From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories
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From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories |
A couple decide to see a movie. They arrive just before show time and the theater is quite full. As they walk down the aisle and their eyes adjust to the dim light, they see only a few empty seats. To one side, they find a man sprawled across three seats. After a nervous pause, one of them says to the man: "Excuse me, there are very few seats left, and we would appreciate it if you would sit up." The man, rolling his eyes, replies: "Eeeryarrrgh ooouwaaaah uuummmpphhhhh" The couple look at each other, and the word "drunk" is in both of their minds. They find the manager. The manager tries: "Excuse me, sir, you may only use one seat. Please sit up." The man waves his arms and replies: "OOOWOWHHHAHHH EEYAYAAARRRGGHHHHH OOOOOOFFFF!" The manager assumes his drill sergeant attitude: "Look buddy, I am the manager here. Where is your seat, anyway?" The man replies: "AAAAARRRRGH... the balcony ....OOOOOFFFFF"
Q: Whaddya call a person who rents a pair of devils? A: The lessor of two evils!
One day an engineer is going into a new grocery shop on the outskirts of town. When just inside, he sees a sign which says: "CONDOMS: SOLD & FITTED." He looks around and calls for service. Then, an exceptionally attractive young lady emerges. "Do you work here?",he asks. "Yes",she replied. "And is the statement ao the sign over there true?" The lady leans over the counter and says seductively, "Yes." "Tell me," he asks, "who fits them?" "I do," said the lady. "Well," said the engineer, "would you please wash your hands and give me a pound of tomatoes."
A duck walks into a pharmacy waddles up to the prescription counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help you?". The duck replies, "Yes, I would like a box of condoms". "Why certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would you like me to put it on your bill?". The duck answers, "What kind of duck do you think I am?"
I went to the eye doctor yesterday, and was looking around the office curiously when I accidentally got caught in a lens-grinding machine. I made a spectacle of myself.
Question: Why do mice have small balls? Anwer: Because not many of them dance.
In a lab, a mad scientist has taught a frog to jump every time he yells "jump," so he decides he'll try a little experiment with the frog. He first cuts off one of its back legs, and then yells "jump!" The frog jumps. He writes in his log; 'even with one leg severed, frog still jumps.' So he cuts off the other back leg and yells "jump!" Frog still makes an attempt to jump. He writes, 'amazingly with both back legs severed frog still tries to jump at command.'So he cuts off one front leg, and yells "jump!" Frog tries to jump, but doesn't get anywhere. He writes; 'with 3 legs gone the frog still makes attempts to jump even thought he can't.' So, he cuts off the last leg, and yells "jump!" Nothing happens. "jump!!" again, nothing happens. "JUMP!!" Still nothing. So, he writes, 'After all 4 legs are severed the frog has somehow gone deaf.'
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit. I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it." "Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now, Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long, flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff, and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries in something." - Steven Wright
One dark night, two grave robbers were out in the cemetary, robbing graves, of course. Anyway, they see the tomb of Mozart, and they decide to dig up his grave. So, they dig him up, and when they open the casket are amazed to find the musical genius furiously erasing pages and pages of manuscripts. They ask him, "Hey, what are you doing?" to which Mozart replies, "Why, I'm de-composing, of course!!"
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety. I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded." - Steven Wright
"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday." " A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!" - Rodney Dangerfield
McCoy: "I've borrowed Mr. Scott's bagpipes." Kirk: "But you can't play them." McCoy: "While I've got them, neither can he."
