QQQ Archives » Extras » Vader Test, etc... From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

    How good a Darth Vader would you make?

This test will require a No. 2 lead hydrospanner and a black Scantron.
Separate paper wil be distributed for the essay section.

Multiple Choice Section:

1    What color is your cape/cloak?
a)   White or grey
b)   Mauve or flourescent orange
c)   Brown or blue
d)   Pure black

2    Describe your voice:
a)   A mellfluous tenor, radiating peace and light
b)   Hight and squeaky, kind of like the noise generated by hitting a mouse
     with a mallet
c)   Strong and commanding, with deep overtones of control and evil
d)   Low enough to shatter windows and gravely as a sea bed, kind of like you'd
     been hit in the throat by a semi when you were four

3    Describe your Force skills:
a)   I am a Jedi, like my father before me
b)   I don't have any Force skills, but I do get good cable reception
c)   I have just enough Force sensitivity to say "I have a bad feeling about
     this" with authority
d)   I can crush your puny larynx like a grape, you dweeb

4    An officer under your command informs you that, through his own
     incompetence, he has allowed your Rebel quarry to escape.  You:
a)   Tell him in a kind, understanding voice that he really should try harder.
b)   Give him a blender and do the dance of joy.
c)   Fire him and cancel his Christmas bonus.
d)   Kill him, then spit on his lifeless body.

5    The _new_ officer under your command informs you that, through no fault of
     his own, the Rebel scum have escaped.  You:
a)   Pat him on the back and say that you understand, everyone has a bad day
     now and then.
b)   Click your ruby heels together three times and say, "There's no place like
     Burger King, there's no place like Burger King."
c)   Commend him for trying and send him back to his post.
d)   Kill him, then kick his lifeless body.

6    _His_ replacement, through no fault of his own, steps on your toe.  You:
a)   Smile understandingly and step to the side.
b)   Ask him to do it again.
c)   Step on his toe.
d)   Kill him, then have his body fed to the Rancor.

7    Luke Skywalker is your:
a)   Best friend.
b)   Dog.
c)   Feared persecuto.
d)   Arch-enemy.  Or son.  Your choice.

8    Complete the following sentence:
     "You are part of the Rebel Alliance and a...
a)   ...really nice guy.  I respect you, sir."
b)   ...chicken.  Or was it lizard?  I can never remember..."
c)   ...traitor.  Take her away!"
d)   ...corpse.  Good riddance."  (this is the only one Vader missed)

9    The Emperor calls you his:
a)   enemy
b)   nephew
c)   doormat
d)   right hand

10   Which portion of the body do you prefer to crush and squeeze with the
     Force?
a)   None, I give loving hugs.
b)   the bladder
c)   the heart or brain
d)   All of them, but the trachea if I'm just practicing.

Optional strategy section:
     Given a copy of the Mona Lisa, Dali's "Persistence of Time", and a crayon
     drawing of mommy, daddy, and kat, how long would it take you to destroy
     human civilization?
a)   Ten years
b)   Twelve parsecs
c)   A day
d)   Ten minutes

Optional ethics section:
     You are given a choice between killing a kitten and eating a Twinkie.
      You:
a)   Give them both a hug.
b)   Kill the Twinkie
c)   Kill the kitten
d)   Kill the kitten with the Twinkie

Optional xenobiology section:
     What alien species would you most like to exterminate?
a)   Hutts
b)   Tribbles
c)   Ewoks
d)   Non-humans

Optional navigation section:
     You have the fastest ship in the galaxy.  How fast can you do the
     Kessel Run?
a)   12 parsecs
b)   12 liters
c)   12 days
d)   12 Rebel corpses

Optional Jedi Knight section:
     What is the power of this technological terror insignificant beside?
a)   The power of the Force.
b)   The power that only wet suction can muster.
c)   The power of _that_ technological terror.
d)   The power of me.

Essay:
     You are trapped, alone, on a desert planet.  What five things do you take
with you, and who do you kill with them?

Answers:
If you answered (a majority of the time):

a)   You are a Rebel weenie.  Get off the net, you dweeb.
b)   You are an idiot.  I'd tell you to get off the net, too, but you wouldn't
     understand me.
c)   You have the cold-blooded ruthlessness to rise in the Empire.  Good luck!
d)   You are the Dark Lord of the Sith.  Go kick some Rebel ass.



           STAR WARS: A NEW HOPE (SPECIAL EDITION)
                 A film review by Andrew Plotkin
                  Copyright 1997 Andrew Plotkin

Finally -- the long-awaited new release of this classic! But, as I'm
sure you've heard, with a difference. The director, George Lucas, has
undertaken a bold experiment: a full, unabridged, four-hour-long version
of _Star Wars_.

It's just *terrific*.

We all know the story. Young Luke Skywalker lives in a remote desert
manor on Tattooine, with his aunt and uncle. But a mysterious message
from a ghostly apparition jars him out his everyday life; and soon he
learns of the dark figure that murdered his father Old Luke. And Luke
vows revenge. Thus is set the stage for a story of starships,
swordfights, vengeance, and plays within plays.

