The QQQ-Files

From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Here is a conversion chart taken from The Bent of Tau Beta Pi
Spring 1988.  Reprinted without permission.

10**12 Microphones = 1 Megaphone
10**6 bicycles = 2 megacycles
500 millinaries = 1 seminary
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
10**-6 fish = 1 microfiche
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 unit of suspense in a mystery novel = 1 whod unit
10**12 pins = 1 terrapin
10**21 picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
5 holocausts = 1 Pentacost
10 monologues = 5 dialogues = 1 decalogue
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickles = 2 paradigms
2 snake eyes = 1 paradise
1 milli-Helen (of Troy) = amount of face that can launch one ship

Ovulation versus cretinism Two different theories exist concerning the origin of children: the theory of sexual reproduction, and the theory of the stork. Many people believe in the theory of sexual reproduction because they have been taught this theory at school. In reality, however, many of the world's leading scientists are in favour of the theory of the stork. If the theory of sexual reproduction is taught in schools, it must only be taught as a theory and not as the truth. Alternative theories, such as the theory of the stork, must also be taught. Evidence supporting the theory of the stork includes the following: 1. It is a scientifically established fact that the stork does exist. This can be confirmed by every ornithologist. 2. The alleged human foetal development contains several features that the theory of sexual reproduction is unable to explain. 3. The theory of sexual reproduction implies that a child is approximately nine months old at birth. This is an absurd claim. Everyone knows that a newborn child is newborn. 4. According to the theory of sexual reproduction, children are a result of sexual intercourse. There are, however, several well documented cases where sexual intercourse has not led to the birth of a child. 5. Statistical studies in the Netherlands have indicated a positive correlation between the birth rate and the number of storks. Both are decreasing. 6. The theory of the stork can be investigated by rigorous scientific methods. The only assumption involved is that children are delivered by the stork. (Original version by Erkki Aalto, Dept. of Obstetrics, Gynaecology and Stork Science, University of Helsinki) (English version by Jopi Louko, Institute of Stork Research, University of Alberta)
A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software--regardless of how insignificant," said the master. "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. "It is," came the reply. "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. "It is even in a video game," said the master. "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is over for today," he said. [Reprinted from The Tao of Programming.]
Q: What's the difference between a quantum mechanic and an auto mechanic? A: A quantum mechanic can occasionally get his car into the garage without opening the door.
PROFESSOR EPPENDORF'S LABORATORY NOVELTIES AND PRACTICAL JOKES by Zev Winicur X-RAY SPECS Forget the cheap, plastic x-ray specs from yesteryear. These battery powered spectacles contain a real x-ray! Hold your hand in front of your face to see your bones wiggling around. Count your friends' vertebrae and locate joint articulations. Great at lab parties! $11.99 each ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- LEONARD THE TALKING LAB MOUSE Turn Leonard on and he occasionally twitches in his cage. Pick him up by his tail and he says, ``Hey, put me down!'' Covered with real mouse fur, Leonard is the most realistic looking ersatz mouse on the market. $14.99 each ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- REMOTE-CONTROLLED GEIGER COUNTER Looks and acts like a real Geiger counter but you can make the needle ``jump'' at the press of a button. Hide the remote control in your pocket and make the needle move when people check themselves for radiation. They'll go into hysterics thinking they have received a lethal dose! Yuks galore! $259.99 each ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PIPETTE TIPS You will be the talk of the lab with these handy glow-in-the-dark pipette tips. They fit standard 20, 200, and 1000 microliter pipetmen. $19.49 for bulk bag of 1000 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- SNAKE-IN-A-REAGENT-JAR Three spring snakes fit into our realistic chemical reagent jar. People expecting to weigh out chemicals will be ``attacked'' by the snakes! A laugh riot! $4.99 for reagent jar and three snakes ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- CENTRIFUGE NOISES This mini tape recorder fits behind any standard ultracentrifuge. As the centrifuge accelerates, the mini recorder makes incredibly loud scraping sounds to simulate the rotor becoming unbalanced. Watch them run for cover as they think the rotor is about to go through the wall! $13.99 each ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- THE SPILLED EXPERIMENT GAG Based on the old ``spilled beer gag'', an Erlenmeyer flask is tipped on its side with the ``contents'' spilling out. The ``liquid'' is really a transparent, solid plastic but only you will know that. Perfect for dealing with neatness nuts in the lab. $4.99 each ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- DRIBBLE BEAKER Looks like a real beaker but when the researcher pours out any fluid, it dribbles down the side! More fun than a barrel of monkeys! $5.99 each