(kids) It's Happy! It's Fun! It's Happy Fun Ball! (announcer) Yes, it's Happy Fun Ball, the toy sensation that's sweeping the nation. Only $14.95 at participating stores! Get one Today! (background voice) Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly, and children should avoid prolonged exposure to Happy Fun Ball. Caution: Happy Fun Ball may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds. Happy Fun Ball contains a liquid core, which if exposed to rupture should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at. Do not use Happy Fun Ball on concrete. Happy Fun Ball -only $14.95- Discontinue use of Happy Fun Ball if any of the following occurs: *Itching *Vertigo *Dizziness *Tingling in extremities *Loss of balance or coordination *Slurred speech *Temporary Blindness *Profuse sweating *Heart Palpitations If Happy Fun Ball begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head. Happy Fun Ball may stick to certain types of skin. When not in use, Happy Fun Ball should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration... Failure to do so relieves the makers of Happy Fun Ball, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability. Ingredients of Happy Fun Ball include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space. Happy Fun Ball has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq. Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball. Happy Fun Ball comes with a lifetime guarantee. Happy Fun Ball ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTES!
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said, "Do I know you?" - Steven Wright
from the TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOU'RE AN INTERNET JUNKIE. #2: After winning the office NCAA pool, you shout out "I feel so Colon Right Parenthesis!"
"Some dog I got, too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room. What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!" "I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dogs bed." "Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh." - Rodney Dangerfield
An old man was singing this song to his granddaughter: "Put your left feet in, put your left feet out Put your left feet in and shake it all around..." The girl then said, "Grandpa, isn't it supposed to be foot?????" Thd old man replied, "Oh, yeah, I forgot. Ok, I'll sing it again." So, he goes, "Foot your left feet in, foot your left feet out..."
Q: How many stars are in the sky? A: All of the above.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed to my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too." -- Jake Johansen
TOP TEN TOPICS EVEN GERALDO WOULDN'T TOUCH 10. Naked bohemian rap stars in heat. 9. does chip dip really make orgasms more powerful? 8. Increasing virility through consuption of sludge. 7. Nazi's: are they alive and well in Foley, MN? 6. Nuns who masturbate in church. 5. Penguin poaching. 4. Belly Button Lint: the new element? 3. George & Barbara Bush's sex life. 2. Michael Jackson's former lovers. 1. Nipple zippers: the newest trend.
"My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet." "When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up." "I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio." - Rodney Dangerfield
Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns. Billy: Who, me? Teacher: Very good!
"Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you." - Amanda Plummer, at the beginning of 'Pulp Fiction' "Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every one of you mother fuckers." - Amanda Plummer, at the end of 'Pulp Fiction'
Question: What do you do when you see a blue Triceratops? Answer: Cheer him up.
"I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving." - Steven Wright
"I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coathanger." - Steven Wright
When I was born..the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could... but he pulled through." - Rodney Dangerfield
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, "Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it." - Steven Wright
Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide..." - Rodney Dangerfield
"Illinois and Wisconsin are having a border war. One day a guy in Wisconsin throws a stick of dynamite over the border into Illinois. A guy in Illinois picks the dynamite up, lights it, and throws it back over the border into Wisconsin."
Q: Did you hear about the imitation spaghetti that just came out? A: The brand name is Impasta.
"Doesn't it bother anyone that the main part of the airport is called a TERMINAL??? Are they trying to be prophetic???" - George Carlin
"One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators." - Steven Wright
Prosecution attorney Marcia Clark asked actor/OJ houseguest Kato Kaelin,"Is it true you signed book contract for $500,000?" "No way," replied Kaelin. "I'm holding out for a half a million." (True)
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him, "How am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me, "That is why we give you 21 days." - Rodney Dangerfield
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read." - Steven Wright
Q: What's the difference between a lunatic and a funeral parlor? A: One's a basket case and the other's a casket base.
"Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown." - Steven Wright
Q: What has four legs and one arm? A: A happy pit bull.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing. - Rodney Dangerfield
"I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911 and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend." - Steven Wright
IT'S SO COLD THAT... I put the meat in the freezer to defrost. I saw a flasher describing himself. I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets for once. Even members of congress couldn't get into a heated argument. When police saw a robbery suspect, they said 'freeze' and he did. All the cigarette smokers were passing out because they didn't know that they were through exhaling. (Oh, hey Hal! Run the top ten list!!!) Top Ten Signs That It's Too Damn Cold 10. People buying hot roasted chestnuts to put in their pants. 9. Dan and Connie doing the news huddled together in a sleeping bag. 8. Mob corpses seen skidding across the East River. 7. Times Square strip clubs advertising "Live Heavily-Dressed Girls!" 6. Mario Cuomo making a fortune shoveling walks. 5. Vendors selling down-filled hot dogs. 4. This morning, Triple-A had to jumpstart Andrew Giuliani. 3. People coming into Ed Sullivan Theater just to get warm. 2. Instead of the finger, New Yorkers giving each other the mitten. 1. Cabbies wearing flannel turbans. [--From Late Show with David Letterman; Monday, February 6, 1995]
"Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business." - Steven Wright
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month." "My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them." Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?" - Steven Wright
"Pick a card any card......" "What am I supposed to do with it?" "Keep it, I've got 51 more" - Groucho Marx in Duck Soup
"I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing." "I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*." - Steven Wright
Q: How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb? A: There is nothing to change. Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000" Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Six: One to change the bulb, two to copyright the method for changing the bulb, and three to call in the lawyers on anyone who infringes on the "look and feel" of the bulb changing method.
Fun things to do at a funeral!!! * Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you. * Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens. * Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first. * Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover. * Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased. * At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo. * Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it. * Ask the widow to give you a kiss. * Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn. * Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin. * Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the body. * Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow. * Leave some phoney dog poop on top of the deceased. * Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over. * Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them. * Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp. * Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you. * Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts. * Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tattooing on. * Put crazy-glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss. * Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit. * If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose. * When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth. * Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and preteo faint. * At the cemetary take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose. * Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin. * Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried. * Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes. * Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.
Q: What is the range of a tuba? A: Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm.
Q: What is more useful: the sun or the moon? A: The moon, because the moon shines at night when you want the light, whereas the sun shines during the day when you don't need it.
"A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'" "I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes." - Steven Wright
PC terms of the day: amphibian American - frog anal-cranially inverted - butthead chemically challenged - drug addict chronologically gifted - old creatively re-dyed - stained differently organized - messy metabolically challenged - dead morally (ethically) challenged - a crook ontologically challenged - fictional or mythological osmotically challenged - Thirsty other aged - too old/young (dual purpose) person of region - redneck petroleum transfer technician - gas station attendent photonically non-receptive - blind residentially flexible - homeless romantically challenged - single selectively perceptive - insane spacially perplexed - drunk structurally challenged - broken energy-efficient - off environmentally correct human - dead domestic engineer - housewife ethnically homogenous area - ghetto or barrio fecally plenary - full of crap folically independent - bald living impaired - dead
If you add water to powdered milk you get milk... right? If you add water to powdered orange juice you get orange juice... right? So... what happens if you add water to baby powder?
TOP TEN LEPRECHAUN PET PEEVES 10. Nobody takes you seriously because you're a member of the fairy family. 9. They don't make those cool, pump tennis shoes in your size. 8. Price of gold keeps dropping--should have invested in pork bellies. 7. People confuse you with those blue, plastic trolls. 6. One-size-fits-all fashions. 5. Those cookie-making elves get more t.v. exposure. 4. Careless lawn mower operators! 3. Lack of career opportunities for the vertically challenged. 2. The film "Darby O'Gill and The Little People" failed to present an accurate portrayal of their rich cultural heritage and traditions. Instead, it merely reinforced the racial stereotype of Leprechauns. 1. Women not impressed with the size of your shillelagh.
Q: How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.
"There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators." - Steven Wright
"PC" terms of the moment: biologically challenged - dead bovine control officers - Dallas Cowboys motivationally dispossessed - lazy Caucasian Culturally-Disadvantaged - white trash microslothically enabled - Windows user
Q: How many amoebas does it take to change a lightbulb ? A: One. No, 2. No, 4. No, 8. No, 16. No, 32....... A: One. Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ? Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. (Warning: do not tell this to Romulans or be ready for a fight. They consider this joke to be a disgrace) Q: How many dyslexics does it take to bulb a light change? A: Eno.
