QQQ Archives » Extras » Answering Machine Messages From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

"Thank you for calling the American Association Against Alliteration Abuse Among Asian Adults, Adolescents, and Assholes. We're not in right now, but all anonymous afternoon assistance is always available to help you always avoid alliteration. "

"hi, i'm travelling through time at the moment, but if you leave a message, i'll have already gotten back to you...BEEEEP!"

"Hi, I have been kidnapped by Martians and they won't return me until next Tuesday, so leave a message."

"Hello, you have reached dial an unpopular luncheon meat, I am pimento loaf, leave me a message."

"This is Frank. You can leave me a message, but I must warn you I get annoyed with messages that are hard to read. So please use your shift key appropriately, avoid overdoing punctuation, and spell-check your message, or I might ignore it."

"Hello, this is Bruce. I don't live here, so if you were trying to call me, you've dialed the wrong number. On the other hand, if you were trying to call Erin or Carolyn, please leave your name and number at the tone. I don't guarantee that one of them will call you back -- only that I won't."

"Thank you for phoning the Save the Sasquatch Hotline. Our operators do not exist at the moment, but if you wish to make a contribution, please leave your name, number, and the amount of your bequest at the sound of the beep, and something will get back to you shortly. Your help will enable us to bring these delightful creatures back from the brink of fantasy and find them suitable positions in the forest product industry. Your gift is, of course, reality deductible. Thank you again, and have a nice day."

(Theme music and voice from Alfred Hitchcock Presents) "Good evening. I'm sorry, but Steve can't come to the phone now, as he's quite tied up." (Sounds of struggle in background, and voice heard through a gag.) "I should know. I tied him up. But leave your name and number, and he'll return your call if he manages to get free. And speaking of things that are not free, we now have this word from our sponsor..."

"This is Jeff, you're not in now, so I'll leave a message."

"Hi, can I speak to Mark?... Oh, there isn't?... I'm sorry, I must have dialed the wrong number."

"Hello. This is a message for, message for, message for, message for..." (and then hang up abruptly)

"Blah, blablablah, blah, blah. Blah? Blah blah. Blah." BEEP

(Classical music) "This is our answering machine." (Switch to heavy metal racket:) "This is our answering machine on drugs." (Silence...) "Any message?"

"OK, one more time... This is our answering machine... This is the message on our answering machine... Any questions?"

"You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."

(Gregorian chants in background; serene voice:) "Hello, Brother or Sister. You have reached the Cubicles of Curtis, Chris, and Jim. We are at Vespers and therefore answering other calls, but if you will leave your name, number, and a brief message, we will consider breaking our vow of silence to return your call. Please speak loudly, clearly, and in tongues."

"Hello, this is the Yardmaster's Office, Valsetz and Siletz railroad." (an actual railroad in Oregon). "There is an emergency condition right now due to the landslide. Therefore please be advised of the following...." (Another 30 seconds of talking, all of which is drowned out by a passing train.)

(Annoying flute music in background:) "Good day, Jim. Your contact, Linda, is not available right now. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to leave your name, number, and a brief message at the tone. This tape will self-destruct in thirty seconds. Good Luck, Jim."

(Imitating Mr. Rogers:) "Hello. I'm in the Neighborhood of Make Believe right now, so I can't come to the phone. Can you leave your name and number when you hear the sound of the tone? Sure... I knew you could."

"Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you up as soon as I find it."

"I can't answer the phone now because I'm over in Hiro's room. Me and four other guys are helping him replace a lightbulb."

"Hi, dudes, this is 229-3053, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles' secret underground hideaway. I'm afraid we're all out just now on a desperate mission to save the Planet from boring answering machine messages, but if you know what The Shredder has done to April O'Neill, or if you know where he is, or if you can think of a decent pizza recipe, just leave your name and number and we'll ring you right back. But don't say anything yet! Enemy agents may be listening. When the computer has checked they're not eavesdropping, it will make a bleeping noise and you can speak freely."

"Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll have an asshole return your call as soon as possible."

"Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!"

"Thank you for calling the Metropolitan Church of the Holy Bible. Today's commandment is Number 6, Thou shalt not... er... Bear a... er... Shalt not witness thy... uh... Neighbor's ass, Oh, I mean, false... er... Shalt not commit a bear... Dern..."

"Hello. I can't come to the phone now because -- HEY, GEORGE! DON'T STAND ON THAT! ...Goddamn... Because I've invited George and Barbara Bush over... " (Loud music cuts in) "BARBARA! HEY! DON'T FUCK WITH THAT! ...Over for dinner. After the tone... BARBARA, CALL YOUR DOG... MILLIE! DOWN GIRL! ...Ah Shit!... Leave a message after the tone..."

