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YOU KNOW YOU ARE ADDICTED TO THE INTERNET WHEN: * You kiss your girlfriend's home page. * Your bookmark takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom. * Your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them. * You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search. * You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines. * You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop. * You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment. * All your daydreaming is preoccupied with getting a faster connection to the net: 33.6...ISDN...cable modem...T1...T3. * And even your night dreams are in HTML. * You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com * Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, even though you've never had heart problems before. * You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can hear if new e-mail arrives. * Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. * All of your friends have an @ in their names. * When looking at a page full of someone else's links, you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. * Your dog has its own home page. * You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. * You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again. * You refer to your age as 3.x. * Your wife says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat. * As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" or undo button.
These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody." In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment. The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new, internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include: ooo hugs xxx kisses OOO big hugs XXX big kisses oo hugs for everybody but you OO! big, excited hugs CCC hugs for people you can't quite reach around OOQ hugging with tongue xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling zzz snoring yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring H handshake kkk alternate form of "handshakes for all" KKK white robes for all AAA talk-show not-really kissing [X] kissing in the closet XYZZY a kiss that moves you MMM same as WWW, but from inversion boots LLL armwrestles for all OOO~~~ big hugs and large caterpillars for all ))) smiles for all TTT trees for all jjj gooses for all JJJ big gooses for all OOOXXXYYYZZZ this is illegal before marriage in nine states OOOXXXyZZZZZ still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for assembly-language programmers.
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