The QQQ-Files

From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Q:  How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:  None.  It's left to the reader as an exercise.

Two electron convicts are sitting in a jail cell together. The first one says, "What are you in for?" The second one says, "For attempting a forbidden trasition."
The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's exposure. One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds are caused by non-drunk drivers. Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.
> The U.S. Department of Justice is considering requiring that all >information transmitted via the Internet contain a flag of some sort >which would contain the information's "Decency Rating", presumably for >the purpose of filtering out anything that would be unacceptable to >certain audiences. > > My reaction upon hearing this was: "It gives a whole new meaning >to the term 'naughty bits'...."
Anagram: A DECIMAL POINT == I'm a dot in place.
Q: Why won't feminists use Unix? A: There aren't any woman pages. [P.S.: I've seen the woman man page, please don't send me another copy!]
Microsoft today announced that it will be changing its name to "Moft" -- which will clear up space on user's hard disks. It is estimated that a typical Windows 95 installation contains about 2,800,000 copies of the word "Microsoft", in copyright notices, end-user licence agreements, 'About' screens, etc. So, after the change, a user will have about 14 MBytes more disk space. Stock prices of hard-disk manufacturers dipped slightly after the announcement. "Well, the programs will take up less space on the user's disk," said Bill Gates, CEO of Moft. "But we have never cared about that. The change will allow us to ship Windows 95 on 13 disks instead of 14, thus saving about $50 million a year in media costs. We are also looking at shortening the names of some of our software products; for instance 'The Microsoft Exchange' may be changed to 'The Moft Pit'. Gates added that the junior programmer who discovered the potential savings has been rewarded with a free copy of 'Moft Off for Moft Win 95'.
"Complete the next two terms of the following sequences" Sequence 1: O T T F F S S... Sequence 2: 3 3 5 4 4 3 5... (E-mail me if you really want the answers)
Gravitation, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another with a strength proportioned to the quantity of matter they contain - the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, makes B the proof of A. -Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary
YOU JUST MIGHT BE AN PHYSICS MAJOR... If you have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically. If you enjoy pain. If you know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division. If you chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force." If you've actually used every single function on your hp48. If when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major. If it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer. If you frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver" or "Buckaroo Banzai" If you always do homework on Friday nights. If you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water. If you think in "math." If you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges. If you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function. If you have a pet named after a scientist. If you laugh at jokes about mathematicians. If the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger's Cat experiment. If you can translate English into Binary. If you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit." If you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab. If you are completely addicted to caffeine. If you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe. If you consider ANY non-science course "easy." If when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe. If the "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use. If you'll assume that a "horse" is a "sphere" in order to make the math easier. You don't exceed the speed limit because you're worried about length contraction. If you understood more than five of these indicators. If you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
Two men walk into a bar. One sits at one end of the bar and the other at the opposite end. The bartender asks the first man what he wants. I'll have a Frizzle__that's a beer with a splash of tonic, a splash of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, no lime." Then the man at the other end of the bar orders. "Make mine a Frizzle. It's a beer with just a bit of tonic, a bit of orange juice, a squeeze of lemon, but no lime." The astonished bartender makes the drinks. Then he asks the first man what he does for a living. "I am a theoretical mathematician at the university." Then he asks the other man what he does. "Theoretical mathematician at the college." "This is remarkable," says the bartender. "You both order a drink that I've never heard of. You have the identical profession and you both walk into my bar on the same day at the same time. What are the odds on something like that happening?" Both men look up and answer in unison, "Twelve trillion, nine hundred, and eighty-seven billion to one."
Q: What's purple, commutes, and is worshiped by a limited number of people? A: A finitely venerated abelian grape.
Two computer science students meet on campus one day. The first calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?" "Well," replies the other, "I was walking to class the other day when a pretty young woman rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off all of her clothes, and says 'You can have ANYTHING you want!' " "Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Heisenberg might have been here.
Top ten signs that you've been using computers too long: 10. When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...". 9. Not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your email address faster than your postal one. 8. When you look for a icon to double-click to open your bedroom window. 7. When asked what languages you speak, the first ones out of mouth are C++ and Pascal. 6. When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits. 5. When you are reading a book and look for the scroll bar to get to the next page. 4. You pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number... 3. When you get in the elevator and double-click the button for the floor you want. 2. When you look for a trash can icon for throwing garbage. 1. You get annoyed with someone and try to click on the "close" box in the title bar of their window.