Luke quickly gathers around him a motley crew as familiar to modern
viewers as the Raskellar Gang. His old companions, Artoo Detoo and See
Threepenstern, are summoned to find out why he is suddenly so keen to
leave the moisture farm and go haring off across the galaxy. The old
adviser, Ben Kenobi, tutors Luke in the ways of the Force. Han Solo, a
disreputable smuggler and son of Kenobi, offers his battered old
freighter, the trusty Millennium Handsaw. And, of course, there is the
beautiful princess, Solo's sister, who has been kidnapped by the evil
King.

The setting of the film is simply gorgeous. The looming, shadowy towers
of Elsinore were a special-effects marvel twenty years ago; they can
honestly be said to have created the modern science fiction movie. But
director Ken Lucas has completely redone the effects for this release.
An opulent European manor forms the stage for this tragedy, replete with
moldering libraries, secret passages, marble balustrades, and -- the
heart of the story -- the central hall, the hall of mirrors, where the
action returns to again and again. The Princess is imprisoned in a
padded cell behind these mirrors; the dark King and his Grand Moff
Norway conceal themselves there to spy on young Luke. When our heros are
about to be crushed in a pirate compactor, the robots, Artoo Denkrantz
and Guildenstepio, save them by interfacing with the program controls
behind these mirrors, and inverting the execution polarity.

It's an all-star cast, of course. Mark Hamill is the lead, partnered by
Robin Williams as Han Solo, Tim Roth and Gary Oldman as the robots, and
Ophelia (created by Jim Henson's Creature Workshop.) But there are any
number of excellent smaller roles, as well. Who can forget Frank Oz as
the aged councillor Kenobi, with his fractured syntax, squeaking,
"Wisdom, you seek? When Vader you have faced, then a Jedi, you will be.
To thine own self, be true!" Or Richard Attenborough as the leering
courtier, Osric the Wookiee?

And, even at four hours in length, the pacing doesn't flag for a moment.
Running gun-battles in the hallways, the fiery saber-duel at the climax,
and of course Luke's desperate run down the trench to pour poison into
the Death Star's ear. All underscored with Walter Jon Williams'
transcendent orchestral music. Shakespeare's literary jewel has never
had a more flamboyant setting than this one; director George Branagh has
achieved a five-star triumph.



DEATH STAR TO OPEN DAY CARE CENTRE

After months of speculation, it was confirmed yesterday that the Death
Star, the Empire's vaunted, planet-destroying space station, has added
a new, state-of-the-art day care centre to its already vast
array of capabilities. The massive four-room day care centre, which,
according to Grand Moff Tarkin, will "provide a safe and fun learning
environment for tots between the ages of one and four," has already
begun spring enrollment and is expected to be fully operational by
July 1.

"Nothing can stop the Sunshine Death Star Play and Learning Centre,"
the Imperial Emperor said via holograph. "With its four classrooms,
outdoor playground and experienced staff of licensed day care
professionals, no other facility can match its awesome instructive
power."  Though still several weeks away from full strength, the
Sunshine Death Star Centre is already up and running. Among the most
popular activities there are finger-painting, storytime and Duck Duck
Goose, which the Emperor often helps lead. "Feel your hatred flow
through you," he told 3-year-old Jenny Bates, as she energetically
chased fellow toddler and "goose" Michael Phillips around the outside
of the circle.  "Give in to your hatred!"

In addition to enjoying many fun games and learning activities,
children at the Sunshine Death Star Day Care Centre have already
witnessed the destruction of several planets out the centre's giant
bay window.  Last Friday, in the middle of a colouring activity, the
planet Alderan was blown up, delighting 23 of the 24 children who
witnessed the devastating power of the battle station. The sole
exception was Libby Phelps, 3, whose family was vacationing in Alderan
at the time of its destruction. She was frightened by the loud
explosion and began to cry upon realizing that her mother, father and
younger sister were now dead. The emperor's elite squadron of imperial
guards leapt to action, removing the girl from the room and giving her
some ice cream treats to calm her.

According to Death Star officials, the idea for the centre sprang up
after a number of parents complained about the lack of quality,
affordable child care options on the Death Star.  "As a stormtrooper
and father of three, I'm very excited about the new day care centre,"
Death Star citizen Ralph Sedgwick said. "It's a safe, nurturing
environment, one in which my child will learn."  Added Gail Lindon:
"For years I took my daughter to work because I couldn't afford a
nanny. Do you have any idea how hard it is to operate a tractor beam
with a two-year-old pulling at your leg?"

As excited as most are about the new day care centre, a few extremists
have expressed concern about its proximity to the Death Star's reactor
core.

"There is an opening in the Death Star's main shaft that leads to the
core," parent and dissenting voice Annette Voss said. "If a small
rebel ship were to somehow break through the deflector shield and enter
the shaft, it's possible it could hit the reactor core with a single,
well-placed proton torpedo shot and destroy the entire space station."
Experts, however, scoff at Voss's theory, dismissing such a shot as
"a million to one."