controls
the "Four F's":  1. fighting;  2. fleeing;  3.feeding; and  4. mating.

        -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course



        A fish walks into a bar.
        The bartender asks the fish, "What do you need?"
        The fish says, "WATER, YOU IDIOT!!"



The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!

10. How do I know anything really exists?
        -Kick it *really* hard.

 9. What is the essence of being human?
        -Not understanding the opposite sex.

 8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear
    it, does it make a sound?
        -Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.

 7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a
    computer simulation of life?
        -Look in the mirror.  If you see a gray, spongy thing in a
         glass container, you are.

 6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
        -If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in
         every morning.

 5. Is there a God?
        -A billion Hindus can't be wrong.

 4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
        -I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.

 3. What is the meaning of life?
        -All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.

 2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
        -It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to
         drink lots of espresso.

 1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
        -Probably.



        Two men are running around a park shout things such as "Shoo!!" and
"Go away!!" and other such things as though they are trying to scare
something off. A third man walks up and looks at the first two with a
puzzled expression...
        "What are you two doing?" the third man asks.
        "Trying to scare away all the pink elephants." One of the first two men
replied.
        The third man shook his head and said "there are no pink elephants
here."
        Both of the other men stopped short..."really?" one asked.
        The third man replied "Yes really.
        "Cool," said one of the first two, "It must be working then!"



        Q.How many Fractured Rock Hydrogeologists does it
                take to change a lightbulb?

        A. We don't know, but after 30 man*years and three and a
                half million dollars, we've calibrated
                our model of the stepladder.



        Q:  How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

        A1 (not steak sauce):  Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to
                fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
        A2:  Two. One to change it and one to throw a bucket of
                water out the window.

        (An interesting story about this joke - it was once being told at a
party or something, and the person being asked correctly made up a
completely
irrelevant answer, and was promptly corrected by a loud chorus of "No, it's
a fish !"  Sheesh.  Some people just don't get it.)



        "The toughest time...in anyone's life...is when you have to kill a
loved one just because they're the devil."

                         -- Emo Phillips



       Q:      If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE
                more woman walks in, what do you have?

        A:      Divorce proceedings, most likely.



  A western sheep farmer who had been troubled by coyotes was visited by a
government agent just as he was taking aim with his rifle.
  "Wait, don't shoot them, we have a drug that makes them impotent," the
agent said.
  The rancher looked at him and said "I don't know what y'all do back in
Washington, but out here the coyotes EAT the sheep."



        I discovered my wife in bed with another man, and I was crushed.
        So I said, "Get off me, you two!"

                 -- Emo Phillips




Q: Did you hear the new joke about AT&T?

A: You will.



GM:     "So, Mrs. Smith, do you have any children?"
S:  "Yes, thirteen."
GM:     "Thirteen!  Good lord, isn't that a burden?"
S:  "Well, I love my husband."
GM:     "Lady, I love my cigar but I take it out of my mouth once in a while."

                        -- Groucho Marx, on "You Bet Your Life"



        Q: What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots
           say to his students?

        A: Watch closely.  I'm only going to do this once.



        G:  "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?"
        EB: "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and
             scatter oneself over a wide area."

                        -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4



                "When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex,
                 there is an important lesson to be learned.  Do not have
                 sex with the authorities."

                -- From "Basic Sex Facts For Today's Youngfolk"
                        in 'Life In Hell' by Matt Groening



You know, a lot of girls go out with me just to further their careers.  
Damn anthropologists.

                                 -- Emo Phillips



        Top ten reasons studying is better than sex!

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.
9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you
    left off.
8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.
7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has
    opened it.
6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.
5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "Book
    teaser".
4. You can do it, eat and watch t.v. all at the same time.
3. You don't get embarassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.
2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.
1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate
    for help!



 Never criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his shoes.
              This way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away, and
              you'll have his shoes.

			 --Grouch Marx (?)



Q:        What's the difference between an Appalachian dulcimer
                and a hammered dulcimer?
A:        A hammered dulcimer burns hotter; an Appalachian dulcimer
                burns longer.



        Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the
farmer.

        They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and was let in.  He was in there for what seemed hours.  When he

came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

        "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer,
then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with
kisses,"
explained the driver.

        "What did you tell the farmer?"  Limbaugh asked.

        The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver
and I'd just killed the pig."



        Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
        A: None. They have a machine to do it for them.



A couple was planning a gala dinner party for all the celebrities and
important people in Rome, Italy.  The wife was thrilled; she swore everything
to be perfect.  But near sunset, she realized that she had no snails for the
party.  After she tired of scolding the maid, she handed her husband a bucket
and told him to hurry down to the beach and gather some snails.

Grudgingly he agreed.  He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the
steps, and out to the beach.  His wife had been right again, there were
snails here.  As he collected them, he noticed a woman in a white bathing
suit lingering along the waterfront.  He kept thinking, "If only *she* would
come talk to me."  Which didn't seem likely!  He kept gathering snails.

After a while a shadow fell across the sand before him, and he looked up. The
woman in the white bathing suit was standing over him.  Close, she looked
even better.  She smiled. What a smile!  They got to talking- about what, he
could never be sure- and unbelievably she invited him to see her apartment,
closeby.

