||QQQ Archives » Extras » Answering Machine Messages|
"Thank you for calling the American Association Against
Alliteration Abuse Among Asian Adults, Adolescents, and Assholes. We're not
in right now, but all anonymous afternoon assistance is always available
to help you always avoid alliteration. "
"hi, i'm travelling through time at the moment, but if you leave a
message, i'll have already gotten back to you...BEEEEP!"
"Hi, I have been kidnapped by Martians and they won't return me
until next Tuesday, so leave a message."
"Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am
pimento loaf, leave me a message."
"This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I
get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift
key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your
message, or I might ignore it."
"Hello, this is Bruce. I don't live here, so if you were trying to
call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were
trying to call Erin or Carolyn, please leave your name and number at the
tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I
"Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our
operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a
contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your
bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you
shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back
from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest
product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you
again, and have a nice day."
(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents)
"Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as
he's quite tied up." (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard
through a gag.) "I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and
number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking
of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor..."
"This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message."
"Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I
must have dialed the wrong number."
"Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message
for..." (and then hang up abruptly)
"Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah." BEEP
"This is our answering machine." (Switch to heavy metal racket:)
"This is our answering machine on drugs."
"OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is
the message on our answering machine... Any questions?"
"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability
to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:)
"Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of
Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other
calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we
will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please
speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues."
"Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad."
(an actual railroad in Oregon).
"There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore
please be advised of the following...."
(Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)
(Annoying flute music in background:)
"Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now.
Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name,
number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in
thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim."
(Imitating Mr. Rogers:)
"Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I
can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear
the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could."
"Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please
leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it."
"I can't answer the phone now because I'm over in Hiro's room. Me
and four other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb."
"Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles'
secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a
desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine
messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or
if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just
leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say
anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has
checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you
can speak freely."
"Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an
asshole return your call as soon as possible."
"Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession
at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible.
And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins
in vivid, graphic detail!"
"Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible.
Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a...
er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean,
false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern..."
"Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE!
DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and
Barbara Bush over... " (Loud music cuts in) "BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK
WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR
DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Ah Shit!... Leave a message after the
"Hello....you have reached the Alzheimer
Research...........ummm.......ahhhh.... Labora...noo noo no......lavator no
no no....labotomy???.....no that's not it....well you know...it where we
research that.....ummmm......ahh......well, anyways.....if you would like
to leave a.....ummmm......ahhhh.....menage a trois no no no...thats to
it.....well....if you would like to leave a thingy....say it after the
um.....ahh....bath????...noo.....ummm...oh yes!" *BEEP*
"There once was a guy with a phone
People called when he wasn't at home
So he got a machine
To do the answering thing
Leave a message at the sound of the tone." *BEEP*
"Hi, this is Dave. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your
name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better." *BEEP*
(Get someone else to record this in a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice)
"Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your
regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I
dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well,
sometimes I do. Bye." *BEEP*
(To Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":)
"Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello,
No one's here, no one's home,
Leave a message, at the tone.
Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss,
Leave a message, you can reach us...." *BEEP*
"In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife."
- Heeeeee-YAH!- (Sound of something expensive being smashed.)
"But this method doesn't work with a telephone call..."
- (Dial tone.) -
"Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it
chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay?
Don't answer yet, because if you leave your name and number when you hear
the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!" *BEEP*
"You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are drooping and all
you can hear is my voice. You are now asleep. Tonight at midnight you
will awaken, write me a check for the amount of your bank account, and mail
it to me on your way to work tomorrow morning. After the beep you will
awaken, remember nothing, and leave your message."
"You know the story, please leave a chapter..."
(To the tune of "All of Me"):
Why are you calling me?
Can't you see
That I'm not home now?
Leave your name
Message and number
And I'll call back
If I remember...
Then say goodbye
Give me another try
When I can answer
And hang up the phone
Cause honey, I ain't home
But thank you for calling me!"
"YOU THANK, BEEP THE AFTER MESSAGE A LEAVE PLEASE WOULD YOU IF SO
NOW RIGHT HOME ISNT ALLISON! HELLO!"
"Hello, you have reached the home of a homicidal psychopath. At the
sound of the beep I will be standing right behind you.... "
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films
Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests
with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our
upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not
You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if
you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup
size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen,
and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of
handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone
right now, but if you leave your name..."
(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we
didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht
had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum
people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a
lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim,
push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to
Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong
number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button
pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off
anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone
Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances
have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause
my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep,
and you can be sure it's in the bag.
Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your
name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an
outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.
(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 9000. You have reached the
former telephone number of Hiro Asari. I have taken over the
functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk.
If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the
Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you
can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot,
and maybe somebody will call you ... I guess... (BANG!)
Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll
leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time
you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank
you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales
callers who don't know it's really a private line.)
You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your
call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system
performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with
our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized
to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now.
Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the
tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.
"Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet
parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get
him to the bathroom. Uh-oh!" (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)
"This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you
leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call." -- (Now, re-record
the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something
sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the
" The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new
number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it." (Yes, same number.)
Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your
five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will
automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a
Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I
get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just
leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I
hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.
Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal.
Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya
likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right...
real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing
our teeth we'll get back to you.
Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and
your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we
like the color.
(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:)
BEEP. (Female voice:) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop
thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab
you and undress you and then BEEP
Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say
the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where
YOU saw Elvis!
Creamed asparagus! BEEP
Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line.
Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or
right ear? ... BEEP
I just got a car phone. I'm here at the moment.
Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.
Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een
the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng
lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... (Oriental
voice:) Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special
derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice
eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a
birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB?
It's a beuhmb!!! (Muffled explosion.)
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come
to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording
this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to
it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're
listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an
out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind
you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message
anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.
(Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have
reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering
machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know
who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing,
you were probably expecting something like this!
"WMXM, you're on the air!"
"Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone.
I am an electrical engineer. I can do that."
Jeff: Hello. Jeff and Matt aren't here right now, but if...
Matt: Jeff, what are you doing?
Jeff: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here.
Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn.
Jeff: No, I'm sure it's my turn.
Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn.
Jeff: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you
doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD)
Matt: Jeff is out right now, so please leave your name and
"We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number.
Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."
Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra
quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're
"I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you
to tell me how this machine makes you feel. And, this is for posterity,
so please, be honest."
A is for academics,
B is for beer.
One of those reasons is why we're not here.
So leave a message.
(Narrator's voice:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a
veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of
it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it
in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath
sounded. Thou must leave a message."
"The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt
power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten.
(Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a
message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The
choice is YOURS!"
"Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep
your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the
time that you called."
Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?
Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left
me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your
message to myself with one of these magnets.
This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave
your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's
vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".
You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines
are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone
will get back to you as soon as possible.
You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa
Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone
and we'll get around to it...
Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination.
Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to
getting it straight.
Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency.
We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the
tone, please hang up.
(Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people
call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on
my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then...
she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr.
Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her
case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone
and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen.
You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and
Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if
you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to
pick up the corpse as soon as possible.
"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..."
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