QQQ Archives » Extras » DIY Country Song! From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

Do-It-Yourself Country/Western Song


I met her __________  _____;  I can still recall _________
             (1)       (2)                          (3)

1.                 2.                  3.
on the highway     in September        that purple dress
in Sheboygan       at McDonald's       that little hat
outside Fresno     ridin' shotgun      that burlap bra
at a truck stop    wrestlin' gators    those training pants
on probation       all hunched over    the stolen goods
in a jail cell     poppin' uppers      that plastic nose
in a nightmare     sort of pregnant    the Stassin pin
incognito          with joggers        the neon sign
in the Stone Age   stoned on oatmeal   that creepy smile
in a treehouse     with Merv Griffin   the hearing aid
in a gay bar       dead all over       the boxer shorts

she wore; She was ______  _____,
                    (4)    (5)

4.                                5.
sobbin' at the toll booth         in the twilight
drinkin' Dr. Pepper               but I loved her
weighted down with Twinkies       by the off-ramp
breakin' out with acne            near Poughkeepsie
crawlin' through the prairie      with her cobra
smellin' kind of funny            when she shot me
crashin' through the guardrail    on her elbows
chewin' on a hangnail             with Led-Zeppelin
talkin' in Swahili                with Miss Piggy
drownin' in the quicksand         with a wetback
slurpin' up linguini              in her muu-muu

and I knew _______; _______ I'd ______ forever;
             (6)      (7)        (8)

6.                                     7.                      8.
no guy would ever love her more        I promised her          stay with her
that she would be an easy score        I knew deep down        warp her mind
she'd bought her dentures in a store   She asked me if         swear off booze
that she would be a crashing bore      I told her shrink       change my sex
I'd never rate her more than "4"       The judge declared      punch her out
they'd hate her guts in Baltimore      My Pooh Bear said       live off her
it was a raven, nothing more           I shrieked in pain      have my rash
we really lost the last World War      The painters knew       stay a dwarf
I'd have to scrape her off the floor   A Klingon said          hate her dog
what strong deodorants were for        My hamster thought      pick my nose
that she was rotten to the core        The blood test showed   play "Go Fish"
that I would upchuck on the floor      Her rabbi said          salivate

She said to me ____; But who'd have thought she'd _____
               (9)                                (10)

9.                             10.
our love would never die       run off
there was no other guy         wind up
man wasn't meant to fly        boogie
that Nixon didn't lie          yodel
her basset hound was shy       sky dive
that Rolaids made her high     turn green
she'd have a swiss on rye      freak out
she loved my one blue eye      blast off
her brother's name was Hy      make it
she liked "Spy vs. Spy"        black out
that birthdays made her cry    bobsled
she couldn't stand my tie      grovel

___________; _________ goodbye.
   (11)         (12)

11.                    12.
with my best friend    You'd think at least that she'd have said
in my Edsel            I never had the chance to say
on a surfboard         She told her fat friend Grace to say
on "The Gong Show"     I now can kiss my credit cards
with her dentist       I guess I was too smashed to say
on her "Workmate"      I watched her melt away and sobbed
with a robot           She fell beneath the wheels and cried
with no clothes on     She sent a hired thug to say
at her health club     She freaked out on the lawn and screamed
in her Maytag          I pushed her off the bridge and waved
with her guru          But that's the way that pygmies say
while in labor         She sealed me in the vault and smirked.