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How good a Darth Vader would you make? This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron. Separate paper wil be distributed for the essay section. Multiple Choice Section: 1 What color is your cape/cloak? a) White or grey b) Mauve or flourescent orange c) Brown or blue d) Pure black 2 Describe your voice: a) A mellfluous tenor, radiating peace and light b) Hight and squeaky, kind of like the noise generated by hitting a mouse with a mallet c) Strong and commanding, with deep overtones of control and evil d) Low enough to shatter windows and gravely as a sea bed, kind of like you'd been hit in the throat by a semi when you were four 3 Describe your Force skills: a) I am a Jedi, like my father before me b) I don't have any Force skills, but I do get good cable reception c) I have just enough Force sensitivity to say "I have a bad feeling about this" with authority d) I can crush your puny larynx like a grape, you dweeb 4 An officer under your command informs you that, through his own incompetence, he has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape. You: a) Tell him in a kind, understanding voice that he really should try harder. b) Give him a blender and do the dance of joy. c) Fire him and cancel his Christmas bonus. d) Kill him, then spit on his lifeless body. 5 The _new_ officer under your command informs you that, through no fault of his own, the Rebel scum have escaped. You: a) Pat him on the back and say that you understand, everyone has a bad day now and then. b) Click your ruby heels together three times and say, "There's no place like Burger King, there's no place like Burger King." c) Commend him for trying and send him back to his post. d) Kill him, then kick his lifeless body. 6 _His_ replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your toe. You: a) Smile understandingly and step to the side. b) Ask him to do it again. c) Step on his toe. d) Kill him, then have his body fed to the Rancor. 7 Luke Skywalker is your: a) Best friend. b) Dog. c) Feared persecuto. d) Arch-enemy. Or son. Your choice. 8 Complete the following sentence: "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a... a) ...really nice guy. I respect you, sir." b) ...chicken. Or was it lizard? I can never remember..." c) ...traitor. Take her away!" d) ...corpse. Good riddance." (this is the only one Vader missed) 9 The Emperor calls you his: a) enemy b) nephew c) doormat d) right hand 10 Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze with the Force? a) None, I give loving hugs. b) the bladder c) the heart or brain d) All of them, but the trachea if I'm just practicing. Optional strategy section: Given a copy of the Mona Lisa, Dali's "Persistence of Time", and a crayon drawing of mommy, daddy, and kat, how long would it take you to destroy human civilization? a) Ten years b) Twelve parsecs c) A day d) Ten minutes Optional ethics section: You are given a choice between killing a kitten and eating a Twinkie. You: a) Give them both a hug. b) Kill the Twinkie c) Kill the kitten d) Kill the kitten with the Twinkie Optional xenobiology section: What alien species would you most like to exterminate? a) Hutts b) Tribbles c) Ewoks d) Non-humans Optional navigation section: You have the fastest ship in the galaxy. How fast can you do the Kessel Run? a) 12 parsecs b) 12 liters c) 12 days d) 12 Rebel corpses Optional Jedi Knight section: What is the power of this technological terror insignificant beside? a) The power of the Force. b) The power that only wet suction can muster. c) The power of _that_ technological terror. d) The power of me. Essay: You are trapped, alone, on a desert planet. What five things do you take with you, and who do you kill with them? Answers: If you answered (a majority of the time): a) You are a Rebel weenie. Get off the net, you dweeb. b) You are an idiot. I'd tell you to get off the net, too, but you wouldn't understand me. c) You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise in the Empire. Good luck! d) You are the Dark Lord of the Sith. Go kick some Rebel ass.
STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (SPECIAL EDITION) A film review by Andrew Plotkin Copyright 1997 Andrew Plotkin Finally -- the long-awaited new release of this classic! But, as I'm sure you've heard, with a difference. The director, George Lucas, has undertaken a bold experiment: a full, unabridged, four-hour-long version of _Star Wars_. It's just *terrific*. We all know the story. Young Luke Skywalker lives in a remote desert manor on Tattooine, with his aunt and uncle. But a mysterious message from a ghostly apparition jars him out his everyday life; and soon he learns of the dark figure that murdered his father Old Luke. And Luke vows revenge. Thus is set the stage for a story of starships, swordfights, vengeance, and plays within plays. Luke quickly gathers around him a motley crew as familiar to modern viewers as the Raskellar Gang. His old companions, Artoo Detoo and See Threepenstern, are summoned to find out why he is suddenly so keen to leave the moisture farm and go haring off across the galaxy. The old adviser, Ben Kenobi, tutors Luke in the ways of the Force. Han Solo, a disreputable smuggler and son of Kenobi, offers his battered old freighter, the trusty Millennium Handsaw. And, of course, there is the beautiful princess, Solo's sister, who has been kidnapped by the evil King. The setting of the film is simply gorgeous. The looming, shadowy towers of Elsinore were a special-effects marvel twenty years ago; they can honestly be said to have created the modern science fiction movie. But director Ken Lucas has completely redone the effects for this release. An opulent European manor forms the stage for this tragedy, replete with moldering libraries, secret passages, marble balustrades, and -- the heart of the story -- the central hall, the hall of mirrors, where the action returns to again and again. The Princess is imprisoned in a padded cell behind these mirrors; the dark King and his Grand Moff Norway conceal themselves there to spy on young Luke. When our heros are about to be crushed in a pirate compactor, the robots, Artoo Denkrantz and Guildenstepio, save them by interfacing with the program controls behind these mirrors, and inverting the execution polarity. It's an all-star cast, of course. Mark Hamill is the lead, partnered by Robin Williams as Han Solo, Tim Roth and Gary Oldman as the robots, and Ophelia (created by Jim Henson's Creature Workshop.) But there are any number of excellent smaller roles, as well. Who can forget Frank Oz as the aged councillor Kenobi, with his fractured syntax, squeaking, "Wisdom, you seek? When Vader you have faced, then a Jedi, you will be. To thine own self, be true!" Or Richard Attenborough as the leering courtier, Osric the Wookiee? And, even at four hours in length, the pacing doesn't flag for a moment. Running gun-battles in the hallways, the fiery saber-duel at the climax, and of course Luke's desperate run down the trench to pour poison into the Death Star's ear. All underscored with Walter Jon Williams' transcendent orchestral music. Shakespeare's literary jewel has never had a more flamboyant setting than this one; director George Branagh has achieved a five-star triumph.
DEATH STAR TO OPEN DAY CARE CENTRE After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its already vast array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care centre, which, according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by July 1. "Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Centre," the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms, outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive power." Though still several weeks away from full strength, the Sunshine Death Star Centre is already up and running. Among the most popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel your hatred flow through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside of the circle. "Give in to your hatred!" In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities, children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Centre have already witnessed the destruction of several planets out the centre's giant bay window. Last Friday, in the middle of a colouring activity, the planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her some ice cream treats to calm her. According to Death Star officials, the idea for the centre sprang up after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality, affordable child care options on the Death Star. "As a stormtrooper and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care centre," Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing environment, one in which my child will learn." Added Gail Lindon: "For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?" As excited as most are about the new day care centre, a few extremists have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor core. "There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single, well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station." Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as "a million to one."

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