From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories
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From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories |
V-Day 12-Step Program for non-daters Here's a quick guide to surviving Feb. 14 without ripping your hair out - or other people's hair, for that matter! 1.Wear black, and lots of it. 2.If someone else in the office has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional. 3.Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins. 4.Later in the day, eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and beat the crap out of the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway). 5.For the rest of the day, labor over the effect all that chocolate is gonna have on your waistline. 6.Return home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex. Feel guilty. Call the ex. Make up story about having a hot date. 7.Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping" or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day. 8.Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Head to bar. 9.Plot massive torture of anyone who shows up at the bar with a date. Slow torture if the couple is in anything above semi-formal dress. 10.Massive quantities of alcohol. Beergoggling. Wake up next to someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair. 11.Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good V-Day. 12.Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next V-Day.
Top 10 disqualifiers for consideration of relational status: 10. Uses "party" as a verb. 9. Knows all the words to "Why Don't We Get Drunk and Screw?" 8. Considers "Whooooo!" a valid form of expressing approval 7. Thinks "quark plasma" is a party drink 6. Hair mass > brain mass 5. Thinks "electron transfer" is a new dance step popularized by the New Kids on the Block 4. Thinks Dr. Spock has cute pointy ears 3. Has accepted more drinks than IQ, and still isn't drunk 2. Isn't expecting to go home tonight, but is hoping for a ride in the morning 1. Needs pronunciation guide to read the television listings
"Shower the people you love with love." --James Taylor "Shower with the people you love." --Anonymous
Lover's Quiz #1 =============== by David Asa Wacks with Hugh Cushing (Dave got paid a lot more, though) Hey guys & gals! Are you HARD UP? This simple quiz can let you know how hard you're going to have to work to get a Valentine. Score yourself as follows: 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, 3 points for each C, and 10 points for each D. 1. You are taking a guy/girl on a first date. How much are you willing to spend? A. Guest meal at campus dining services B. $5.00 for a few slices C. A nice Chinese dinner, maybe $25.00 tops D. The price of your physics textbook 2. Sitting on your dorm steps you spot a potential scoop. Your first course of action is to: A. Start up a lively, interesting conversation B. Use one of your favorite lines C. Propose a temporary marriage - say for the weekend D. Knock him/her over the head with your physics textbook and drag him/her back to your friend's single 3. Your definition of "blue balls" is: A. A solid and a stripe in billiards B. Those little styrofoam things on the inside of a beanbag C. A painful need for a cold shower D. Fig. 42, p. 189 demonstrating variable density in your physics textbook 4. If she says, "no" she means: A. No B. Probably not C. Yes D. She's gagged and can't answer 5. Attendance at campus dining services per 19-meal-a-week allotment A. 0-10 B. 11-14 C. 15-19 D. 38 - You steal your roomie's card 6. Average time spent on toilet seat/day: A. 2 min. B. 4 min. C. 6 min. D. Long enough to read a few pages of physics 7. Amount of time spent perusing the freshman face book/day A. 2-5 min. B. 5-7 min. C. 7-10 min. D. Fall asleep with it 8. Qualifications for your blind date: A. No imperfections B. No boy/girlfriend C. No particular desire to be seen with you D. No sarcoma 9. Typical topic of conversation on blind date: A. Sunsets B. Bork C. How he/she's doing D. Robotics 10. Typical conclusion to blind date: A. Bought a futon together B. Got phone number C. Lost him/her in crowd D. Temporary restraining order Results: 10-20 You're doin' OK, dude(tte). 21-40 Things could be better. 41-60 Better watch yourself at social functions. 61-100 There is a future for you in the physical sciences.
Suggested ways to get a wife (from the Bible): Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30) A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35) Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes (Esther 2:3-4) Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27) Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3) Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17) Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21) Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuteronomy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13) Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3) Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25) Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24) Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11) Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10) Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth) When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
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