Theorem: All positive integers are interesting. Proof: Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction. Q.E.D. -- G. B. Thomas (?)
There were two was painted red, one was painted blue. They collided. At last report, the survivors were marooned!
DOUGH, the stuff that buys me beer RAY, the guy that sells me beer ME, the guy who drinks the berr FAR, a long run for beer SO, I'll have another beer LA, I'll have another beer TEA, no thanks I'm drinking beer that will bring is back to D'OH!!!
If inside a circle a line Hits the center and goes spine to spine And the line's length is "d" the circumference will be d times 3.14159 If (1+x) (real close to 1) Is raised to the power of 1 Over x, you will find Here's the value defined: 2.718281...
Top 10 Pick-Up Lines for Honor Dorms 10) I make excellent use of my hard drive. 9) I don't need your number, I'll just finger you later. 8) I always carry protection - you never know when a pen might leak. 7) Do you really think I'm as sexy as Captain Picard? 6) I think the electricity between you and me is throwing off the experiment. 5) I hear the general physics laboratory is gorgeous by moonlight. 4) Hey baby, you don't have to go to the computer lab, you can use my laptop. 3) You know what they say about the size of a man's calculator... 2) I like your Maxwell's Equations T-shirt. I'd like it even better on my bedroom floor. 1) Hey baby, what's your sine?
"To be or not to be, that is the question." Any programmer knows the answer $2b or (not $2b) is $ff.
Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal. But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor. -- [From: (Bill Taylor)]
Question: What is this? ,o*^|*`?. ,8 | ? 8 | 8 8 / \ 8 `8 / \ d `?._ _.o' | ====== / \ / \ \\ // \\____// Answer: Mercedes Benzene.
Q: Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? A: Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, rinse, repeat."
Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!
(For NMR freaks) Q: What is the meaning of the abreviation SPIN ? A: S ociety for the P rotection of I nnocent N uclei
Q: If two is company, and three's a crowd, what are four and five? A: nine. --Shannon, in my real analysis class
Q: "So, if I tie my serial communications cable into a knot, will that change the parity of the electrons?" A: "Of course it won't change. Recall that Yang and Lee got the Nobel Prize in '57 for showing that parity is knot-conserved."
Q: How many quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb ? A1: Two. One to do it, and one to renormalize the wave function. (Explanation - Renormalizing the wave function is something that has to be done to a lot of quantum physics calculations to stop the answer being infinity and makes the answer always come out as one.) A2: They can't. If they know where the socket is, they cannot locate the new bulb.
The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers
Modern Unit Conversions 2 monograms 1 diagram 8 nickles 2 paradigms 2 wharves 1 paradox 2000 mockingbirds 2 kilomockingbirds 10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles 10**12 microphones 1 megaphone 3 1/3 tridents 1 decadent 10**21 picolos 1 gigolo 1 milli-Helen = the amount of beauty required to launch 1 ship 1 whod unit = 1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel
*** The Respiratory Chain *** (tune: Battle Hymn of The Republic) My eyes have seen the glory of respiratory chain In every mitochondrium intrinsic to membranes Functionally organised in complex sub-domains Where electrons flow along (chorus) Glory, glory respiration Glory, glory respiration Glory, glory respiration Where electrons flow along (etc., etc.)
"Did you hear that i'm forming a hair metal band? i'm calling it 'gauss.' it's gonna be 10,000 times as big as 'tesla.'" Editorial note: This guy got it backwards... 1 Tesla = 10000 Gauss
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!!!!" The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
Q: What do you get when you cross Lee Iacoca with a vampire? A:An autoexec.bat
Mary Had A Little Lamb Oh, Mary had a little lamb, regarding whose cuticular The fluff exterior was white and kinked in each particular. On each occasion when the lass was seen perambulating, The little quadruped likewise was there a gallivating. One day id did accompany her to the knowledge dispensary, Which to every rule and precedent was recklessly contrary. Immediately whereupon the pedagogue superior Exasperated, did eject the lamb from the interior. Then Mary, on beholding such performance arbitrary, Suffused her eyes with saline drops from glands called lachrymary, And all the pupils grew thereat tumultuously hilarious, And speculated on the case with wild conjectures various. "What makes the lamb love Mary so?" the scholars asked the teacher. He paused a moment, then he tried to diagnose the creature. "Oh pecus amorem Mary habit omnia temporum." "Thanks teacher dear," the scholars cried, and awe crept darkly o'er 'em.
