QQQ Archives » Extras » Feline Humor From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

BASIC RULES FOR CATS WHO HAVE A HOUSE TO RUN

** DOORS:
    Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get door opened, stand on
    hind legs and hammer with forepaws.  Once door is opened, it is not
    necessary to use it.  After you have ordered an "outside" door opened,
    stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is
    particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or
    mosquito season.  Swinging doors are to be avoided at all costs.

** CHAIRS and RUGS:
    If you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot
manage in time, get to an Oriental rug.  If there is no Oriental rug, shag
    is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you back up so
that  it is as long as the human's bare foot.

** BATHROOMS:
    Always accompany guests to the bathroom.  It is not necessary to do
    anything -- just sit and stare.

** HAMPERING:
    If one of your humans is engaged in some close activity and the
other is idle, stay with the busy one.  This is called "helping",
otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for "hampering":

    a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the
       cook.  You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of
       being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

    b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and
       book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

    c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most
       appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at
       least the most important part.  Pretend to doze, but every so often
       reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles.  The worker may try
      to distract you; ignore it.  Remember, the aim is to hamper work.

       Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite
       of what the humans may tell you.

    d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income
       taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim
       -- to hamper!  First, sit on the paper being worked on.  When
       dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table.  When activity
     proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to
       the best of your ability.  After being removed for the second time,
       push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

   e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be
       sure to jump on the back of the paper.  They love to jump.

** WALKING:
    As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front
    of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in
   their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning.  This
    will help their coordination skills.

** BEDTIME:
    Always sleep on the human at night so s/he cannot move around.

** PLAY:
    This is an important part of your life.  Get enough sleep in the
    daytime so you are fresh for your nocturnal games.  Below are listed
    several favorite cat games that you can play.  It is important
    though to maintain one's Dignity at all times.  If you should have an
    accident during play, such as falling off a chair, immediately wash
    a part of your body as if to say "I MEANT to do that!"  It fools
    those humans every time.

    CAT GAMES:

    "Catch Mouse":
        The humans would have you believe that those lumps under the
        covers are their feet and hands.  They are lying.  They are
        actually Bed Mice, rumored to be the most delicious of all the
        mice in the world, though no cat has ever been able to catch
      one.  Rumor also has it that only the most ferocious attack can stun
        them long enough for you to dive under the covers to get them.
        Maybe YOU can be the first to taste the Bed Mouse!

    "King of the Hill":
        This game must be played with at least one other cat. The more,
        the merrier!  One or both of the sleeping humans is Hill 303
       which  must be defended at all costs from the other cat(s).  Anything
        goes.  This game allows for the development of unusual tactics
       as one must take the unstable playing theater into account.

    WARNING:
        Playing either of these games to excess will result in expulsion
        from the bed and possibly from the bedroom.  Should the humans
        grow restless, immediately begin purring and cuddle up to them.

        This should buy you some time until they fall asleep again.  If
        one happens to be on a human when this occurs, this cat wins the
        round of King of the Hill.

** TOYS:
    Any small item is a potential toy. If a human tries to confiscate
    it, this means that it is a Good Toy.  Run with it under the bed.  Look
    suitably outraged when the human grabs you and takes it away.

    Always watch where it is put so you can steal it later.  Two
    reliable  sources of toys are dresser tops and wastebaskets. There are
several
    types of cat toys.

    Bright shiny things like keys, brooches, or coins should be hidden
   so  that the other cat(s) or humans can't play with them.  They are
    generally good for playing hockey with on uncarpeted floors.

    Dangly and/or string-like things such as shoelaces, cords, gold
    chains, and dental floss also make excellent toys.  They are
   favorites  of humans who like to drag them across the floor for us to pounce
  on.  When a string is dragged under a newspaper or throw rug, it
   magically becomes the Paper/Rug Mouse and should be killed at all costs.
Take
    care, though.  Humans are sneaky and will try to make you lose your
    Dignity.

** PAPER BAGS:
    within paper bags dwell the Bag Mice.  They are small and
    camouflaged  to be the same color as the bag, so they are hard to see.  But
you
    can easily hear the crinkling noises they make as they scurry around
    the bag.  Anything, up to and including shredding the bag, can be
    done  to kill them.  Note: any other cat you may find in a bag hunting for
    Bag Mice is fair game for a Sneak Attack, which will usually result
    in a great Tag match.

