QQQ Archives » Extras » Zen Computer Repair From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Zen-Master Greg: Bow down before the one you serve.

Customer: Um, excuse me?

Zen-Master Greg: You're going to get what you deserve.

Customer: Ah, hello?

Zen-Master Greg: Greetings child. Let me turn down the mantras. Now, what
is your request?

Customer: I have a problem.

Zen-Master Greg: This is so. But what do _you_ believe your problem is?

Customer: Well what do you think it is?

Zen-Master Greg: You are not ready for the knowledge.

Customer: Oh. Okay. My disk is stuck.

Zen-Master Greg: And?

Customer: What do you mean, "and".

Zen-Master Greg: I seek the completed statement. I wonder what the disk
has to do with me.

Customer: I want you to fix it.

Zen-Master Greg: Truly has it been said that one can't always get what one
wants. For lo, I have been perusing my job description and stuck disks are
in no way mentioned.

Customer: When's Pete going to be around?

Zen-Master Greg: But there is no need to trouble the great sage at this
time, for lo, I feel moved to help you. Let us seek the cause of this
sticking.

Customer: See, it's stuck.

Zen-Master Greg: "Stuck" is but a transient condition, having no meaning
for those in timeless existence. Yet I will fetch the official disk
extraction tool.

Customer: That's a paperclip.

Zen-Master Greg: Ah, you are right. I will fetch the tool.

Customer: Hey, that's still a paperclip.

Zen-Master Greg: Truly you know all.

Customer: Where are you going?

Zen-Master Greg: Every time I enter with the disk extraction tool, you are
moved to remark that it is a paperclip, and I look down and it has become so.
It is truly confusing. I go to listen to the mantras. Especially the one
entitled "Head Like A Hole".

Customer: Are you trying to be funny?

Zen-Master Greg: What is there to laugh at?

Customer: Well, all right. But what about my disk.

Zen-Master Greg: I shall take the disk extraction tool...

Customer: But that's a... oh.

Zen-Master Greg: and I shall extract the disk.

Customer: Nothing is happening.

Zen-Master Greg: Your wisdom is like vision from the corner of the eye. It
seems to exist, but disappears when examined.

Customer: So what are we going to do?

Zen-Master Greg: The situation calls for extreme philosophical measures.

(5 minutes pass)

Zen-Master Greg: Head like a hole, black as your soul, I'd rather die than
give you control!

Customer: What the hell are you doing? You're supposed to be helping me!

Zen-Master Greg: Have I not resorted to philosophy to do so?

Customer: What are you talking about?

Zen-Master Greg: Is the disk stuck in the drive?

Customer: Yes.

Zen-Master Greg: If the tree falls in the forest, and no one is in the
area, does it make a sound?

Customer: Yes.

Zen-Master Greg: I shall ask again. If the tree falls in the forest, and no
one is there to hear it, does it make a sound?

Customer: Um. No?

(The master reaches into his robe, thinks for a moment, then reluctantly
withdraws his hand)

Zen-Master Greg: If the tree falls in the forest, and no one hears it, then
does it make a sound?

Customer: I DON'T KNOW!

Zen-Master Greg: Correct on all counts. Without knowledge, the state of
affairs is indeterminate.

Customer: And like this has anything to do with my disk.

Zen-Master Greg: Can you see the disk?

Customer: No, it's in the other room.

Zen-Master Greg: How do you know? It may not be. I may have it in my hand.

Customer: Hey, that's a neat trick. Give it to me.

Zen-Master Greg: I don't actually have it, but while it is unobserved, I
might have. While it is not seen being stuck, it is not. And since the disk
is not stuck, there is no problem.

Customer: But I still don't have it.

Zen-Master Greg: Then the original question was faulty. And I have
laboured enough this day. Yet hark! Here comes the sage. Mayhap he will
soil his hands to help you.

Sage: There is a problem?

Customer: Yes!

Sage: I know all. Let us examine this problem.

(5 minutes pass)

Sage: I shall require a disk extraction tool.

(5 minutes pass)

Sage: Truly a vexing problem. I shall require my toolkit.

(10 minutes pass)

Sage: Truly a DEU problem. I shall require some mantras and a punching bag.

(5 minutes pass)

Sage: Here is your disk.

Customer: Thank you, O sage!

Zen-Master Greg: May I enquire as to the nature of the illusory problem,
O sage?

Sage: Yes my child. The problem was in the nature of the inserted disk. It
seems that the unlearned one had covered the high-density notch of the disk.

Zen-Master Greg: And the nature of this substance, which had presumably
become attached to the inside of the drive.

Sage: Duct tape, my child.

Zen-Master Greg: DUCT TAPE! THAT LUSER COVERED A DISK IN DUCT... I mean, the
unlearned one was so foolish as to tamper with susbstances beyond his power?

Sage: Yes my child.

Zen-Master Greg: What an idiot.

Sage: Truly it is so.

Customer: Well I'm going now. And I'm going to make a complaint. You
haven't been at all pleasant and you've deliberately set out to embarass
me.

Zen-Master Greg: May I borrow the punching bag, O sage?

Sage: It appears to have become broken, my child. I fear we shall have to
get more from storage.

Zen-Master Greg: It is well that we get them in bulk.

Sage: Truly, my child. Turn up the mantras.