QQQ Archives » Extras » Academic humor 2 (Studying And Stress) From the Q Files, a subsidiary of Evil Mad Scientist Laboratories

    STUDY HINTS FROM THE DESK OF ANDREA WOOD:

Think
Read
Look at paper
Read all choices
Make a good design if nothing
Put name on paper
Spell name right
If you forget your name, make up one  (Cabbabge Patch Name?)
Smile
Make sure you bring something to write with
Be at test
Do not eat test
Do not distract teacher by wearing anything wild
Do not read pencil
Do not spit
Do not burp
Do not bite fingernails
Do not pick nose
Do not forget your brain
Do not forget your hands
Do not forget what class you are being tested for
Write essays if they ask for it
Do not write in a foreign language
Do not quote the bible in science class
Do not do math in pyshology
Do not make out right before test
Do not leave your paper. That weird guy next to you made up his name too.
Do not look out the window unless I am there...I may be too...
Do not use makers
Do not use colored pencils
Do not use paint
Do not use your feet to write your answers even though you are good!

STUDY HARD - GOOD LUCK




Now I Lay Me
Down to Study,
I Pray the Lord I
Won't Go Nutty.

If I Should Fail to
Learn this Junk,
I Pray the Lord I
Will Not Flunk.

But If I Do, Don't
Pity Me at All,
Just Lay My Bones
In the Study Hall.

Tell My Prof I Did
My Best,
Then Pile My
Books upon My Chest.

Now I Lay Me
Down to Rest,
And Pray I'll Pass
Tomorrow's Test.

If I Should Die
Before I Wake,
That's One less Test
I'll Have to Take.




                       PUT MORE STRESS INTO YOUR LIFE!

Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if
possible, lose some sleep over them.

Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow
them out of proportion.

Consider the power of negative thinking.

Hide your sense of humour. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your
vocabulary; concentrate on frowning.

If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more
time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are.

Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you
are awake day and night.

Practice the art of "hurry up and wait." This means dashing off to join a
line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet.

Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front.

To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the
starting grid for the Indy 500.

Never read a book or listen to music.

Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself.

Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them.

Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this
conviction until you are fired for lack of competence.

Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be
unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do.

Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse.

When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass
out.

Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it.

When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting
headache will supersede the original problem.