QQQ Archives » Extras » The conductor story From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

The world's best and most famous conductor made a small mistake
while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience
didn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew
he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the
performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said
"Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class
conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra
too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage,
only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized
bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not
retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of
conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night
with his wife of many years, he turned to her and said "Dear, would
you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he
rolled  over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the
small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had
finished, he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement
for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't
be serious!", and the conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba
player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor
was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the
charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour",
the conductor replied. "Do you realise that the sentence for first degree
murder in this state is death by electricution?",the  judge added.
The conductor thought for a moment, but came to the conclusion that death
would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes your honour",
the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the
conductor and said "You may have one last request before we terminate your
life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds,the conductor
replied "A silver platter with a dozen bananas."  His request was granted,
and the conductor scoffed the bananas. The room was emptied, and the switch
was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end, but he survived!
As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped.
"He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building, only to be greeted by his manager and
the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said.
More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night
with wife, he asked "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear",
she replied.

At his next performance, the conductor waited until the end of the
concert, the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time,
I'm annoucing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the
grenade,pulled the pin,and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded,
killing 23 members of the crowd.The police arrived, and he  was taken
away again.

"You again?",the judge asked,"I thought I'd sentenced you to death not
long ago?"  The conductor shrugged.
"Ok,how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said.
"Guilty to all counts", the  conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going
to the chair, the conductor was granted another last reuqest.
"A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas" was his answer. He scoffed the bananas
the room was evacuated and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd
manage to kill him this time,but their fears were realised when the conductor
regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body.
His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him
and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on, and the conductor had all that he could take.

"Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as
they lay in bed.  "Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor, and he didn't even wait for the
concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed,
and launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190
odd band members.The army was called in this time, and he was dragged away.

"You again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.

The conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?"
"Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed, "they deserved it!"
The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that
there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the cities' electrical
engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the
electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a  last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He scoffed the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric
chair was activated by remote control, some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through theruins
to find the conductor's ruined body.

His funeral was held some days later and as the casket was being lowered into
the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid.

Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked

"You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said.

"I'm just a bad conductor."