A quick comparison: --------------------------- --------------------------- Drug dealers Software developers --------------------------- --------------------------- Refer to their clients Refer to their clients as "users". as "users". "The first one's free!" "Download a free trial version..." Have important South-East Have important South-East Asian connections Asian connections (to help move the stuff). (to help debug the code). Strange jargon: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "SCSI," "RTFM," "Dime bag," "E". "Java," "ISDN". Realize that there's Realize that there's tons of cash in the tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old 14- to 25-year-old market. market. Job is assisted by the Job is assisted by industry's producing industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. newer, faster machines. Often seen in the company Often seen in the company of of pimps and hustlers. marketing people and venture capitalists. Their product causes DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. unhealthy addictions. 'Nuff said. Do your job well, and Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you.
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different." --Goethe
Proper Diskette and Care Usage 1. Never leave diskettes in the drive, as the data can leak out of the disk and corrode the inner mechanics of the drive. Diskettes should be rolled up and stored in pencil holders. 2. Diskettes should be cleaned and waxed once a week. Microscopic metal particles may be removed by waving a powerful magnet over the surface of the disk. Any stubborn metal shavings can be removed with scouring powder and steel wool. When waxing a diskette, make sure the surface is even. This will allow the diskette to spin faster, resulting in better access time. 3. Do not fold diskettes unless they do not fit into the drive. "Big" Diskettes may be folded and used in "Little" drives. 4. Never insert a diskette into the drive upside down. The data can fall off the surface of the disk and jam the intricate mechanics of the drive. 5. Diskettes cannot be backed up by running them through a photo copy machine. If your data is going to need to be backed up, simply insert TWO diskettes into your drive. Whenever you update a document, the data will be written onto both disks. A handy tip for more legible backup copies: Keep a container of iron filings at your desk. When you need to make two copies, sprinkle iron filings liberally between the diskettes before inserting them into the drive. 6. Diskettes should not be removed or inserted from the drive while the red light is on or flashing. Doing so could result in smeared or possibly unreadable text. Occasionally, the red light remains flashing in what is known as a "hung" or "hooked" state. If your system is hooking, you will probably need to insert a few coins before being allowed to access the slot. 7. If your diskette is full and needs more storage space, remove the disk from the drive and shake vigorously for two minutes. This will pack the data enough (data compression) to allow for more storage. Be sure to cover all openings with scotch tape to prevent loss of data. 8. Data access time may be greatly improved by cutting more holes in the diskette jacket. This will provide more simultaneous access points to the disk. 9. Periodically spray diskettes with insecticide to prevent system bugs from spreading..... -- (Keith Meidling)
How does a VLSI designer paint a living room? 1. Put a paint shaker in the middle of the floor. 2. Put an open can of paint in the paint shaker. 3. Turn it on. Run out of the room very quickly. Everything in the room is now covered with paint. 4. Wait until the paint dries. 5. Cover every part of the room you really wanted painted with masking tape. Leave the floor, switch plates, etc. uncovered. 6. Put an open can of paint remover in the paint shaker. 7. Turn it on. Run out of the room very quickly. Everything not covered with masking tape is now clean again. 8. Remove the masking tape. 9. Remove the paint shaker and sludge from the floor.
[Seen in the Valentines listings in the Daily Californian] >>> Dearest Annette, #include main() { int time; for(time=0; time What happens when you post to the wrong group... (from (Thomas Pyles) wrote: > We just got a new kitten, 4-5 months old, just neutered. He has smelly > stinkers (can't think of a nicer phrase). We've never had such a gaseous > cat before. It doesn't seem linked to food (dry, canned, premium or > supermarket). Any suggestions or hints on how to combat this malodorous > syndrome would be appreciated. Have you tried restarting it without extensions?
