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REEL LIFE: Blueprints For Blockbusters: Let's go, C'mon!

By Timothy M. Gray

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - We've seen the summer's big action films and have
noticed -- dare we say it? -- a certain formula.
As a service for all you producers and screenwriters who are trying to
concoct something surefire for next summer, we have
compiled every element you'll need.

All of the following are taken from at least one of the summer's
blockbusters: ``Eraser,'' ``Independence Day,'' ``Mission:
Impossible,'' ``The Rock'' and ``Twister.'' (Not surprisingly, many
elements were used in more than one film.)

For those of you who haven't seen these movies, don't worry, we're not
giving anything away. Even if you haven't seen these
movies, believe me, you've seen them before.

ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL SCENES

A car exploding

A helicopter exploding

The hero and the love interest run toward the camera and hit the ground as
a building explodes five feet behind them.

Digital printouts at the bottom of the screen, indicating day and location
of the next scene (accompanied by the sound of teletype
machine)

The hero drives the wrong way into oncoming traffic, then crashes through
gates -- any gates.

When his colleague is shot, the hero, in slo-mo closeup, shouts:
``Nooooooo!''

TIMELESS SCENES THAT ARE STILL BEING USED

A dozen faceless villains fire on the hero, though none of their bullets
hit him. The hero then turns and kills them all.

The villain captures the heroes, then leaves them unguarded, allowing them
to cleverly escape.

Faced with a seemingly insoluble situation, a supporting character makes an
innocent remark. The hero rises slowly, says,
``What did you just say?'' and begins to execute his brilliant solution.

FUN WITH MINORITIES

Italians: Whether lovable or dangerous, they must all be dumb goombahs with
mob connections.

Women: either wives, fiancees or girlfriends (if any of them is pregnant or
a stripper, even better).

Jews: preferably old, with prayer shawls, yarmulkes and rising inflections.
Sample line: ``Nobody's poifect.''

Gays: swishy and/or hysterical, used for comic relief. Sample line:
``Eeeeeekkkk!''

Blacks, Hispanics, Asian-Americans: They can fulfill your quota needs by
playing sincere technicians with one line each.
Sample line: ``Sir, I'm getting a reading.''

ESSENTIAL COMPUTER SCENES

The hero sits at a computer, punches in info and his eyes widen when he
gets a response he wasn't expecting.

The computer flashes ``ACCESS DENIED,'' accompanied by loud beep-beep-beep
(in action films, unlike life, every computer
function is accompanied by R2D2-style musical accompaniment).

DIALOGUE

Dialogue must be distinctive and original. For example, here are the most
memorable lines from these memorable films.

``Twister'': ``We gotta get outta here!'' ``C'mon, c'mon!'' ``Let's go,
c'mon!'' ``Hurry, hurry!'' ``Run!'' and ``Get every
aluminum can you can find!''

``The Rock'': ``Drop your weapons! Drop 'em!'' ``Open fire!'' ``Cease
fire!'' ``They're onto us!'' ``Move!'' and ``Omigod!''

``Eraser'': ``Drop the guns! Do it now!'' ``Go, go!'' ``Go, go, go!''
``Stay down!'' ``Just calm down!'' and ``I want his face
on this windshield!''

``Mission: Impossible'': ``They're dead! They're all dead!'' ``Who sent
you? WHO SENT YOU?'' ``Why, Jim, why?'' ``A
doctor's gotta look at that.'' ``Jim was my husband. I want to get the
sonuvabitch who did this!'' and, significantly, ``This is
the Mount Everest of hacks.''

``Independence Day'': ``It's important for everyone not to panic!'' ``Let's
go, c'mon, c'mon!'' ``Don't argue with me, just
go!'' ``Omigod, omigod, omigod!'' ``Atlanta, Chicago and Philadelphia --
destroyed!'' ``Tiffany, I've got a really bad feeling
about this.'' ``Hold it, hold it: I'm getting something on radar!'' and,
significantly, ``God help us all.''

CINEMATIC TRIBUTES

Feel free to borrow plots, scenes and relationships from past movies --
``Topkapi,'' ``Die Hard,'' any James Bond movie, etc.
-- assuming the audience won't remember the original. However, if anyone
notices, explain that your borrowings are not a
ripoff, but an homage.

THE ACID TEST

Finally, reread your script and ask questions of logic:

If a man has been in prison for the last 30 years, would he be adept at
talking on a car phone while driving a Humvee?

Why is it that when the heroes get within five feet of a tornado, they only
have to dodge debris, but when the villains get within five feet of a
tornado, they get sucked up?

Is it difficult to fly a helicopter in the Chunnel? And is it hard for a
man to jump from a high-speed moving train onto a helicopter and then back
again?

If the hero falls onto a car with enough force to dent its roof and shatter
its windows, wouldn't he have a slight limp when he gets up and walks away?

When aliens are shaped like giant jellyfish, why are their spaceships
equipped with bucket seats and seatbelts? If aliens communicate via
telepathy, how come nobody in the alien realm notices two earthlings
smoking cigars? Could a stripper carrying a large child outrun a fireball?
Are earth's laptops all
compatible with computer systems from other galaxies?

If you come to the conclusion that these are silly questions, that logic
doesn't matter, and that the audience will buy anything, then you are ready
to start filming.