QQQ Archives » Extras » Newt vs. the Giraffe From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Real Life Thoughts from Newt:

"If combat means living in a ditch, females have biological problems
staying in a ditch for thirty days because they get infections and they
don't have upper body strength. I mean, some do, but they're relatively
rare. On the other hand, men are basically little piglets, you drop them
in the ditch, they roll around in it, doesn't matter, you know. These
things are very real.  On the other hand, if combat means being on an
Aegis-class cruiser managing the computer controls for twelve ships and
their rockets, a female may be again dramatically better than a male who
gets very, very frustrated sitting in a chair all the time because males
are biologically driven to go out and hunt giraffes."

                        -- Adjunct Professor Newt Gingrich
                          Reinhardt College
                           January 7, 1995,
                           "Renewing American Civilization."

The following is a letter making Internet e-mail rounds to Rep. Newt
Gingrich from Fresno Bee reporter John Scalzi. It includes an informal
poll Scalzi conducted on Newt's remarks about -- and astonishing mis-
understanding of typical male behavior.


Dear Mr. Gingrich:

My name is John Scalzi, and I am a columnist for the Fresno Bee in
Fresno, California. In the days since the unearthing of your comments
about men, women, combat, and the biological drive for men to hunt
giraffes, I have taken it upon myself to conduct a poll to see
whetherthat innate giraffe-hunting urge (and the little piglet wallowing
urge) is in fact alive and well in the average American male.

While the sample polled is statistically small (50 men, basically
whomever was handy at the time) and largely comprised of white,
college-educated, gainfully employed males, I nevertheless feel that
the information gleaned from this poll will be of some value to
someone, some where, some time.  Perhaps to you yourself, should the
subject of instinctual giraffe slaughtering come up again. Certainly
for me, as it takes up the bulk of my column, to be published soon.
Thank you for your time, and happy hunting and/or wallowing, whichever
the case may be.

 1. Have you ever hunted a giraffe?
     Yes: 0%
      No: 100%

 2. Have you ever had the urge to hunt a giraffe?
     Yes:4%
      No: 96%

 3. Provided the right tools and the time, would you hunt a giraffe?
     Yes: 8%
      No: 92%

 4. If not a giraffe, would you hunt another African savannah animal?
     Yes: 20%
      No: 80%

 5. If you had to hunt an African savannah animal, which of the
   following would you choose?
      a) Zebra: 2%
      b) Rhino: 6%
      c) Meerkat: 12%
      d) Boar: 42%
      e) Any creature that appeared in "The Lion King": 36%
 6. Do you think giraffe would taste like chicken?
     Yes: 38%
      No: 62%

 7. Might it not make more sense not to hunt giraffe, but rather to
   set up giraffe ranches?
      Yes: 92%
      No: 8%

 8. When you see Geoffrey, the Toys 'R' Us giraffe, do you ever get
   the urge to stick him with a spear?
      Yes: 40%
      No: 60%

 9. Do you expect that Newt Gingrich has ever had the urge to hunt
   a giraffe?
      Yes: 74%
      No: 26%

 10. If Newt Gingrich were to hunt a giraffe, would he use tools,
    or simply his own mouth?
      Tools: 48%
      Mouth: 52%

 11. Would you rather hunt a giraffe, or wallow in a ditch like a
    little piglet?
      Hunt: 30%
      Wallow: 70%

 12. Would you generally describe yourself as a little piglet?
     Yes: 22%
      No: 78%

 13. Would you describe Newt Gingrich as a little piglet?
     Yes: 54%
      No: 46%

 14. If you could, would you hunt Newt Gingrich?
     Yes: 58%
      No: 42%

 15. Would Newt Gingrich taste like chicken?
     Yes: 18%
      No: 82%