QQQ Archives » Extras » Computer Salesperson jokes... From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

3 gentlemen on a fishing expedition - a biologist, a
pastor, and a computer salesman. Well, just like Gilligan's Island, a
mighty storm arose from nowhere and tossed the tiny ship about, finally
carrying it to its resting place atop a coral reef about 1/2 mile offshore
of an uncharted desert isle.

Anyway, the 3 men awoke from unconsciousness on the whitewashed sands of
the beach. Realizing they had to get the emergency gear from the wrecked
boat if they were to survive, they were faced with a serious problem. In
between the beach and the reef,  dozens, no, hundreds of dorsal fins could
be seen knifing through the otherwise placid waters.  Who would swim to the
boat?

"I probably shouldn't go." said the biologist. "I'm the only one here with
anything resembling medical knowledge - if someone is attacked, I'll likely
be the only one who could save him."

"Well, I shouldn't go either." said the pastor. "I feel I would be much
better off here on shore, praying for the safe delivery of whomever does
go."

The computer salesman said "No problem. I'll go." And with that, he
stripped to his jockeys and plunged into the crystal-blue sea. As he swam
to the boat, the sharks  never approached him - in fact it appear they
created a marine boulevard just for the swimmer.

The salesman reached the reef and the wreck, and shortly returned from
below decks with a great deal of emergency gear which he proceeded to load
into the self-inflating raft he had already erected.

He climbed in and began to paddle the craft back to shore. Unfortunately, a
rising breeze and the outgoing tide conspired against him, and despite his
best efforts, it appeared he would be washed out to sea. The pastor sunk to
his knees and began to pray for all he was worth. The biologist, however,
could do nothing. He resigned himself to his fate. Suddenly, he looked up
and realized the raft was again coming closer! Could his mind be playing
tricks on him? He checked again. Yes, indeed, it was coming closer still.

Soon the men could see that a large number of sharks had fallen in behind
the raft, and were actually pushing it in toward shore. Once beached and
the salesman safely unloaded, the three began an excited discussion in an
attempt to explain this unusual and highly fortunate phenomenon.

The pastor said "I now have the proof I have been seeking all my life!
There is a God! My prayers were answered!"

The biologist scoffed and replied "I can't buy into your theory, but I am
willing to bet there is a scientific explanation to all of this."

The salesman replied "No big deal, actually. Just professional courtesy."



                      High Tech Computer Sales Jargon


   NEW - Different color from previous design
   ALL NEW - Parts not interchangable with previous design
   EXCLUSIVE - Imported product
   UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition
   DESIGNED SIMPLICITY - Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone
   FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments
   ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it
   IT'S HERE AT LAST! - Rush job; Nobody knew it was coming
   FIELD-TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment
   HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit
   DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had big argument with distributor
   YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one that works
   REVOLUTIONARY - It's different from our competitiors
   BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a way to sell it
   FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does
   DISTINCTIVE - A different shape and color than the others
   MAINTENANCE-FREE - Impossible to fix
   RE-DESIGNED - Previous faults corrected, we hope...
   HAND-CRAFTED - Assembly machines operated without gloves on
   PERFORMANCE PROVEN - Will operate through the warranty period
   MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours
   ALL SOLID-STATE - Heavy as Hell!
   BROADCAST QUALITY - Gives a picture and produces noise
   HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it
   SMPTE BUS COMPATABILE - When completed, will be shipped by Greyhound
   NEW GENERATION - Old design failed, mabey this one will work
   MIL-SPEC COMPONENTS - We got a good deal at a government auction
   CUSTOMER SERVICE ACROSS THE COUNTRY - You can return it from most
   airports
   UNPRECEDENTED PERFORMANCE - Nothing we ever had before worked THIS
   way
   BUILT TO PRECISION TOLERANCES - We finally got it to fit together
   SATISFACTION GUARANTEED - Manufacturer's, upon cashing your check
   MICROPROCESSOR CONTROLLED - Does things we can't explain
   LATEST AREOSPACE TECHNOLOGY - One of our techs was laid off by Boeing