In Boulder, where often it snows, NIST/JILA staff got high from lows. A great celebration: at last! condensation according to Einstein and Bose! --Walter Leight
A mosquito was heard to complain, "A chemist is killing my brain. The cause of this sorrow Is para-dichloro di-phenyl-tri-chloro-ethane." (It could be considered funny, when told that the compound is DDT.)
"Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers." - Tom Lehrer
[Here is a limerick about I paper I submitted to "Physics Review E" entitled "Novel soliton solutions in Rowland ghost gaps:"] In a periodic grating structure, I claim Rowland ghosts should occur, They have wriggles and bumps, And travel over humps, But the reviewer has yet to concur. --Neil B.
A biology prof name of Caster Had a project she knew would outlast her, For it was most complex, Aimed at changing the sex Of drosophila melanogaster. --Don Homuth
"WARNING: Do not look into laser with remaining eye" --warning label at MIT's Junior Lab (contributed by Michael Boardman)
PhD | / \ | | \ / | PhD Paradox (ha ha ha)
An Indian chief was concerned because his wife was unable to bear children, so he went to the medicine man for help. The medicine man said "I can use a mathematical theorem to ensure that your wife will bear, not one child, but twins. But first I'll need a hippopotamus." "Why do you need a hippo?" "I'll tell you when your wife bears children. Trust me on this, chief." The chief shakes his head in bewilderment but nonetheless goes to the white man's zoo with the week's bingo proceeds and buys a hippo. When he gets back with the hippo, the medicine man tells him to 1) take two women of the tribe known to be pregnant and make them lie on either side of the hippo and 2) make his wife lie on the hippo's back. Shaking his head even more, the chief follows the medicine man's instructions. Nine months after this bizarre exercise, his wife gives birth to twins. "This is amazing!" the chief exclaims to the medicine man. "What on earth was the theorem?" "Elementary, Flaming Moose," the medicine man replies: "The squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two sides."
MURPHY'S LAWS THE PRIME AXIOM: In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will. 2. If the possibility exists of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong is the one that will do the most damage. 3. Everything will go wrong at one time. 3.1 That time is always when you least expect it. 4. If nothing can go wrong, something will. 5. Nothing is as easy as it looks. 6. Everything takes longer than you think. 7. Left to themselves, things always go from bad to worse. 8. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 9. Given the most inappropriate time for something to go wrong, that's when it will occur. 10. Mother Nature is a bitch. 10.1 The universe is not indifferent to intelligence, it is actively hostile to it. 11. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 12. If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 13. Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 14. If it doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer. 15. In an instrument or device characterized by a number of plus-or-minus errors, the total error will be the sum of all the errors adding in the same direction. 16. In any given calculation, the fault will never be placed if more than one person is involved. 16.1 In any given discovery, the credit will never be properly placed if more than one person is involved. 17. All warranty and guarantee clauses become invalid upon payment of the final invoice. GLASSER'S COROLLARY If, of the seven hours you spend at work, six hours and fifty-five minutes are spent working at your desk, and the rest of the time you throw the bull with your cubicle-mate, the time at which your supervisor will walk in and ask what you're doing can be determined to within five minutes. ZYMURGY'S SEVENTH EXCEPTION TO MURPHY'S LAWS When it rains, it pours. JENKINSON'S LAW It won't work. O'TOOLE'S COMMENTARY ON MURPHY'S LAWS Murphy was an optimist. As soon as you make something idiot-proof, along comes another idiot. - Grave's Law
Space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.
Question: What is this: NaCl(aq) NaCl(aq) C C C C C C C Answer: "Saline, saline, over the seven C's"
Math fact: Fibonacci is not a shortened form of the Italian name that is actually spelled: F i bb ooo nnnnn aaaaaaaa ccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccccc iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.
Question: How does Santa deliver presents all over the world on Christmas Eve so quickly? Answer: With Rudolf the red-shift reindeer.
