QQQ Archives » Extras » Off-Color Humor. (You sicko!) From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held
her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face. Her pale lips
moved. "Jake," she said. "Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't
talk." But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have
to talk. I must confess." "There is nothing to confess," said the
weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right." "No, no. I
must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful
to you." Jake stroked her hand. "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know
all about it," he sobbed. "Why else would I poison you?"



Q: What did the little boy say when his mother scolded him for cutting his
Christmas present (a spotted hamster) neatly in two pieces with a cleaver?

A: "But, Mommy, you said that if I was good, I could halve him."



        The structure of the deuterium (heavy hydrogen) nucleus can be
described as "a proton married to two neutrons."
        Maybe that's why the cold fusion experiments only work in Utah.



A hard-bitten Maine farmer, attending a fair with his wife Bessie, 
was much taken with the open-cockpit airplane in which fair goers 
were being given rides for a fee. He had never been in an airplane 
and he was powerfully yearned to see what it was like. 
The five-dollar fee was, however, rather steep for him, and 
he began a course of hard bargaining to reduce it to two-fifty.

The pilot, in desperation, finally said, "I'll make a deal with 
you, I'll take you up for nothing, if you promise to keep your mouth 
shut. If you make a single sound, you'll have to pay the full five dollars."

"Done," said the farmer. "That includes Bessie, doesn't it?"

"Okay," said the pilot. "Your wife, too."

The farmer and his wife climbed into the plane and wedged 
 themselves into the cockpit well behind the pilot's seat, and 
the pilot took off. For a period of time, there was dead silence 
behind, which surprised the pilot who had counted on the 
splendid view eliciting cries of admiration and, therefore, his full fee.

Annoyed, the pilot banked suddenly and went into a series of 
loops and spins designed to force  cries of dismay out of the 
stoutest heart. Yet still there was absolute silence from the 
farmer and his wife.

Defeated, the pilot came back to earth. Helping the farmer out 
of the plane, he said, "I have to hand it to you. You sure kept 
your mouth shut."

"Yes," said the farmer, "and so did Bessie. Though for a 
minute there I thought she'd give a little scream when she fell out."



  A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan
  Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at
  the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag
  and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she
  wished to meet the president of Chase Manhattan Bank due to the large
  amount of money involved. The teller seemed to think that this was a
  reasonable request, and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles
  of $1000 bills which amounted to about $3 million, telephoned the
  banks president's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady.
 
  The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's
  office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to
  know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank
  president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.
  "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for
  a minute, trying to think where this little old lady could possibly
  have come into $3 million. "I bet," she said.
 
  "You bet?" repeated the bank president, "as in horses?" "No," she
  replied, "I bet on people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that
  she just bet different things with people. All of a sudden she said,
  "I'll bet you $25,000 that by tomorrow morning your balls will be
  square." The bank president figured that she must be off her rocker
  and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't see how he could
  lose. For the rest of the day the bank president was very careful. He
  decided to stay home that evening and take no chances -- there was
  $25,000 at stake.
 
  When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make
  sure that everything was OK. There was no difference, he looked the
  same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the little old
  lady to come in at 10:00, humming as he went. He knew that this would be
  a good day -- how often do you get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At
  10:00 sharp, the little old lady was shown into his office. With her
  was a younger man. When he inquired as to the man's purpose for being
  there, she informed him that he was her lawyer and that she always
  took him along whenever there was this much money involved. "Well,"
  she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this,"
  he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000
  richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be
  able to see for herself. The bank president thought that this was
  reasonable and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over
  then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. The
  bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer standing across the
  room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?", he
  inquired. "Oh him?", she replied. "I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00
  this morning I'd have the president of the Chase Manhattan bank by the
  balls!"



Three guys are sitting on the floor shooting up herion and sharing
the needle.

Another man enters and says, "Ya know that's a good way to get AIDS."
One of the three replies, "It's OK.  We're wearing condoms."



There was a dweeb who went to the hardware store and bought a 
leather tool belt and a lot of tools to go with it. Like any good tool belt,
 it weighed about 100 lbs when fully decked out.

The fella decided to take the belt out for a spin and was working 
out in his yard when all of a sudden the tool belt ended up around his 
ankles taking his pants with it. So here is our guy all of a sudden 
mooning the world bare-assed naked in his back yard.

All of a sudden there is a tremendous clap of thunder and a 
lightning bolt came down out of the heavens and carved a perfect 
5 on each cheek of his posterior. The fella was very excited, but 
not nearly as excited as his wife who decided that this was a sign 
from above and proceeded to put their life savings into lottery 
tickets betting on the number 55.

That evening the drawing was held and you can imagine their 
excitment when the first number drawn was a 5. Immediately 
thereafter the last two numbers came out...0...5. Winning number 505 

Not only is there a God--he has a sense of humor.



Teddy had a little bomb
He found it filled a need
Of blowing up all the people
With whom he disagreed

One day Teddy handled his bomb
Without the proper care
Now we are finding bits and pieces
Of Teddy everywhere.


               DR. SEUSS' LESSER-KNOWN BOOKS

1.  The Cat in the Blender
2.  Are You My Proctologist?
3.  Fox in Detox
4.  Who Shat in the Hat?
5.  Horton Feels a Ho
6.  The Lemon-Fresh Lorax
7.  How the Grinch Stole Columbus Day
8.  Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
9.  Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
10.  One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
11.  Marvin K. Mooney, Get the Fuck Out!
12.  Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
13.  The Bitch Set Me Up
14.  I've Fallen---And I Can't Get Up!
15.  Yentl the Lentil
16.  My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
17.  Aunts in My Pants
18.  Hop On Mom
19.  Oh, the Place You'll Scratch and Sniff!
20.  Horton Fakes an Orgasm
21.  The Grinch's Ten Inches



What do you call a dog without legs?  
Anything you want to, he still won't come when you call.



Q:What do you do with a dog that has no legs?
A:Take it for a drag.



Q: Did you hear about OJ's new job?

A: He is working at Chick-Fil-A.



Q: If H2O is what you find inside a fire hydrant, what do you find outside?
A: K9P.



Q: Did you hear about the new John Wayne toilet paper?
A: It's rough. It's tough, and it doesn't take any crap from anybody!



What did the Catholic Church call its new fat-free, low-calorie
communion wafer?

"I can't believe it's not Jesus!"



Q: Why did the board of education recommended posthumously
        taking away McAuliffe's teaching certificate?
A: She set a bad example by blowing up in front of her students.



Q: Did you know that NASA has a new space drink?
A: Sprite - It was their second choice because they couldn't get 7-Up.



How do you make a baby float?
Two cups of root beer and a scoop of baby.



Q:      Did you hear about the Indian who drank four gallons
                of tea before going to bed?

A:      He was found dead the next morning in his teepee.



Q:      Have you heard about the new Kurt Cobain beer?
A:      Very bitter.  No head.



A freshman ran to the dorm mother's room crying that she had been 
raped by a man who broke into her room thru the window. The gentle 
dorm mother trying to calm her down and decide what to do next 
finally said, "We'll report this right away to the police, but first 
I have to go to the kitchen to get you a lemon." The girl, surprised, 
asked what the lemon was for. The dorm mother said, "Well, we 
have to wipe the smile off your face, don't we?"



        "I met a guy once that told me he used to be into necrophilia,
beastiality and bondage...but then he realized that he was beating a
dead horse."