A unix system administrator joined the Army. As part of his basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried to find out why. "What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?" "I was a unix system administrator," replied the new recruit, "and I don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..." The system administator checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off! "Well," the system administator said, writhing in pain, "the bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
There was a physicist who was in the habit of getting home quite late. One time, he came home at 2:30 a.m. with a torn shirt, lipstick on his collar, hair messed up, and generally looking like hell. His wife caught him coming in the door and demanded to know why he came home so late. His story: "Well, after I quit work for the day, a few friends and I went out to the bar for a few drinks. We met up with some rather good-looking young women, and started to drink to excess; things just kept happening, as you can well see. I sobered up enough to note how late it was, so I rushed home." She said, "YOU LIAR!! YOU WERE IN THE LAB AGAIN, WEREN'T YOU???!!!"
The Top Nine lines from the upcoming TNG episode "The Enterprise Stops at Taco Bell" 9) (Picard) Don't order the fajitas, Number One, they'll go through you at warp nine. 8) (Wesley, guest starring) Look, mister, the sign says you get a free "Little Orphan Annie" cup with any taco salad purchase, and I'm not leaving here til l I get one! 7) (Worf) Klingons do NOT eat burritos! 6) (Geordi) I bet if I allowed anti-matter to collide with these chimichangas we could boost warp power by 27 percent! 5) (Dr. Crusher, pointing tricorder at a taco) Inconclusive meat readings, Captain. 4) (Picard) You're on, Number One. Whoever can squirt the most jalapeno sauce up his nose gets treated to dessert. 3) (Riker) What do you mean you don't serve tokelau here? What kind of Mexican restaurant is this? 2) (Data, re-joining Geordi after bugging Picard with a boring monologue on the history of the enchilada) I do not believe it is physically possible for me to place an enchilada in the area suggested by the Captain. 1) (Troi) I sense... indigestion.
More Pick-Up Lines to use on Engineers. 1. I won't stop bugging you until I get the address of your home page. 2. You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. 3. The second derivative of my love for you is positive because it is always increasing. 4. Let's convert our potential energy to kinetic energy 5. Wanna come back to my room and see my 300mhz PowerPC 603e? 6. How about me and you go back to my place and form a covalent bond? 7. Me and you would add up better than a Riemann sum. 8. Why don't we measure the coefficient of static friction between me and you? 9. Wanna see the programs in my HP-48GX? 10. What's your surface area? Can I measure it? 11. Isn't your e-mail address 12. You're hotter than thermite! 13. I'd like to browse through your clothes like I browse through Netscape.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to screw in a light bulb? A1: One, but it costs $2000 and you have to replace the motherboard. A2: Two: One to ask the socket to eject the old bulb, and one to insert the new one. A3: None. Mac users don't screw, they just click the genital icon.
You know it is time to get out of consulting when... 1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are. 2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization." 3. You refer to dating as test marketing. 4. You can spell "paradigm." 5. You actually know what a paradigm is. 6. You understand your airline's fare structure. 7. You write executive summaries on your love letters. 8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with six other people you don't know. 9. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and "improvement opportunities." 10. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint. 11. You calculate your own personal cost of capital. 12. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt." 13. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering," "down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing people's arses." 14. You actually believe your explanation in number 13. 15. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost." 16. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime consumption function, and an evening consumption function. 17. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO." 18. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his desk and stared out his window..." 19. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss. 20. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend. 21. You refer to divorce as "divestiture." 22. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall Street Journal. 23. None of your favorite publications have cartoons. 24. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an expense. 25. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your spouse produce another child. 26. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting about their brand equity. 27. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down payment. 28. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills. 29. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing. 30. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and Internet connection.
Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
TOP TEN REJECTED TITLES FOR STAR WARS EPISODE 1: 10. The Good, The Bad, and the Jedi 9. In the Line of a Landing Shuttle 8. A Few Good Wampas 7. Anakin Skywalker and the Emperor's Lost Underwear 6. A Fistful of Thermal Detonators 5. Scent of a Wookie 4. Maximum Obi-Drive 3. Take Ewok on the Wild Side 2. Jabba the Hutt's Sweat'n to the Oldies 1. Hans Solo, pet detective
Q: Did you hear about the Microsoft crystal ball? A: Ask it something and it replies: "Answer unclear. Add 20 Meg of RAM and ask again later."
Q: What do you do with 56 dead protons? A: Barium.
Best file compression around: "rm *" = 100% compression.
Among the first discoveries made possible by artificial earth satellites were belts of strong radiation, named after Dr. James VanAllen, circa 1958. An scientist of asian ancestry, named Fan, made the discovery almost simultaneously but VanAllen published first. The Earth narrowly missed having a Fan Belt.
Top 11 Things Engineering School Didn't Teach You 11.There are at least 10 types of capacitors. 10.Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work. 9.Not everything works according to the specs in the databook. 8.Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use. 7.Always try to fix the hardware with software. 6.Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life. 5.Overtime pay? What overtime pay? 4.Forget an engineering career, just try to keep a job. 3.Managers, not engineers, rule the world. 2.If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software. 1.Dilbert is a documentary. -- the Electronic Engineering Times
Little Miss Muffet opened her notebook and called on WordPerfect to write Along came a spider, who sat down beside her, and explained how the function keys worked.
Q: Is three an odd number? A: Not in this day and age.
First mathemetician: I know this is a group, but it's hard to study. Second mathematician: Well, I can prove it's commutative. First mathematician: Thanks abelian! -- From Kurt Foster
Subject: Lego From: -------@----.---.---.--.-- (Lucian Wischik) Yesterday I decided to return to my youth and took out all my old boxes of lego. I was appalled. I can't imagine that once, in my youth, I used to build systems within such a poor development environemnt. Do you realise that there are no standard libraries or support tools, and that you have to build everything yourself from the 'basic blocks'? There's also no type system. Everything fits with everything else without any built-in checking, so you could put a space rocket next to a medieval castle and it wouldn't even warn you! (And have I mentioned that there are in fact _multiple_ incompatible medieval castle systems?) But what really killed it for me was the complete lack of any macro support. If you want ten copies of something complicated, you have to make the ten copies explicitly yourself! Anyway, I'm making a protest and I'm not going to buy any more until Lego International get their act in gear. What I'd really like to see by the next release is an fully customisable Integrated Development Environment.
>Is there a style guide for media hacks writing about the Internet? Yes. Here, off the top of my head, are thirteen guidelines for writing about the Internet, based on much of the coverage I've seen/heard during the past year... 1. Be sure to confuse online services like AOL and CI$ with the Internet. 2. Be sure to confuse the Web, the Internet, and Usenet with each other. 3. Be sure to declaim that there are fortunes to be made on the net. 4. Be sure to claim the Internet isn't yet ready for business use. 5. Be sure to claim that the Internet is ready for business use. 6. Talk about how the Internet was created to survive a nuclear attack. For extra points, find a way to pronounce it "nuke-u-lar" in print. 7. Pick an Internet population survey and report on it as if it were true. 8. Be sure to obsesss on all that pronography which litters the Internet like dead possums on a back road. Don't actually try looking for any, as first-hand research doesn't count. For extra credit, quote Marty Rimm's pseudo-study; for double credit, quote from the Time magazine pseudo-coverage of it. 9. Talk about how companies like Microsoft and AOL are making the net easier and better to use. Don't ask anyone at those companies how much money they've taken in reselling the concept of the Internet. 10. Talk about how great the net is for mass market email. If you're not up to speed on this, post a query in one or two newsgroups asking for some junk mail... 11. Extoll the virtues of the Web as a multimedia, interactive playground and business platform. If you have a 28.8 modem, don't actually try anything; go find somebody with a T1 line and use their system. 12. Report on Internet-over-cable, voice-over-Internet, and the like as mature technologies that will be readily available in time for the holiday shopping season. 13. Be sure to mention how companies like AT&T, MCI, Sprint and such have made Internet access broadly available, cheap and easy. 14. Explain why Java is safe, and Netscape is worth all the money it IPOd for, based on all those free browsers they gave away. If you can do this, then you're ready to report on the real computer industry, like why Win95 is wonderful and so much better than a Mac.
