QQQ Archives » Extras » The Famous Enterprise / Road Runner Story From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

 The Famous Enterprise / Road Runner Story

...Let us suppose that the Enterprise is doing some sort of research mission
to an unknown planet. I think the Captain's Log would be worth a look:

Captain's Log, Stardate 54324.5: Starfleet Command has directed the
Enterprise to do a preliminary exploration of planet --- in advance of a
full research team. Scanners report the atmosphere to be breathable, but are
receiving confusing readings with regard to life forms. I am beaming down
with a landing party composed of all our chief officers except for poor
Scotty.

Supplement: Redshirt Riley has received a head injury, apparently while
exploring under a high rock shelf. He reports only hearing a loud sound and
jumping before being struck. After examination by Dr. McCoy he has been
judged capable of continuing duty.

Supplement: We have encountered an alien creature on this planet. While it
does not itself seem menacing, a unfortunate occurrence took place when it
was present. Specifically, on my orders Lt. Sulu withdrew his phaser. The
creature disappeared leaving a puff of smoke, immediately following which a
loud noise was heard next to Sulu. Sulu fired, hitting Ens. Chekov. Oddly
enough, although Sulu's weapon was set to stun, Chekov was also covered with
a black powder similar to soot. Mr. Chekov has been sent back to the ship
for examination and quarantine.

Stardate 54326.2, Mr. Spock reporting: Tricorder readings indicate that the
creature we encountered earlier is constantly moving at great speed over the
surface of the planet. We have encountered the creature once again. In an
attempt to slow the creature for study, I attempted to fire on it. The
creature, however, appeared to move faster than the phaser beam.
Regretfully, the beam struck an outcropping of rock above the Captain's
head, causing it to break off and fall. Although it appears that several
tons of rock fell squarely on the Captain, he was driven straight into the
ground but apparently not seriously injured, though stunned. The Captain has
been beamed up to Sickbay, leaving me in command of the research party.

Captain's Log, Stardate 54342.1: The creature is still at large on the
planet's surface. While Mr. Spock continues to lead a research party I am
currently at work with Mr. Scott on an Acme Pressure Cooker for our lab, for
when the creature is finally apprehended.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.3. The strange occurences that have dogged the
landing party since our arrival at this planet have led me to believe that
the creature is in some way directly responsible for them. Mr. Chekov and I
have both been declared fit for return to duty, though Dr. McCoy has entered
in his medical log that he feels we should be kept under observation. Mr.
Spock has constructed a device which he suspects should be able to
counteract the creature's incredible speed as follows: We have placed a dish
of birdseed out in the open, with several signs pointing to it. The dish is
atop a cleverly concealed trap door, which will open when any weight falls
on it. The creature will then travel a slide, eventually being deposited in
a cage constructed of sheets of transparent aluminum. We will then be free
to analyze it at our leisure. Meanwhile, I have forbidden all beaming down
to the surface of the planet except on my or Mr. Spock's direct order.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The plan failed. The creature was indeed lured
by the birdseed, as expected. It sped to the dish, consumed the bait, and
sped off without setting off the trap. Mr. Spock is as puzzled as I, and has
begun tests to discover the flaw in the design. I have sent out three search
parties to see if we can box the creature in, one headed by Mr. Sulu, one by
Mr. Chekov, and one by Sociologist Xontel.

Captain's Log, stardate 54342.8. Sociologist Xontel has been temporarily
incapacitated. In pursuing the creature, he and his men somehow managed to
cross the place where Mr. Spock's trap was set just as he completed the
corrections to it. The trap was sprung, and all four of my men were
suspended for a moment in mid-air, puzzled, just before they fell into the
cage we constructed. We are now trying to release them with phasers, as the
lock was inadvertently smashed by the impact from Sociologist Xontel's foot
as he fell. I consider this a major setback. Mr. Spock considers it
"fascinating."

Captain's Log, stardate 54343.4. In an all-out attempt to stop the creature
once and for all, I have had a phaser rifle beamed down from the Enterprise.
The creature has behaved in an extremely cunning manner, yet I am unsure
whether this is a sign of actual intelligence. Lt. Uhura has been
unsuccessful in her attempts to raise Starfleet Command. Meanwhile, Mr.
Scott informs me that our dilithium crystals are deteriorating at an
alarming rate. He has juryrigged a system that will prevent the decay for a
time, but it is imperative that we find new crystals soon.