A mathematician named Hall had a hexahedronical ball. The cube of its weight, times his pecker plus eight is his phonenumber. Give him a call! - (Brian Cohen) A lovely and lithe dominatrix Needed help organizing her day tricks She worked thru the night And solved her plight By setting them up in a matrix
A guy was walking by a swamp, when suddenly he hears a frog talking to him. Somewhat amazed by this odd occurence, he stopped, and listened to the articulate amphibian. "Oh sir," said the frog, "I am really a princess, trapped in this ugly little body. Won't you help me by kissing me to break the spell?" The guy smiled, picked the frog up, and put it into his pocket. A few minutes passed, and then the frog started wiggling around in his pocket. He took it out, and it again pleaded him to kiss it. "Not only will I be eternally grateful if you set me free from my enchantment, but I will spend an entire month with you as repayment for your help." To this, the guy only smiled, put the frog back into his pocket, and continued on his way. A few more minutes passed, and the frog began wiggling harder than ever. The guy took it out, and the little animal desperately begged to be kissed. "Not only will I be eternally grateful, and spend a month with you, but I will do ANYTHING you want me to." True to form, the guy only smiled and replaced the frog in his pocket. After another few minutes the frog wiggled, and was taken out of the pocket. Clearly puzzled over the guy's refusal to grant its wish, even after the numerous inducements it had offered, the frog spoke, "Look. Why do you refuse me, even after I have told you I will be eternally grateful, spend the month with you, and do anything you want?" The guy paused, and said, "Well, I'm a computer programmer, and I don't have time for a girlfriend or anything like that... but a talking frog is kind of cool." Question: How many kinds of physicists are there? Answer: Three. Those who can count and those who can't.
CH3- _ _ _ _ - CH3 / \/ \/ \/ \ | | | | | \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ / \ / \ / \ / \ | | | | | CH3- \ _/ \ _/ \ _/ \ _/- CH3 Tetramethylchickenwire From: (Dan Arico)
Fe - Fe / \ Fe Fe \ / Fe - Fe Ferous Wheel 4 | / \ | O |__4 \ / Metaphor MD I / \ | O | Metaphysicians \ /\ MD From: (Dan Arico)
Theorem: 16/64=1/4 Proof: Cancel the 6's. (try it! it works!)
o o o H3C-CH2-CH2-O-/|\/|\/|\ | | | / \/ \/ \ A propyl people ether! From: (Brian K. Dann) O-R-NMe2 | | / \ /\ / \/ \ From: (Bill Newcomb) I O a 1-I-1-ORN-flying-propyl people ether | (*stolen from A. Shusterman, with enhancements) --|-- | / \
This scientist is doing some theoretical research, real heavy stuff, eventually he starts to lose it and he begins running around, screaming to everyone "i'm going to integrate you and differentiate you, i'm going to integrate you and differentiate you". He does this long enough for some authorities to notice, and they decide to lock him up in a nuthouse. Well, it turns out that, in another part of the world, another theorist has begun to do the same thing. Out of pure coincidence this researcher gets sent to the *same* nuthouse. At this nuthouse, these two researchers continue on their mad rantings, and it is only a matter of time before they run into each other. One says: "i'm going to integrate you and differentiate you. i'm going to integrate you and differentiate you". The other researcher pulls open his shirt, a la superman, and screams "that's okay : I'm Continuous!"
"Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting." - Steven Wright
Question: What is one-trillionth of a surprise? Answer: A pico-boo.
A quantum mechanic's vacation Had his colleagues in dire consternation. For while studies had shown That his speed was well known, His position was pure speculation.
NEW MANDATORY WARNING LABELS: ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space. HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User. IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed. NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten-Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected. WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity. PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State. COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied. WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them. PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe. NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed. CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight. HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour. CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving. ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result. READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years. THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result. (From Volume 36, Number 1 of The Journal of Irreproducible Results. Copyright 1991 Blackwell Scientific Publications Inc.)
A mnemonic: How I need a drink, alcoholic of course, after the heavy chapters 3 1 4 1 5 9 2 6 5 3 5 8 involving quantum mechanics. 9 7 9
Big whirls have little whirls That feed on their velocity; And little whirls have lesser whirls, and so on to viscosity. - Lewis Fry Richardson
There was a young lady named Bright, Whose speed was far faster than light; She set out one day In a relative way, And returned home the previous night. - Arthur Henry Reginald Buller We've heard of that lady named Bright, And her trip on that fabulous night, But her increasing mass Would have soon proved so vast She'd have been a most *singular* sight!
"The reason that every major university maintains a department of mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize all those people." - Unknown
Twinkle, twinkle little star, I don't wonder what you are For I know by your spectrum You are mostly hydrogen
Q: How many BASIC programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: 10 push bulb upwards:twist bulb clockwise 20 goto 10
One and one make two, But if one and one should marry, Isn't it queer- Within a year There's two and one to carry.

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