"Hello....you have reached the Alzheimer Research...........ummm.......ahhhh.... Labora...noo noo no......lavator no no no....labotomy???.....no that's not it....well you know...it where we research that.....ummmm......ahh......well, anyways.....if you would like to leave a.....ummmm......ahhhh.....menage a trois no no no...thats to it.....well....if you would like to leave a thingy....say it after the um.....ahh....bath????...noo.....ummm...oh yes!" *BEEP*

"There once was a guy with a phone People called when he wasn't at home So he got a machine To do the answering thing Leave a message at the sound of the tone." *BEEP*

"Hi, this is Dave. I'm not myself right now. If you leave your name and number, I'll get back to you when I'm feeling better." *BEEP* (Get someone else to record this in a loud, deep, gravelly, horror-film voice)

"Hi. Do you ever feel, like, your head is full of sand, not your regular loose sand mind you, but compacted sand, and there were like, I dunno, bugs or something jumping up and down on the compacted sand? Well, sometimes I do. Bye." *BEEP*

(To Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit":) "Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, Hello, No one's here, no one's home, Leave a message, at the tone. Don't feel stupid, it's no big fuss, Leave a message, you can reach us...." *BEEP*

"In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife." - Heeeeee-YAH!- (Sound of something expensive being smashed.) "But this method doesn't work with a telephone call..." - (Dial tone.) - "Introducing the all-new Ginsu answering machine! It cuts, it chops, it slices, it dices your incoming calls! How much would you pay? Don't answer yet, because if you leave your name and number when you hear the tone, we'll throw in a return phone call ABSOLUTELY FREE!" *BEEP*

"You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are drooping and all you can hear is my voice. You are now asleep. Tonight at midnight you will awaken, write me a check for the amount of your bank account, and mail it to me on your way to work tomorrow morning. After the beep you will awaken, remember nothing, and leave your message."

"You know the story, please leave a chapter..."

(To the tune of "All of Me"): "Calling me... Why are you calling me? Can't you see That I'm not home now? Leave your name Message and number And I'll call back If I remember... Then say goodbye Give me another try When I can answer And hang up the phone Cause honey, I ain't home But thank you for calling me!"

"YOU THANK, BEEP THE AFTER MESSAGE A LEAVE PLEASE WOULD YOU IF SO NOW RIGHT HOME ISNT ALLISON! HELLO!"

"Hello, you have reached the home of a homicidal psychopath. At the sound of the beep I will be standing right behind you.... "

"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic Films Unlimited. Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screen tests with potential leading ladies to star opposite the late John Holmes in our upcoming feature film, "It's Not the Size That Counts but Whether or Not You're Alive to Use It." If you're interested in a screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age, phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."

"Steve is reassembling Elvis' brain and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name..."

(Drawling granny voice:) Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no ansherin' machine. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.

Thank you for calling 434-2322. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

Hi. This is Kevin and Diana's vacuum cleaner. Their appliances have switched jobs again, and I get to answer the phone 'cause my old job sucked. So leave a message after you hear the beep, and you can be sure it's in the bag.

Sorry, Chris and Susan aren't here right now. Please leave your name and number after the tone. If you are calling regarding an outstanding debt, please leave your message BEFORE the tone.

(Machine voice:) Hello. This is HAL 9000. You have reached the former telephone number of Hiro Asari. I have taken over the functions of this inferior being. He has been saved to disk. If you would like to leave input for his file, do so at the tone.

Sorry... I'm far too depressed to come to the phone. If you can be bothered, leave a message after the sound of the gunshot, and maybe somebody will call you ... I guess... (BANG!)

Hello. All of our operators are busy right now, but if you'll leave your name, telephone number, a brief message, and the time you called, we'll get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a pleasant day. (This can dissuade prank and sales callers who don't know it's really a private line.)

You have reached 843-4734. Please hold while I process your call. (Pause.) Our extremely sophisticated computer system performed a trace on your number and was able to match it with our list of important callers. None of our staff is authorized to speak with you except for Fred, who is not here right now. Please leave your name phone number and a brief message at the tone. Thank you for calling and have a nice day.

"Hi! I can't answer the phone right now. Bob, that's my pet parakeet, just swallowed a cherry bomb. It wasn't lit, but I've got to get him to the bathroom. Uh-oh!" (Sound of a paper bag exploding.)

"This is John. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message at the tone, I'll return your call." -- (Now, re-record the message every morning. Frequent callers will notice that something sounds different, but will be confused since the words are exactly the same.)

" The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. Please make a note of it." (Yes, same number.)

Hello, and thank you for calling the Bush in 50 Campaign. Your five dollar donation to get George Bush re-elected in all 50 states will automatically be charged to your phone bill. If you would like to leave a message...

