QQQ Archives » Extras » The QQQ Dictionary of Practical Things From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

        (These have been attributed where possible. If you have anything to
add or correct, please E-mail it to me.)


Abstainer, n.: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
        a pleasure.     (-- Ambrose Bierce)
Accidue, n.: The bits of chrome and glass that are left for months at the
           scene of an accident after said accident
Accomomamidation, n.: The disrcreet manner of adjusting a fallen bra strap
Aftermath:  The horrible headache you have when you've finished the algebra
        test.           (-- Tom Batiuk)
Amoebit, n.:  Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply and divide at the same time.

Ashtraction, n.: The point in time at which you stop listening to what
        someone is saying and start wondering when the ash on the end of their
        cigarette is going to fall off into their lap.
Automobile, n.: A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.
Bachelor, n.:  A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.
BACHELOR OF SCIENCE...one who has mastered the science of remaining a
                      bachelor.
Banectomy:  The removal of bruises on a banana.         (-- Rich Hall)
Behaviorism: the art of pulling habits out of rats.     (-- O'Neill)
Biblioder, n.: The distinct smell of new books
Bigotry: I'm not going to tell someone like you.
Bitchenaid: It's like, totally, the best dishwasher ever, dude!
Boy, n.:  A noise with dirt on it.
Brain, n.:  The apparatus with which we think that we think.(-- Bierce)
Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
Bugs, pl. n.: Small living things that small living boys throw on small
        living girls.
Bureaucrat, n.: A person who cuts red tape sideways.
Borgasm: The ecstacy of being assimilated.
Brownian motion :   A Girl Scout's track team.
Cabinicreep:  When closing one kitchen cabinet causes another to open.
Canada: 51 weeks winter, one week hockeyless summer.
California: From Cal-, meaning heat as in 'Calorie' and Forn-, meaning sex,
        as in 'fornicate.' Hence, 'the land of hot sex.'
CARPERPETUATION (kar' pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running
over a string or a peice of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and
picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one
more chance.
Centipede, n. pl.: 10 millipedes.
Choconiverous:  Biting off the head of the chocolate Easter bunny first.
Cinemuck:  Popcorn, soda, and candy that covers the floors of movie theaters.
Circle:  A line that meets its other end without ending.
Circular Reasoning: See reasoning, circular.    (--Science Made Stupid)
CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.
Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
College:  The fountain of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink.
Committee:  The unwilling, selected from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.
Computer, n.: a device used to speed and automate errors.
Copulation: sex between consenting police officers
Criminal Lawyer: a redundancy.
Cynical: Experienced.
Death rate:  One per person.
Data Compression, n.: What you get when you squish an android.
Diplomacy:1.  Saying "go to hell" such that they look forward to the trip.
Diplomacy:2.  The art of saying 'Nice Doggie,' until you can find a rock.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on
the floor by blowing on it, somehow assuming this will 'remove' all the germs.
Dyslexia: Beeing Sackwards
Egotism:  Doing a crossword puzzle with a pen.
Elbonics, n.:  Two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.
ECNALUBMA (ek na lub' ma) n. A rescue vehicle which can only be seen in the
rearview mirror.
EIFFELITES (eye' ful eyetz)n. Gangly people sitting in front of you at the
movies who, no matter what direction you lean in, follow suit.
ELECELLERATION (el a cel er ay' shun) n. The mistaken notion that the more you
press an elevator button the faster it will arrive.
EPITAPH, n.: a postponed compliment.
Etymology, n.:  From the Latin "etus," meaning "eaten," the root "mal,"
        meaning "bad," and "logy," meaning "study of."  It means "the study of
        things that are hard to swallow."       (--Mike Kellen)
Expert:  One who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
Fact: 3 out of 5 people aren't the other 2.
Fairy Tale, n.: A horror story to prepare children for newspapers.
Fashion:  A form of ugliness so intolerable that it changes every six months.
FDIC: Dan Quayle's grades in his first year in law school.
Fenderberg: Deposit on the inside of a car fender after a snowstorm.
Flopcorn:  The unpopped kernels at the bottom of the cooker.
Flying saucer, n.: result when a nudist spills his/her coffee.
Freudian slip, n: when you say one thing but mean your mother.
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up to
        the roof and gets stuck.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the
dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until she finally decides
to give up and sweep it under the rug.
Genderplex: Trying to determine from the cutesy pictures which restroom to use.
Genetics:  Why you look like your father, or if you don't, why you should.
Gentleman:  A man who knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.
Grasshoppotamus, n.:  A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once.
Hair Club for Men, the, n.: An anti-theft device for toupees.
Hangover, n.: the wrath of grapes.
Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Hex dump:  Where witches put used curses.
Honeymoon:  A short period of doting between dating and debting.(-- Ray Bandy)
Hummingbird, n.: Bird which never remember the words to songs.
