|QQQ Archives » Extras » Academic humor 2 (Studying And Stress)
STUDY HINTS FROM THE DESK OF ANDREA WOOD: Think Read Look at paper Read all choices Make a good design if nothing Put name on paper Spell name right If you forget your name, make up one (Cabbabge Patch Name?) Smile Make sure you bring something to write with Be at test Do not eat test Do not distract teacher by wearing anything wild Do not read pencil Do not spit Do not burp Do not bite fingernails Do not pick nose Do not forget your brain Do not forget your hands Do not forget what class you are being tested for Write essays if they ask for it Do not write in a foreign language Do not quote the bible in science class Do not do math in pyshology Do not make out right before test Do not leave your paper. That weird guy next to you made up his name too. Do not look out the window unless I am there...I may be too... Do not use makers Do not use colored pencils Do not use paint Do not use your feet to write your answers even though you are good! STUDY HARD - GOOD LUCK
Now I Lay Me Down to Study, I Pray the Lord I Won't Go Nutty. If I Should Fail to Learn this Junk, I Pray the Lord I Will Not Flunk. But If I Do, Don't Pity Me at All, Just Lay My Bones In the Study Hall. Tell My Prof I Did My Best, Then Pile My Books upon My Chest. Now I Lay Me Down to Rest, And Pray I'll Pass Tomorrow's Test. If I Should Die Before I Wake, That's One less Test I'll Have to Take.
PUT MORE STRESS INTO YOUR LIFE! Refuse to take action on nagging problems. Procrastinate, brood, and if possible, lose some sleep over them. Make a concerted effort to take note of irritations in your life and blow them out of proportion. Consider the power of negative thinking. Hide your sense of humour. Erase the words smile, joke, and laugh from your vocabulary; concentrate on frowning. If you've been working a 60 hour week, try 65 or 70 or 75! Spending more time at work will give you less time to consider how stressed you are. Consume vast quantities of caffeine. As a stimulant it will ensure that you are awake day and night. Practice the art of "hurry up and wait." This means dashing off to join a line-up somewhere - like the bank, cinema, or ticket outlet. Make sure you drive no further than two feet from the car in front. To relieve boredom while waiting for traffic lights, pretend you are on the starting grid for the Indy 500. Never read a book or listen to music. Play "Hide and Seek" by concealing important documents from yourself. Delegate nagging problems. You've proved that you can't deal with them. Tell yourself that your abilities are unlimited. Do not waver from this conviction until you are fired for lack of competence. Giggle nervously. It will make other people nervous, meetings will be unproductive and you won't come away with a long list of things to do. Find a disagreeable tennis partner. Perhaps your spouse. When feeling stressful, breathe deeply and hyperventilate until you pass out. Take up gardening. Nothing can be more stressful if you don't like it. When things are going badly, knock your head against the wall. The resulting headache will supersede the original problem.
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