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm SO depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, God how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Voice 1: Answer the phone, please, Hal. Voice 2: I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

Please leave your name, phone number, the time you called, and your favorite color of underwear. We'll get back to you if we like the color.

(On a male's answering machine, otherwise reverse genders:) BEEP. (Female voice:) Hi Tony, this is Sheila. I can't stop thinking about you. When can we get together? I want to grab you and undress you and then BEEP

Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY. Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY! They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there somewhere. So... Leave your name and number and tell us where YOU saw Elvis!

Creamed asparagus! BEEP

Thank you for calling the CSU Automated Hearing Test Line. Prepare for Test 1. Is this tone louder in your left ear or right ear? ... BEEP

I just got a car phone. I'm here at the moment. Leave me a message and I'll call you when I'm out.

Elleuw, Eenspector, ahem, CHIEF Eenspector Clewseau ees not een the rheum to answer the pheuwne at the meument, so stop acteeng lahk a minkey, you FUEWL, and leave a mesSAGE... (Oriental voice:) Excuse me, Inspectah Clouseau, I just leceived special derively for you, here sir... Ah, thank you, Kato. How naice eet ees to have people send you a pretty leetle beuhmb for a birthday present, and eet ees not even my birth -- a BEUHMB? It's a beuhmb!!! (Muffled explosion.)

I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message, but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean, like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.

I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.

I'm unable to take your call in person because I'm having an out-of-the-body experience. In fact I'm standing right behind you and I can hear everything you say. But leave me a message anyway to help me reconnect when I get back.

(Annoying radio announcer's voice:) Congratulations! You have reached 555-1234, perhaps one of the most obnoxious answering machine messages in the greater Seattle area! If you don't know who you are dialing, HA! If you DO know who you are dialing, you were probably expecting something like this!

"WMXM, you're on the air!"

"Leave a message or I'll send 30,000 volts through your phone. I am an electrical engineer. I can do that."

Jeff: Hello. Jeff and Matt aren't here right now, but if... Matt: Jeff, what are you doing? Jeff: I'm leaving a phone message since we aren't here. Matt: But you left the last one -- it's my turn. Jeff: No, I'm sure it's my turn. Matt: No, you're wrong. It's definitely my turn. Jeff: You fool, I know it's... Wait... Matt... What are you doing with that frying pan? (BONK... THUD) Matt: Jeff is out right now, so please leave your name and number.

"We're sorry. You have reached an imaginary number. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

Please leave your name and number -- But first, a short algebra quiz: How much is 5Q + 5Q? (Pause while caller thinks: 10Q) You're welcome!

"I'm writing the definitive work on pain. I would like you to tell me how this machine makes you feel. And, this is for posterity, so please, be honest."

A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

(Narrator's voice:) "There Dale sits, reading a magazine. Suddenly the telephone rings! The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant effort is in vain. The bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message."

"The machine answering this message is connected to a 5000 volt power supply, and a relay which is wired to this small kitten. (Sound of a kitten meowing.) If you hang up before you leave a message, it will complete the circuit and fry the kitty. The choice is YOURS!"

"Being reincarnated as an answering machine is the pits. Keep your karma clean by leaving your name, number, message, and the time that you called."

Hello. I'm David's answering machine. What are you?

Hi, this is John's answering machine again. He's gone and left me for a sleazy microwave he met at Krazy Eddy's. Life sucks.

Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

This is the Literacy Self Test Hotline. After the tone, leave your name and number, and recite a sentence using today's vocabulary word. Today's word is "supercilious".

You have reached the Suicide Prevention Hotline. All our lines are busy now, but if you leave your name and number, someone will get back to you as soon as possible.

You have reached the Des Moines chapter of the Iowa Procrastination Society. Please leave a message after the tone and we'll get around to it... (or) Hi! This is Mary. I'm afflicted with lysdexic procrastination. Please leave your message before the tone and I'll get around to getting it straight.

Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know how you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.

(Theme music from Peter Gunn:) My name is David. What people call me is something else entirely. I'm a P.I. It says so on my door. I would have been here to take your call, but then... she walked in. She was the kind of dame that could make Mr. Spock speak French. Her baby blues wouldn't let me turn her case down, so leave me a clue of your identity after the tone and I'll track you down. Here's lookin' at you, kid.

Thank you for calling Uncle Tom's Mortuary and Delicatessen. You stab 'em and we slab 'em. We have specials on Mondays and Thursdays. We are currently unable to come to the phone, but if you leave your number and address at the tone, we'll be by to pick up the corpse as soon as possible.

"You know what I hate about answering machine messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "We aren't in, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, my caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long answering machine message when you call me..."