QQQ Archives » Extras » The "Taco Hell" Story From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

                   Taco Hell and the $2 Bill

                            by Peter Leppik


The following is a *true* story. It amused the hell out of me while it  was
happening. I hope it isn't one of those "had to be there" things.

On my way home from the second job I've taken for the extra holiday ca$h  I
need, I stopped at Taco Bell for a quick bite to eat. In my billfold  is a $50
bill and a $2 bill. That is all of the cash I have on my  person. I figure that
with a $2 bill, I can get something to eat and not  have to worry about people
getting pissed at me.

       ME: "Hi, I'd like one seven layer burrito please, to go."
       IT: "Is that it?"
       ME: "Yep."
       IT: "That'll be $1.04, eat here?"
       ME: "No, it's *to* *go*." [I hate effort duplication.]

At his point I open my billfold and hand him the $2 bill. He looks at it kind
of funny and says

       IT: "Uh, hang on a sec, I'll be right back."

He goes to talk to his manager, who is still within earshot. The following
conversation occurs between the two of them.

       IT: "Hey, you ever see a $2 bill?"
       MG: "No. A what?"
       IT: "A $2 bill. This guy just gave it to me."
       MG: "Ask for something else, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A $2 BILL."
       IT: "Yeah, thought so."

He comes back to me and says

       IT: "We don't take these. Do you have anything else?"
       ME: "Just this fifty. You don't take $2 bills? Why?"
       IT: "I don't know."
       ME: "See here where it says legal tender?"
       IT: "Yeah."
       ME: "So, shouldn't you take it?"
       IT: "Well, hang on a sec."

He goes back to his manager who is watching me like I'm going to shoplift, and

       IT: "He says I have to take it."
       MG: "Doesn't he have anything else?"
       IT: "Yeah, a fifty. I'll get it and you can open the safe and get
            change."
       MG: "I'M NOT OPENING THE SAFE WITH HIM IN HERE." [my emphasis]
       IT: "What should I do?"
       MG: "Tell him to come back later when he has REAL money."
       IT: "I can't tell him that, you tell him."
       MG: "Just tell him."
       IT: "No way, this is weird, I'm going in back."

The manager approaches me and says

       MG: "Sorry, we don't take big bills this time of night." [it was 8pm
            and this particular Taco Bell is in a well lighted indoor mall
            with 100 other stores.]
       ME: "Well, here's a two."
       MG: "We don't take *those* either."
       ME: "Why the hell not?"
       MG: "I think you *know* why."
       ME: "No really, tell me, why?"
       MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
       ME: "Excuse me?"
       MG: "Please leave before I call mall security."
       ME: "What the hell for?"
       MG: "Please, sir."
       ME: "Uh, go ahead, call them."
       MG: "Would you please just leave?"
       ME: "No."
       MG: "Fine, have it your way then."
       ME: "No, that's Burger King, isn't it?"

At this point he BACKS away from me and calls mall security on the phone
around the corner. I have two people STARING at me from the dining area, and  I
begin laughing out loud, just for effect. A few minutes later this 45 year
oldish guy comes in and says [at the other end of counter, in a whisper]

       SG: "Yeah, Mike, what's up?"
       MG: "This guy is trying to give me some [pause] funny money."
       SG: "Really? What?"
       MG: "Get this, a *two* dollar bill."
       SG: "Why would a guy fake a $2 bill?" [incredulous]
       MG: "I don't know? He's kinda weird. Says the only other thing he has
       is a fifty."
       SG: "So, the fifty's fake?"
       MG: "NO, the $2 is."
       SG: "Why would he fake a $2 bill?"
       MG: "I don't know. Can you talk to him, and get him out of here?"
       SG: "Yeah..."

Security guard walks over to me and says

       SG: "Mike here tells me you have some fake bills you're trying to
       use."
       ME: "Uh, no."
       SG: "Lemme see 'em."
       ME: "Why?"
       SG: "Do you want me to get the cops in here?"

At this point I was ready to say, "SURE, PLEASE," but I wanted to eat, so I
said

       ME: "I'm just trying to buy a burrito and pay for it with this $2
       bill."

       I put the bill up near his face, and he flinches like I was taking a
       swing at him.  He takes the bill, turns it over a few times in his
       hands, and says

       SG: "Mike, what's wrong with this bill?"
       MG: "It's fake."
       SG: "It doesn't look fake to me."
       MG: "But it's a **$2** bill."
       SG: "Yeah?"
       MG: "Well, there's no such thing, is there?"

The security guard and I both looked at him like he was an idiot, and it dawned
on the guy that he had no clue.

My burrito was free and he threw in a small drink and those cinnamon  things,
too. Makes me want to get a whole stack of $2 bills just to see  what happens
when I try to buy stuff. If I got the right group of  people, I could probably
end up in jail. At least you get free food.