Captain's Log, supplemental. Mr. Sulu reports high energy tricorder readings
>from an area of the planet in which the creature has not yet been sighted.
He has taken a small party, including Mr. Spock, to the high-elevation spot
>from which the readings emanate. I have begun to analyze the creature's
movements. It seems to travel consistently over a set path. Perhaps we can
corner it in a tunnel it seems to pass through frequently.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.7. Mr. Sulu has located a cache of ACME
dilithium crystals atop a high cliff. Regretfully, while collecting them,
the edge of the cliff broke off, and he and Mr. Spock plummetted several
hundred feet to the ground below. Strangely enough, they both survived the
fall with no more than raising a cloud of dust on impact, although they did
pass the chunk of rock on the way down and end up completely buried. A
rescue excavation has commenced, and they should be safe shortly.

Captain's Log, stardate 54344.9. Mr. Spock has beamed up to the ship with
them to assist Mr. Scott in their installation, as he forsees compatability
problems. Back on the planet's surface, Mr. Chekov led seven men into the
tunnel in an attempt to capture the creature in transit. A loud BEEP, BEEP
was heard, and Chekov aimed the phaser rifle and commanded his men to spread
out. I wish to state for the record that I would have acted similarly, and
that Ensign Chekov should in no way be held responsible for the unfortunate
circumstances arising from the unexpected appearance of an old Earth-style
freight train. He has been beamed back up to the ship with minor injuries.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.1. Dr. McCoy has beamed down with a hypo
containing a mixture of kyranide, tri-ox compound, Scalosian concentrate, a
theragram derivative, and some other items he found in unmarked containers
in Sickbay. By injecting a small amount into each member of the landing
party, I hope to be able to deal with the creature on its own high speed
terms.

Captain's Log, supplemental. The latest experiment to deal with the strange
creature has failed. As Dr. McCoy was injecting a measured dose of the
compound, it abruptly appeared behind him and uttered a loud BEEP, BEEP! Dr.
McCoy, understandably flustered, accidentally pressured in the entire
contents of the hypo into his arm. A full security team is in pursuit of
him, waiting for the effects of the drug to wear off.

Captain's Log, stardate 54345.2. I have ordered the landing party
transported back to the ship. The new dilithium crystals have been
successfully installed. On my responsibility, the ship is preparing to
engage main phasers to attack the creature, which continues on its
semi-erratic course across the planet's surface.

Captain's Log, supplemental. This is a warning to all other starships that
may pass this way. Do not approach this planet! The illogical events
occuring here are too much to overcome with simple science. If you have
heard the events transcribed in the rest of this log, you will learn that
this creature is nearly undefeatable. We channelled full ship's power
through the phaser banks. Theoretically, the creature should have been
destroyed; however, the energies were too much strain for the ACME crystals.
The full force of the phasers backlashed over the Enterprise, engulfing her
completely. At first, the only noticeable effect was a complete failure of
all systems save emergency gravity and life support. Then a web of black
lines spread through the Enterprise's superstructure. Next, the ship began
breaking up, piece by piece, falling through the atmosphere to land on the
surface of the planet. When the ship had collapsed entirely, my crew was
left hanging in space for a short time, and finally each of us began to fall
to the planet below. We have no theories on how any of us survived, but
every crewmember has reported nothing more than a sense of uneasiness,
followed by the realization that they were several hundred miles up in the
air, a sinking sensation, and then a gradual drop: first the feet, then the
body, and finally the head, usually wearing a resigned expression of
perplexion. We are attempting now to communicate with the creature in the
hopes that it will prove intelligent. Perhaps we can communicate our
peaceful intentions to it. Mr. Spock has constructed a crude rocket launcher
>from the wreckage of the ship, and with this we hope to send the recorder
marker up into space, where hopefully someone will find it. Captain James T.
Kirk, of the United Federation of Planets, Captain of the Starship
Enterprise, recording.



[By David Wald, unless somebody else steps forward ]