From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

          A parrot fancier who happened into a London pet shop noticed a
particularly colorful bird and asked its price.

  "Five thousand pounds," the shop owner replied.

  "Five thousand pounds?" the man asked.  "Why so much?"

  "Well, this bird speaks fluent Italian, Spanish and French, is
brushing up on his German and starting to study English," came the
reply.  "With the European Community's unicifation due in 1992, he'll
be a great asset."

  "I don't care about the Common Market," the parrot fancier said.
"What about that gray one in that other cage?"

  The gray one was 15,000 pounds, he was told, because the bird spoke
Arabic, Chinese, and Korean and was learning Japanese -- "the
languages of the 21st century."

  "I'm too old to worry about the 21st century," the frustrated parrot
lover replied.  "What about that mangy brown one up on that perch in
the corner?"

  The brown one, said the shopkeeper, was 25,000 pounds.

  "Twenty-five thousand pounds!" exclaimed the customer.  "What does
he do to worth that?"

  "We're not sure," the pet-shop owner replied.  "But the other two
call him chairman."


        -- From former chairman of the US Federal Reserve Paul Volcker,
 according to the Wall Street Journal



Q:  How many Goths does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A:  None. They prefer everything all black anyway.



   A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the
pharmacy to buy some condoms.
   The pharmacist says, "What can I help you with?"
   The teen hesistantly says, "I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom."
   Pharmacist says, "Okay.  Here you are."  (Sets a box of condoms on counter)
   The teen, thinking that was rather easy and painless, says, "Well, now that I
think about it, I think I'll be needing two boxes of condoms."
   The pharmacist replies, "Well, okay."  (Gets another one)
   The teen, getting even bolder, then says, "Actually, its a pretty hot date I
have tonight.  I think I'll be needing four boxes of condoms."
   The teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he
wants until he's leaving the pharmacy with 20 boxes of condoms.
   Later that night, the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house.  She tells
him that he's invited to stay for dinner.  So he goes in and sits down at the
table with all of her family.  The father asks if he'd like to say grace before
beginning the meal.
   The teen accepts and says the following, "Oh Lord, thank you for this food
and the hands that made it, and the people who took the time to grow it and...
(goes on for nearly 10 minutes, blessing *everything* including the table, the
silverware, all the containers, the floor, etc...) ...Amen.
   The girl turns to the teen and says, "Gee, I didn't know that you were really
religious."
   The teen whispers back, "Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist."




        "A friend of mine gave me a Philip Glass record.  I listened to it
for five hours before I realized it had a scratch on it."

                  - Emo Phillips



        "We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter
stands a woman.  And behind her stands his wife."
                 - Groucho Marx



        Doctor:         Have you ever had this before?
        Patient:        Yes.
        Doctor:         Well, you've got it again.



        I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
        Notify".  I wrote "Doctor"...  What's my mother going to do?

        I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology...  The
        study of milkmen.

        The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
        rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
        a tree.

                - Steven Wright



        A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to a live
very long life. What should I do?"
        "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies.  "Let's see,
do you smoke?"
        "Oh..  Half a pack a day."
        "Starting NOW, no more smoking."  The man agrees.
        The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
        "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a
beer or two every once in a while."
        "Starting now, you drink only water.  No exceptions."
        The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
        The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
        "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff."
        "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet.  You are going
to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
        The man is now really worried.  "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
        "Do you want to live long?"
        "Yes."
        "Well then, it's absolutely necessary.  And don't even think of
breaking the diet."  The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues,
"Do you have sex?"
        "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
        "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds.  No
more sex for you.  None."
        The man is appalled.  "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer
this way?"
        "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to
seem like an eternity!"



A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge
in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what
kind of knowledge pills are available.  The pharmacist says "Here's a
pill for English literature."  The student takes the pill and swallows
it and has new knowledge about English literature!

"What else do you have?" asks the student.

