QQQ Archives » Extras » Dirty jokes From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

A man went into a cafe. the waitress asked him what he wanted.

"A quickie," the man replied.

The waitress gave him a dirty look and asked him again.

"I want a quickie," the man repeated.

The waitress slapped his face and ordered him out.

As he was leaving another diner said to him, "I think it`s
pronounced quiche."



"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the
man's broken leg.

"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."

"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."

"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm,
that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter
came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, "No, everything is fine."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"I'm sure," I said.

"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not,"
I replied.

"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your
leg?"

"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she
meant, I fell off the roof!"

Source: Steven Stuart-Doig,
Director, AISS Information Center, University of Illinois At Chicago



Boy... I'll never get involved with another optometrist...

All night long... "Is it better like this, or like this?"
                  "Is it better like this, or like this?"
                  "Is it better like this, or like this?"



   A bus stops and two Italian men get on.  They seat themselves,
and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them
ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is
galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following;

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I
come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more."

   "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In
this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey,
coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa
to spella Mississippi."



You know what my wife does after sex?
She calls me and says she'll be home in time for dinner.



A young french girl was visiting New York when her cash funds run dry and
her visa expired.  She met a sailor who agreed to stow her aboard his ship
that was about to sail.  Every day he would bring her food and drink and
in return all she had to do was give him a bit of love, lacking much choice
the girl agreed.
And so everyday the sailor brought some food and would get some loving in
return.  This went on for several weeks until the captain saw the sailor
sneaking around with a tray of food and the whole affair was uncovered.
The captain felt obliged to apologize to the girl:
"I'm very sorry about all that has happened to you, but you have to admit
the sailor is smart.  Do you know you're on the Staten Island Ferry?"



     A couple, age 67, went to the doctors office. The  doc-
     tor  asked,  "What  can  I do for you?"  The man said ,
     "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"  The  doc-
     tor  looked  puzzled  but agreed.  When the couple fin-
     ished, The doctor said, "There is  nothing  wrong  with
     the  way  you  have  intercourse",  and he charged them
     $32.00.

     This happened several weeks in a row. The couple  would
     make  an  appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor
     and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what
     are you trying to find out?"

     The old man said, "We're not trying to  find  out  any-
     thing.  She  is married and we can't go to her house. I
     am married and can't go to my house. The  Holiday  INN
     charges  $60.00.  The  Hilton  charges $78.00. We do it
     here for $32.00 and I get back $28.00 from Medicare for
     a visit to the Doctor's Office.



This old man is sitting on a bench in the park  when a kid with spiked hair
colored every color of the rainbow walks by.  The old man can't stop staring at
the kid, and finally the kid bursts out at the man.

"I know, I know...the hair looks funny," said the kid, "but haven't you ever
done anything that seemed like a good idea at the time but afterwards you were
embarresed  you did it?"

The old man says, "yeah, that is why I was  staring at you.  18 years ago I
had sex with a parrot, and i was wondering if you were my kid"



Once upon a time, there was a village.

The people in the village were extremely conservative.  No one talked
about sex.  Newlyweds had to figure out how to do such business on
their own because no one ever talked about it in their lifetime.

A mischievous couple decided to pull a practical joke on a pair of
people getting married.

The man pulled the groom-to-be aside and talked to him privately:
"I know it is not appropriate to talk to you about sex life.  But
you are getting married soon, I don't want you to get hurt."

"What is it? What is it?  Let me know," the ignorant groom eagerly asked.

The man first told him what sex was all about.  And he said,
"But ... , you have to be careful.  Some women grow teeth in their
'private place'.  Some poor men have lost their valuable body part to
these ruthless jaws."

"How should I find out?  What should I do on the first night?"

"Fear not, young man.  Let me tell you what to do.  Don't take
any risks.  On the first night, test her first with your knee."

The woman also talked to the bride-to-be in private:
"You are getting married soon.  I cannot resist warning you..."

The bride also eagerly asked for advice.

The woman first explained to her what would happen in bed the first
night, then she said, "Some men have a HUGE life-threatening penis.
If you have sex with this type of man, you may not survive."

"Oh, please help me.  What should I do?" The bride was scared.

"Well, let me tell you what I did on my first night," she lied.
"I sharpened my finger nails and put my hand in front of my
vulnerable spot, and grabbed anything that approached."

In the wedding night, the shy newlywed slipped into bed in pitch
darkness.  Moments later, both screamed in horror.

... And they slept separately ever after.



I went over to this girls house the other night.  She cooked a great dinner.  
I had a really good time and everything....  
She made the best dessert... And she had the BEST PUSSY!

Oh come on now.. I'm talking about her cat!  
You people make me sick.  You disgust me!

That cat was the best fuck I ever had.

              -- Steve Martin.