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny. I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were! For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running... (Slow glance upward.) I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright, I was still inside. Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came back the entire area was missing. I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night. My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them. - Steven Wright
"The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot." - Leno's monologue
A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech. Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks, "Is there a pharmacist in the house?"
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row." - Steven Wright
"All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.'" - Steven Wright
Doctor: Did you take the patient's temperature? Nurse: No. Is it missing?
"I took up a new hobby. I took up astronomy, so I put in a skylight. The people who live above me are furious." - Steven Wright
Personnel officer: Where did you study accounting? Applicant: In yale. Personnel officer: Very good! Just the man we're looking for. You're hired. What did you say your name was? Applicant: Yackson, sir.
*Five hints that you're wearing too much black: 1) You approach your closet with a flashlight. 2) You sense your local priest is jealous. 3) It takes more than 10 minutes for your date to find you in a crowd. 4) Gray is starting to look colorful. 5) Widows tell you to cheer up.
"My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in 1912... Well, to make a long story short ..." "I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest." "I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography." - Steven Wright
Doctor: Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters? Nurse: No change yet.
Fun Things To Do At A Therapist's Office ("Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription") Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like. After everything he says, say, "And how does that make you feel?" Point at random things and say, "Where did you get that?" Complain that his chair looks more comfortable. Repeat over and over, "I'm not hanging out with a bad influence, I AM a bad influence!" Sit underneath your chair. Stand on your head. Kill spiders on the wall with your fist. Eat what sticks to your hand and leave the rest sticking to the wall. Draw a circle around it to make sure everyone sees it. Never stop smiling. Scream every word. Repeatedly tell him to look at the ceiling. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the chair. When he finally does, repeatedly tell him to look at the desk, etc... Put your shoes on the wrong feet. Try to seduce him with chocolate donuts. Try to talk him into sitting on the floor. Tell him Matlock is the key to all your problems. Eat his books. Talk to his leg. Don't face him when he talks to you. Talk really slowly. Try to eat your hand. If he offers you coffee, ask him to spill it on your lap. Make sure you make butt-prints in his couch. Pretend you hear music. Tell him you think his secretary is really a man. Pretend to drink. Offer him an imaginary cookie.
Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? A: The Enterprise is transporting a stuffy, pompous Federation diplomat to a crucial peace conference when the bulb burns out. Scotty rigs up some odds and ends that will keep it burning for twenty-four hours but they need to get a replacement in that time. So the ship makes an emergency detour to Alpha Regula IV, the nearest planet with any known light bulb stocks. However, when Kirk, Spock, McCoy and three security men beam down, a Klingon ship appears, so Scotty warps the Enterprise out of orbit. Meanwhile, on the planet, two of the security men are killed by a sentient energy field and the other dies when a native throws a poisoned spear at him. Kirk, Spock and McCoy are taken prisoner by the natives, who mistakenly assume them to be in league with the energy field which has been killing them, too. Kirk realizes that they have tons of light bulbs which could be useful to the Federation, so he attempts to communicate with the chief, who agrees to let Kirk have the light bulbs if he survives a duel with the tribe's greatest warrior. In a rough, tough and bone crunching fight, Kirk wins at the last minute. In gratitude, the chief allows him to sleep with his daughter, who has fallen in love with him. McCoy cures his wife of her chronic illness and delivers her baby. As they celebrate, the energy field appears and is about to kill everybody when Spock uses a mindmeld to convince it the tribe is not a threat. Meanwhile, in space, Scotty has resisted the entreaties of the diplomat to fall for the Klingons' phony peace ploy, violating Federation law when he overrules him, but later the diplomat is convinced when Scotty fights them off, and at the last minute, he returns to orbit and beams up the landing party, who now have all the light bulbs the Federation needs. After the last commercial break, they screw it in, and then Kirk, McCoy and Spock sit together on the bridge and make philosophical/humorous comments about what just happened. That stock shot of the Enterprise flying off into the starfield appears, and the episode ends.
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