"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history,"
replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge
about those subjects.

Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?"

The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the
storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the
counter.

"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard
to swallow."



        "I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury."

                - Groucho Marx



   A college woman dated a trumpeter and when she came back to the dorm, her
roommate ask, "Well, how was it?  Did his embouchre make him a great kisser?"
   The first woman replied, "Aw, that dry, tight, tiny little pucker; it was no
fun at all."
   The next night, she dated a tuba player and when she came back, her roommate
asked her, "Well, how was his kissing?"
   "Ugh!" she replied, "Those rubbery, blubbery, slobbering slabs of meat!  Oh,
it was just gross!"
   The next night, she dated a French horn player and when she came back, her
roommate asked her, "Well, was his kissing any better?"
   "His kissing was just so-so," she replied, "but I *loved* the way he held
me!"



        Doctor:         Does it hurt when you do this?
        Patient:        Yes.
        Doctor:         Well, don't do that.



Form letter:  Change the appropriate names and send home.

Dear Mom and Dad,

   It has now been three months since I left for college.  I am sorry for my
thoughtlessness in not having written before.  I will bring you up to date but
before you read on you had better sit down.  Okay?
   I am getting along pretty well now.  The skull fracture and concussion I got
when I jumped out of my apartment window when it caught fire after my arrival
here is pretty well healed.  I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I
can see almost normally and only get these sick headaches once a day.
Fortunately the fire and my jump were witnessed by Roger an attendant at the gas
station, and he was the one who called the fire department.  He also visited me
in the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live he was kind enough to invite me
to share his apartment with him.  He is a very fine man, and we are planning to
get married.  We haven't set the date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy
begins to show.  His divorce is final now, and he shares custody of his 3
children.
   The reason for the delay in our marriage is that Roger has a minor infection
which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly
caught it from him.  This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am
taking daily.
   Now that I have brought you up to date I want to tell you that there was no
fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture, I was not in the hospital,
I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis, and there is no
divorced man in my life.  However, I am getting a "D" in Art and an "F" in
Biology and I wanted you to see these marks in the proper perspective.

                                     Your loving daughter,
                                     Bonnie



        This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the
doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.
Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.
Guy:    Well, give me the really bad news first.
Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.
Guy:    And the bad news?
Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.
Guy:    Thank God.  I was afraid I had cancer!



        I was in the grocery store.  I saw a sign that said "pet supplies."
So I did.  Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

        - Steven Wright



Doctor:   "I have some bad news and some very bad news."
Patient:  "Well, might as well give me the bad news first."
Doctor:   "The lab called with your test results.  They said you have 24
hours
              to live."
Patient:  "24 hours!  That's terrible!  What could be worse?
                What's the very bad news?"
Doctor:   "I've been trying to reach you since yesterday."



                 How To Write Good
                          by Frank L. Visco

My several years in the word game have learnt me several rules:

1. Avoid alliteration.  Always.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat.)
4. Employ the vernacular.
5. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
6. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.
7. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
8. Contractions aren't necessary.
9. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
10. One should never generalize.
11. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson once said, "I hate quotations.
    Tell me what you know."
12. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
13. Don't be redundant; don't more use words than necessary; it's highly
    superfluous.
14. Profanity sucks shit.
15. Be more or less specific.
16. Understatement is always best.
17. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
18. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be avoided.
21. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
22. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
23. Who needs rhetorical questions?



Alaska's legislature could have dealt with marijuana recriminalization
two years ago by amending the state's constitution.  Why didn't they?

It would have required them to pass a joint resolution.



      This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure
      thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it."
     "What do you want?"
     "Well, it's a hot date, man.  A sure thing?  You know..."
     "What do you want?"
     "I need some protection, alright??!?!"
     "What size?"
     "Size?  I dunno...  Whatever is considered average I guess."
     "That'll be $2.35 including tax."
     "Tacks?  Tacks?  I thought they stayed on by themselves!"