** FOOD:
    In order to get the energy to sleep, play, and hamper, a cat must
   eat. Eating, however, is only half the fun.  The other half is getting
    the food.  Cats have two ways to obtain food: convincing a human you are
    starving to death and must be fed *NOW*; and hunting for it oneself.
    The following are guidelines for getting fed.

    a) When the humans are eating, make sure you leave the tip of your
       tail in their dishes when they are not looking.

    b) Never eat food from your own bowl if you can steal some from the
       table.

    c) Never drink from your own water bowl if a human's glass is full
       enough to drink from.

    d) Should you catch something of your own outside, it is only polite
       to attempt  to get to know it.  Be insistent -- your food will
       usually not be so polite and try to leave.

    e) Table scraps are delicacies with which the humans are
        unfortunately
       unwilling to readily part.  It is beneath the Dignity of a cat to
       beg outright for food as lower forms of life such as dogs will,
       but several techniques exist for ensuring that the humans don't
       forget you exist.  These include, but are not limited to: jumping
       onto the lap of the "softest" human and purring loudly; lying
      down  in the doorway between the dining room and the kitchen, the
     Direct  Stare, and twining around people's legs as they sit and eat while
       meowing plaintively.

** SLEEPING:
    As mentioned above, in order to have enough energy for playing, a
    cat must get plenty of sleep.  It is generally not difficult to find a
    comfortable place to curl up.  Any place a human likes to sit is
   good, especially if it contrasts with your fur color.

    If it's in a sunbeam or near a heating duct or radiator, so much the
    better.  Of course, good places also exist outdoors, but have the
    disadvantages of being seasonal and dependent on current and
   previous weather conditions such as rain.  Open windows are a good
compromise.

** SCRATCHING POSTS:
    It is advised that cats use any scratching post the humans may
    provide.  They are very protective of what they think is their
    property and will object strongly if they catch you sharpening your
    claws on it. Being sneaky and doing it when they aren't around won't
    help, as they are very observant.  If you are an outdoor kitty,
    trees are good.  Sharpening your claws on a human is a definite no-no!

** HUMANS:
    Humans have three primary functions: to feed us, to play with and
   give attention to us, and to clean the litter box.  It is important to
    maintain one's Dignity when around humans so that they will not
   forget who is the master of the house.  Humans need to know basic rules.
    They can be taught if you start early and are consistent.

*****You will then have a smooth-running household.*****

                     Cat Bathing As A Martial Art


        Some people say cats never have to be bathed.  They say cats lick
themselves clean.  They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in
their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk - dislodging the dirt
where it hides and whisking it away.

        I've spent most of my life believing this folklore.  Like most
blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary,
the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges
that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

        The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he
must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary
and announce:  "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in
Juarez."

        When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have
some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your
arm and head for the bathtub:

        --  Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and
lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength.
Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield.  Don't try to
bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him.  Pick a
very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I
recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass
doors as if you were about to take a shower.  (A simple shower curtain
will not do.  A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain
quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

        --  Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all
the skin from your body.  Your advantage here is that you are smart and
know how to dress to protect yourself.  I recommend canvas overalls tucked
into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army
helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

        --  Prepare everything in advance.  There is no time to go out for
a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket.  Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure.  Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on
your back in the water.

        --  Use the element of surprise.  Pick up your cat nonchalantly,
as if to simply carry him to his supper dish.  (Cats will not usually
notice your strange attire.  They have little or no interest in fashion as
a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking
part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

        --  Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to
survival.  In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into
the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and
squirt him with shampoo.  You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of
your life.

        Cats have no handles.  Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and
the problem is radically compounded.  Do not expect to hold on to him for
more than two or three seconds at a time.  When you have him, however, you
must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy.
He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing
himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't
expect too much.)

        --  Next, the cat must be dried.  Novice cat bathers always assume
this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at
this point and the cat is just getting really determined.  In fact, the
drying is simple compared to what you have just been through.  That's
because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg.  You
simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait.
(Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your
army helmet.  If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him
loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is
drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the
cat.

        In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your
leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you.  He might even become
psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

        You will be tempted to assume he is angry.  This isn't usually the
case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

        But at least now he smells a lot better.