He picked up the bucket of snails and off they went.  After a memorable visit
in her bed, he fell into a dream.  Suddenly he woke:  It was seven o'clock
the next morning.
"Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"  The beautiful woman murmured and turned
over.  Despite this distraction, he found his clothes, jumped into them,
grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.  He ran all the way down the beach
to his apartment building.

He ran up the apartmenthouse stairs.  Just as he neared the top, he heard his
wife yelling at the maid; obviously she was just about to come out the door.
  The thought of facing her made him so nervous that he tripped over the top
stair, and dropped the bucket of snails.  Suddenly there were snails all over
the landing, snails down all the stairs.

The door opened just then.  His wife stopped in her tracks and demanded, "
Just where have you been all this time?"
He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back
at the snails and he said,

              "C'mon guys, we're almost there!"



From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter.  Some day I intend reading it.
                -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults"




One day 2 carrots were walking down the street when out of nowhere a car
comes along and runs over one of the carrots!  The other carrot calls 911 and
takes his friend to the hospital as fast as he can.  When the doctor finally
comes out the carrot asks: "Will my friend be alright?"

The doctor responds:  "Well, he's going to live, but he will be a vegetable the
rest of his life."



Question:How many Daleks does it take to change a lightbulb?
Answer:   1,500,000: To conquer a race than can climb
                        ladders for them.



Seeing as his masters went out for the evening, James, the butler, was allowed
to retire early for the evening.  Unexpectedly, the young bride of his master
returned home.  She called him into her bedroom.
        "I'd like you to take off my dress." she said.
So James did.
        "Now take off my bra and panties"  and again James did.
        "Now, don't let me ever catch you wearing my clothes again!"



On New Years Eve, a young man was hoping to drown out his sorrows in one of the
local bars.  He spotted a bar on the 4th story of a building and decided to go
in.  Upon entering the bar, the man only noticed one patron sitting and
drinking.  The man observed as the patron took shot after shot.  Alarmed, the
man asked him why he was drinking like a wild donkey.  The man turned and told
him of an amazing discovery that he had made.  The man claimed that if you were
drunk enough, you could actually fly.  Of course, the young man did not believe
this drunk's story and so he asked him to prove it.  The patron obliged by
taking another shot of alcohol and promptly stepping out of the 4th story
window.  The young man was amazed to see the patron float outside the window
and then proceed to do a couple of flips and fly back into the bar.  As seeing
is believing, the young man also decided to get drunk and try to fly.  After
getting drunk off his ass, he too stepped out of the window.  He then
plummetted to the ground and broke both his legs which made the patron laugh
like crazy.  The bartender turned to the patron and said "Damn you're one mean
bastard when you're drunk, Superman!"



 Question:  Where can you find 100 feet and 17 teeth?
 Answer:  the front row of a Willie Nelson concert.



        Nurse:          "Doctor Papaboolaboolah will see you now."
        Patient:        "Which doctor?"
        Nurse:          "Oh no. He's fully qualified!".



A Russian Lieutenant is standing before a line of enlisted men who are lined up
next to a large retangluar hole.  The lieutenant stands in front of the first
soldier...

"Private Ivanov!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Stand with your left arm extended to the side!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Now jump!"
Private Ivanov says, "Yes, Sir!" and leaps into the hole.

The lieutenant walks to the next soldier...

"Private Stolnya!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Stand with your arm straight above your head"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Now jump!"
Private Stolnya says, "Yes, Sir!" and jumps into the hole.

On to the next soldier....

"Private Gorky!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Arms out to the side!  Now!"
"Yes, Sir!"
"Now jump!"
And he goes into the hole with the rest.


Just then, the Colonel drives up and yells at the lieutenant:

"Lieutenant Sokolov!  How many times to I have to tell you...
             STOP PLAYING TETRIS WITH THE ENLISTED MEN!!!!"



Q: What do you have when you have two fuzzy green balls in your hand?
A: Kermit's undivided attention!



 Question:  How does a Romulan frog hide?
Answer:  A croaking device



 Question:  What do you call thirteen witches in a hot tub?
 Answer:  A self-cleaning coven.



        When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
        any firearms with me.  I said, "Well, what do you need?"

                - Steven Wright



Question:  Why does a brachiosaurus have such a long neck?
 Answer:  Because its head is so far from its body.



        "There's one way to find out if a man is honest-ask him. If he
says, 'Yes,' you know he's a crook."

                - Groucho Marx



        "I got myself good this morning too.  I did my push ups in the nude
...but I didn't see the mouse trap."

                - Rodney Dangerfield



        "I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges.  I remember one time when I wore it.  When I got out
of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I came back."

        "Sponges grow in the ocean.  That just kills me.  I wonder how much
deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen."

                - Steven Wright



        I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.  You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.

        I have an answering machine in my car.  It says, "I'm home now. But
leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

        When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers.  We
haven't spoken since.

                        - Steven Wright



        "I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road.  I don't know how I
got there."

                - Steven Wright



 Question:  How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer:  Only one, but it takes eight million years.



        "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair."

        "I come from a stupid family.  During the civil war my great uncle
fought for the west!"

                - Rodney Dangerfield



        "When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins.
Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older,
I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey."

                - Steven Wright



        "In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got
a call from a woman in Germany.  She said, "Cut it out."

                - Steven Wright



"One year they wanted to make me poster boy...  for birth control."

"Now it's different...  When I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

                - Rodney Dangerfield