1st man: I woke up this morning and felt so bad that I tried to kill
         myself by taking a thousand aspirin.
2nd man: Oh really, what happened?
1st man: After the first two, I felt better.




        "When I was a little kid we had a sand box.  It was a quicksand box.
         I was an only child...  Eventually."

                        - Steven Wright



        "I love to go to the playground and see little children jump
                  and scream....they don't know I'm using blanks..."

                        - Emo Phillips



   In a forest, a fox bumped into a little rabbit, and said, "Hi Junior, what
are you up to?"
   "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes." said the rabbit.
   "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
   "Well, follow me and I'll show you."
   They both go into the rabbit's dwellings and after a while, the rabbit
emerges with a satisfied expression on his face.
   Along comes a wolf.  "Hello, what are you doing these days?"
   "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbit's devour wolves."
   "Are you crazy!  Where is your academic honesty?"
   "Come with me and I'll show you."
   As before, the rabbit comes out with a satisfied expression on his face and
with a diploma in his paw.
   Finally, the camera pans to the rabbit's cave and as everybody should have
guessed by now, we see a mean looking, huge lion sitting next to some bloody and
furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.

   The moral: it's not the contents of your thesis that is important, it's your
supervisor that really counts!!



Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.



Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother?
Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.
Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?
Sister: Three years.  We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

	         --After Groucho Marx?


        "A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have to
go.  You'll just be walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better..."

        "I had a friend who was a clown.  When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car."

                -Steven Wright



        Patient:  Doctor, I think I need glasses.
        Teller:   You certainly do.  This is a bank.



Mommy, Mommy!  What's a vampire?
Shut up and eat your soup before it clots!



        I love to go shopping.  I love to freak out salespeople.  They ask
me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?"  Then
they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."

        I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint.  It was in
the shape of a house.  I also bought some batteries, but they weren't
included.  So I had to buy them again.

        I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked up
to me and said, "Can I help you?"  And I said "Yeah, do you got anything I
like?"  He said, "What do you mean do we have anything you like?"  I said,
"You started this."
               - Steven Wright
 


 
        When I was a kid, they called me "four eyes." Then I got glasses,
and they called me "eight eyes."
                        -Woody Allen



 
   After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me
a pearl necklace for Valentine's day.  What do you think it means?"
   "You'll know tonight." he said.
   That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife.
Delighted, she opened it up to find a book entitled "The Meaning Of Dreams".



        I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane.  I told everybody I'm
        Narcissus.

                - Steven Wright



        Diner: I can't eat this chicken.  Call the manager.
        Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.



        A hippie dies and goes to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter looks him up, and
says, "I'm sorry, but you'll be going down to Hell." The hippie, astounded,
peers through the gates and sees God walking in the distance. "God!" he
says. "What gives? Remember that time I was tripping on acid? I saw you,
and you said we'd be in Heaven together forever!"

        God thought for a minute, then said, "Oh yeah, but I was drunk."



        Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings.  Whenever I
get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call.  One time I dropped
the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so I had it
disconnected.  I bought a new phone though. I didn't have much money so I
had to buy an irregular phone -- it had no number 5 on it.  I saw a close
friend of mine the other day...  He said, "Steven, why haven't you called
me?"  I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My new phone has no five on
it."  He said, "How long have you had it?"  I said, "I don't know...  My
calendar has no sevens on it."

        I got an answering machine for my phone.  Now when I'm not home and
somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy signal.  I like to
leave messages before the beep.

                - Steven Wright



        I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
        sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where."  I
        said, "What's your problem buddy?"  He said, "I'm sick of this
        stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
        I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
        a bird."  I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on
        in.  Want some eggs?  Sorry."

                -Steven Wright



Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do
problems on the blackboard that day.

``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?''

No one raised their hand.  She called on Tommy, and with some help he
finally got it right.

``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?''

Students hid their faces.  She called on Mark, who got the problem but
there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him.