IBM, acronym.: [Top ten meanings that QQQ has come up with:]
        10. Idiots Become Managers
        9. Insolence Breeds Mediocrity
        8. It's Been Malfunctioning
        7. Incredibly Big Monopoly
        6. Indentured By Microsoft
        5. Incompatible Blue Machines
        4. It Became Macintosh
        3. Inefficient But Marketable
        2. Intercourse Beats Masturbation
        1. Industry's Biggest Mistake
Iconoclast, n.: person who hates the Macintosh OS.
Ignorance: I don't know.
IMMIGRATION.......the sincerest form of flattery.
I/O Bus: Seven Dwarfs' Transportation
Jury:  Twelve men and women trying to decide which party has the best lawyer.
KODACLONE, n.: a brand of duplicating film.
Krogt:  The metallic silver coating found on scratch-and-win tickets.
Lactomangulation:  Abusing the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 
that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
Laundry: A business that always has clothes competition.
Life, n.: a fatal, sexually transmitted disease.
LISP, 1. v.: To call a spade a thpade.
LISP, 2. n: A computer language utheful for making lithts.
Lottery, n.: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love, 1. n.:  The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your
        neurotic needs.
Love, 2. n.: Something unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes
Lunatic Asylum, n.:  The place where optimism most flourishes.
MAGAZINE..........bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in
                  the next issue.
Maggit, n.:  A subscription card that falls from a magazine.
Magnocartic:  An automobile that when left unattended attracts shopping carts.
Majority:  That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
MAN...............a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his
                  back.
Masturbation: Your father can handle that definition.
Mathematician, n.: A device for turning coffee into theorems   (-- P. Erdos)
Meouch, n.: That bit of skin on the back of a cat's neck by which no one
thinks it hurts them to pick them up, but it does
Millihelen:  The amount of physical beauty required to launch one ship.
Mistress: What lies between a mister and a mattress.
MOP AND GLOW : Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.
Movie, n.:.television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits.
Nudists, 1. n. pl.:  people who wear one-button suits.
Nudists, 2. n. pl.:  people who believe that Iif God had meant for us to
        be naked, we would have been born that way.
Off-color comedian:  an obscene jester
O.J.: What jay leno's wife shouts out when they are having sex.
Paradox, 1. n. pl.: Two wharves.
Paradox, 2. n. pl.: Two people who disagree on a prescription.
PEOPLE............some make things happen, some watch things happen, and
                  the majority has no idea what's happened.
PEPPIER (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose
seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
PESSIMIST.........man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his
                  pay envelope.
PETONIC (peh ton' ik) adj. One who is embarrassed to undress in front of a
household pet.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and
forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PIONEER...........early American who was lucky enough to find his way
                  out of the woods.
Politics: n. from Greek; "poli"-many; "tics"-ugly, bloodsucking parasites.
Proctologist:  A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
PUPKUS (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its
nose to it.
Quality Control, n.:  The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units
        coming off a production line to make sure that at least one out of
        100 works.
QUARKBAR : A colorful confection with flavour and charm.
Quorum, n: The requirement for a Congressional meeting to take place.  From
        Latin quo: "where is (the)" and rum: "alcoholic beverage"
Ram Disk, v:  not an installation procedure.
Redundant, adj.: 1. redundant.  2. overly redundant
Reasoning, Circular: See circular reasoning.    (--Science Made Stupid)
SALESMAN..........man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in
                  mink.
Singles bar, n.: the gadget that keeps the one-dollar bills from flying out
        of a cash register drawer.
Smoking: One of the leading causes of statistics.  (-- Fletcher Knebel)
Snackmosphere, n.:  The 95% air inside bags of potato chips.
Snacktrek, n.: The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of
        constantly returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something
        new will have materialized.  (-- Rich Hall)
Spice, n. pl.: Plural of Spouse.
Subordinate clauses : santa's little helpers.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)  n. The act of always letting the
phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six
inches away.
Television, n.: Movie where people don't step on your feet.
Toe, n.:  A part of the foot used to find furniture in the dark. (-- Rilla May)
Topologist, n: A man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup
        and a donut.
Traffic Light, n.: Apparatus that automatically turns red when your car approaches.
TRANSIT COMPANY...group that complains of bad business when all
                  passengers get a seat.
Trapezoid, n.: A device for catching zoids.
Vampiler, n.: a compiler that really sucks.
Volcano, n:  A mountain with hiccups.
Windows, n.: Just another pane in the glass.
WOMAN.............creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like
                  you, or mean, because she does.
Yo-yo, n.:  Something occasionally up but normally down. see also "computer."