Once upon a midnight dreary, As I pondered weak and weary, O'er many a quaint and etale sort of cohomology, While inducing representations, I was led to deformations, And the ramifications of modular forms in characteristic p. So I struggled to break free. Ah, discreetly I conjectured, to myself alone I lectured, As the virile bust of Fermat wrought its ghost upon my floor, Suddenly there came an insight, that these flat group schemes were finite And I represented functors never dreamed about before. Then my soul began to soar. "Taniyama!" I then shouted, As the logic from me spouted, "It all comes down to looking at the prime l equals 3!" Modularity is the conclusion, And the Frey curve an illusion, So Fermat's equation cannot have nontrivial roots in Z! Quoth the raven, "Q.E.D". -- Matt Baker
From: tony richards Newsgroups: sci.physics, sci.math >On Thu, 12 Sep 1996 wrote: > >> > >> How about some examples of de-weighting women's contributions in math. >> >BJ: There is Emmy Noether ... Who? What about Fraulein Gauss.. 'keep the strudel coming Berta, I just found a distribution...' Fraulein Euler.. 'no more shnitzel for a while, I aready found a constant..' MAdame Poincare..'I just made a conjecture..' I love it when you talk dirty..' MAdame Lagrange..'mechanics, that's all you think about, and you still can't fix the guillotine...' Mlle Fermat.... 'cherie, what was so important about that particular piece of paper...' Mrs. Boole......' either she goes or I go... and that's not all...and not Nora neither.' ' darling, you've given me a brilliant idea..' Mrs Cantor......'I need a new set, all my other sets are full or fraying at the edges.' 'precious, I'll get you the biggest set I can one'
(sung to the tune of Three Blind Mice) Three rodents with defective visual perception, three rodents with defective visual perception. Visualize how they perambulate, Visualize how they perambulate. They all perambulated after the agriculturalist's spouse, she severed their spinal columns with a kitchen utensil. Have you ever seen such a spectacle in your existence, as three rodents with defective visual perception?
(Math in Ascii Art: ain't it just beautiful?): oo k x __ x e = \ --- /_ k! k=1
Theorem: A Ham Sandwich is better that true happiness. Proof: A Ham Sandwich is better than nothing, and nothing is better than True Happiness. Thus, a Ham Sandwich is better than True Happiness. QED
"My butter, garcon, is writ large in!" a diner was heard to be chargin'. "I HAD to write there," exclaimed waiter Pierre, "I couldn't find room in the margarine." --Authors: Everett Howe, Hendrik Lenstra, and David Moulton. Author: Alf van der Poorten I'm beginning to see the attraction, in deformation 'n complete intersection, I no longer fear 'em, 'cause Fermat's Last Theorem, Demands that they have our affection. --Author: Alf van der Poorten
Ode to Fermat In around 1640, Fermat, upon his reading of Diophantus Was led to a romantic assertion that would From that point on entrance us Never did he dream that a few words in a margin could make him a hero As he wrote that certain equations had no solutions other than zero. Many searched for a proof and there may have been the rumor, It looks a complete solution will be found soon by Kummer. This was not the case and a proof would not appear out of thin air, but perhaps using the curve of Frey and and conjecture of Serre This strategy indeed works as proven by Ribet, Taylor, Wiles, and Wiles Causing the mathematical community at large to don tearful smiles Thus although now the spirit of Fermat is finally content He is shocked that the proof is not just a simple method of descent. Author: E. B. Burger [Or more succinctly,] Roses are red, violets are blue, Fermat is dead, but his theorem is true. -- Anonymous

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