``Who would like to do the third problem, division?''

Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at
nothing in particular.  The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right
(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends).

``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?''

Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room.  Mrs. Johnson
finally gained her composure in the stunned silence.  ``Why the
enthusiasm, Tim?''

``God said to go fourth and multiply!''





        "There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
        In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air."

        "I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time.'  So
        I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."

        "I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
        buffet in the shape of an Ouija board.  You'd think about what
        kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
        to it."

                        -Steven Wright



        ...So the priest is talking to the minister, and he's complaining
that someone's stolen his bicycle.  The minister replies, "Well, I've had
things go missing too.  What I always do is to give a sermon on the Ten
Commandments, and really lay into `thou shalt not steal'. Usually, the item
just turns up by Tuesday."  The priest agrees, and they go their separate
ways.

        The next week, the minster meets the priest again, and asks whether
he got the bike back.  "Oh, yes!  I did just what you said, and when I got
to the bit about coveting thy neighbor's wife, I remembered just where I'd
left it!"

        - Dave Allen (Irish Comedian)



Q:  How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  To get to the other side.


Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Nine.  One to change the bulb, and eight to protest about the nuclear
    power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.


Q:  How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  None:  The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.


        Q:  How many net.poets does it take to change a light bulb?

                           swimming
        A:  None, fish are          through the       of my conciousness,
                   and                          edges
                   I          dark.
                      like the

Q:  How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:  Six.  One to screw in the lightbulb and five to fend off all those
    Californians trying to share the experience.

Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  One.  He gives it to six Oregonians, thereby simplifying the
    problem to the previous question.




        "I have the world's largest collection of seashells.  I keep it
        on all the beaches of the world...  Perhaps you've seen it."

                - Steven Wright



        "It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
        they'd just stay right up there.  Hunters would be all confused."

                - Steven Wright



        I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the
        aisle where they keep the generic brands.  Her name was "woman".

                - Steven Wright




        Two brothers went to confession, the younger one went in first.
The priest always liket to ask questions to the children before their
confession so the priest asked the little boy, "Do you know where God is?"
The little boy ran
out and told his brother, "Let's get the hell out of here, the priest lost
God and wants to blame it on me!"



        "I think it's a good thing to ask at a job interview
         if they ever press charges"
                - Jack Handey.



Q:  How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  JUST EXACTLY DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? HUH? HUH?



Q:  How many schizophrenics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:  Well, he thinks it's five but as we all now it's only him, so...



A friend asks God where he's going on holiday this year and God
replies, "Certainly not earth again. I went there about 2 millenia ago,
got some girl pregnant - they haven't stopped talking about it since!"



        Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
        own food.  My argument was that the concession stand prices are
        outrageous.  Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.

        One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab.  The movie cost me
        $95.

        I went to the cinema, and the prices were:  Adults $5.00,
        children $2.50.  So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

                - Steven Wright



        "I was born by Caesarean section...  But not so you'd notice. It's
just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
                - Steven Wright



        "When I was a baby, I kept a diary.  Recently, I was rereading it.
It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move.  Day 2 -- Everybody talks to
me like I'm an idiot."
                - Steven Wright




        "Let's look at the positive side of nuclear war. One big plus is
that the Postal Service says it has a plan to deliver the mail after the
war, which is considerably more than it is doing now."

                - Dave Barry,
                  Dave Barry's Day by day Calandar,
                  Tuesday, Jan. 31.



        A priest and a rabbi found themselves seated together on a long
trans Atlantic flight. They started talking and became quite friendly.  The
priest slyly said to the rabbi, "Tell me the truth Rabbi. Have you ever
tried a ham sandwich?

        The rabbi confessed that he had once tried a ham sandwich. Then he
asked the priest, "You guys are supposed to be celebate. Have you ever had
sex with a
woman?"  The priest confessed that he had.  "Beats the hell out of a ham
sandwich, doesn't it?" asked the rabbi.




        Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84:

        The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request
for overheated passengers.  When your timer pops up, the driver will
cheerfully baste you.
                - Chicago Reader 5/28/82




Q:      What do you call a groupie that can count to four?
A:      The drummer.



Q:      Have you heard about the new cafe on mars?
A:      Great food, but there's no atomosphere.




Q:      How many nuclear scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:      Five: one to change the lightbulb, and four to work out what to do
with old one for the next 20,000 years.



Q:              What is the difference between New Jersey and Yogurt?
A:              Yogurt has culture.



Q:              How many Vulcans does it take to replace a bulb?
A:              Precisely 1.00000



Q:              How did Canada get it's name?
A:              They drew the letters out of a hat:

                'C', eh?
                'N', eh?
                'D', eh?




        Today I dialed a wrong number...  The other person said,
        "Hello?"  And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"...  They
        said, "Uh...  I don't think so...  he's only 2 months old."  I
        said, "I'll wait."

                        - Steven Wright




        I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
        stand.  "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but
        the truth so help you, God?"  "Yes, you're ugly.  See that women
        in the jury?  I'd really like to sleep with her.  Should I keep
        going or are you going to ask me questions?"
                - Steven Wright




        I have a map of the United States... Actual size.  It says, "Scale:
1 mile = 1 mile."   I was bored one day last summer, so I folded it.  12
people died."  I also have a full-size map of the world.  I hardly ever
unroll it.   People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".

                -Steven Wright




        "All you have to do to see the accuracy of my thesis is look around
you.  Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average
incomes for doing average jobs -- bank vice presidents, insurance salesman,
auditors, secretaries of defense -- and you'll realize they all dress the
same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear
department dress.  Now look at the real successes, the people who make a
lot more money than you -- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi
Arabia, Big Bird, and so on.  They all dress funny -- and they all succeed.
Are you catching on?"
                                - Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success"



                        How to Win Arguments
                             (excerpts)

*Point B:
         Make things up.

        Suppose, in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that YOU
are underpaid, and you're damned if you're going to let a bunch of
Peruvians be better off.  DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are underpaid."
Say: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars adjusted for the
revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is $836.07 before the mean
gross poverty level."

        NOTE: Always make up exact figures.

        If an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT
up, too.  Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for
the Buford Commission published May 9, 1982.  Didn't you read it?" Say this
in the same tone of voice you would use to say "You left your soiled
underwear in my bath house."




*Point C:
        Use meaningless but weightly-sounding words and phrases.

        Memorize this list:

                Let me put it this way
                In terms of
                Vis-a-vis
                Per se
                As it were
                Qua
                So to speak

        You should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.,"
"e.g.," and "i.e."  These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you do
not."

        Here's how to use these words and phrases.  Suppose you want to
say: "Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."
        You never win arguments talking like that.  But you WILL win if you
say: "Let me put it this way.  In terms of appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians
qua Peruvians, they would like to order them more often, so to speak, but
they do not have enough money per se, as it were. Q.E.D."

Only a fool would challenge that statement.



*Point E:
        Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.

        This is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously
right and you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say:
"That sounds suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say" or
"You certainly do remind me of Adolf Hitler."



You know why they don't have a pessimest club?
It wouldn't help even if there was one....



Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp.  What chicken?
George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.
Salvador Dali: The Fish.
Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.
Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.
Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?
Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.
James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest.
Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.
Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.
Mr. Scott: 'Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly.
Ah canna work miracles, Captain!
Mr. T: If you saw me coming you'd cross the road too!



                Why did the chicken cross the border?
                      To get to Taco Bell(tm)!



Q:      Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:      To prevent the sensible ones from going home.



        "Did you hear about the new "morning-after" pill being developed as a
replacement for RU-486?  It's called RU-Pentium. It causes the embryo to
not divide correctly."
                                        - unknown




Q: What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?
A: One's a flaming Nazi gasbag. The other is just a dirigible.