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Rebecca
In-class Assignment for Wednesday
Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to
his or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first
paragraph of a short story. The partner will read the first paragraph
and then add another paragraph to the story. The first person will then
add a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to reread what
has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. The story
is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached.
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
camomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked camomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind
off Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about
him too much her asthma started acting up again. So camomile was out of
the question.
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron
now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation
17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit
established. No sign of resistance so far..." But before he could sign
off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole
through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him
flying out of his seat and across the cockpit.
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt
one last pang of regret for psychically brutalizing the one woman who had
ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel." Laurie read in her
newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her.
She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth -- when the days had
passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television
to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful
things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?"
she pondered wistfully.
Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands
of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian mothership launched the first of
its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed
the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were
determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage
of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying
enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them
they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile
entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile
submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million
other Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table.
"We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that treaty! Let's blow'em out
of the sky!"
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My
writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.
Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at
writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.
You total $*&.
Stupid %&#$!.
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city
park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes
out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman!"
Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai
Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
English 44A
SMU
Creative Writing
Prof Miller
----------------------------------------------------------------
College Seniors vs. Freshmen
Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.
Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.
Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.
Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.
Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.
Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a
recitation class.
Freshmen: Calls the professor "Professor."
Seniors: Calls the professor "Bob."
Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.
Seniors: Drives to class if it's further than three blocks away.
Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.
Seniors: Memorizes the professor's habits to get a good grade.
Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.
Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box
of pop tarts in hand.
Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.
Seniors: Has 'own' personal workstation.
Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.
Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.
Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.
Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.
Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.
Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October... maybe.
Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year
Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year
Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm
Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm
Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night
Senior: Calls Domino's every other night
Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs
Senior: Is appalled that the campus 'Subway' burned down over the summer
Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional
questions
Senior: Offers to 'tutor' conscientious frosh of opposite sex...
Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus
Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus
Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him,
the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to
expand one's horizons and really make a contribution to society
Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room
Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class
Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class
TOP 25 DIFFERENCES BETWEEN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE
25. In high school, you do homework. In college, you study.
24. No food is allowed in the hall in high school. In college, food must
be provided at an event before students will come.
23. In high school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in
college, on both.
22. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at
the teacher's guide.
21. In college, there are no tardy slips.
20. In high school, you have to live with your parents. In college, you
have to live with your friends.
19. In college, you don't have to wait in a certain lunch line to be
cool.
18. Only nerds e-mailed in high school. (Cool kids hadn't heard of it.)
17. In high school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you
get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you
have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your
tuition.
16. In high school, if you screw up you can usually sweet-talk your way
out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor.
15. In high school, fire drills are planned by the administration; in
college, by the drunk frat boys on their way home when the bars close.
14. In college, any test consists of a larger percentage of your grade
than your high school final exams ever did.
13. In high school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled
back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you
write it down.
12. In high school, freshman guys hit on senior girls. In college,
senior guys hit on freshman girls.
11. In college, weekends start on Thursday.
10. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course
schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out
where he/she will be walking around campus and at what time to find them
there.
9. Once you've obtained the information described in #10, it's much more
time-consuming to run between classes to that place where you know
he/she will be in order to "just happen to bump into him/her."
8. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day.
7. In college, your dad doesn't pay for dates.
6. In high school, it never took 3 or 4 weeks to get money from Mom and Dad.
5. It is harder to get expelled from College for smoking.
4. In college, sex is legal.
3. In college, when you miss a class (or two or three), you don't need a
note from your parents saying you were skip....uh, sick that day.
2. In high school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In
college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it.
1. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.
College News
Dear Parent(s), Date: ______________
I am too busy to write, but this checklist covers most of the topics of
interest to both of us.
__ Please send money (Cash)! Amount: ___________
__ Please send food (Cookies)! Dozens: ___________
__ Please send clean clothes!
__ Please send My Girlfriend/My Boyfriend/My ____friend (circle one)
__ I am in love!
__ I am in love with myself.
__ I hate men/women. (circle one)
__ I am engaged.
__ I got married last weekend.
__ My roommate worships the ground I walk on.
__ My roommate gave me a black eye.
__ My roommate committed suicide and left a note saying I was the reason.
__ My roommate is afraid of the dark and wants to sleep with me in my bed.
__ I don't have a roommate... anymore.
__ My Professors are sadistic water walkers.
__ My Professors are mental institution escapees.
__ My Professors are brain dead nerds.
__ I Haven't gone to class yet so I don't know my Professors.
__ I wrecked the car.
__ I can't use your credit card because I have exceeded the limit.
__ You are going to have a grandchild.
__ False alarm - you are NOT going to have a grandchild.
__ The food is great!
__ The food even makes me appreciate your cooking.
__ I have lost _____ pounds by not eating here.
__ I have had pizzas for the last eleven meals.
__ I have gained_____ pounds.
__ My roommate is in the hospital with mono.
__ My HIV test was: _____ positive _____ negative (check only one)
__ I died yesterday!
__ I am making all A's.
__ I am not being properly challenged.
__ I am making grades.
__ I will be home after this semester.
__ I study all the time.
__ I only study waking hours.
__ I only study on Sunday afternoon.
__ Huh?
__ I read my Bible/Torah/Quo'ran/_____ everyday. (circle one)
__ I can't read.
__ Someone stole my Bible while I was at a bar.
__ My white underwear is now _________________
__ I am saving money by not using detergent
__ Don't worry, I washed my clothes last semester
__ I hang my clothes out the window when it rains
__ My room can pass your "white glove" test
__ My room is only _____% full
__ My room could not be located last Saturday night
__ My room was rented by the ROTC for hazardous terrain training
__ I've stayed away from parties.
__ I don't inhale
__ I only go to meet people
__ I haven't been to a party since this morning
__ Hope you miss me
__ Hope you can live without me
__ Hope you are not overdoing the celebration of my absence
__ I miss you very much.
__ I don't miss you at all.
__ I miss the bird/cat/dog/snake/______ (circle one)
__ Your Daughter,
__ Your Son,
__ Yours,
__________________________________________
Signature (Scribble if Pre-Med or Pre-Law)
The Night Before Finals
'Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would e facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
A grin crossed his face as
He started to bellow:
What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
Found on a freshman's registration card: "Name of parents: Mamma and Papa."
Letter from son at school:
Dear Dad,
Gue$$ what I need mo$t. That'$ right. $end it $oon.
Be$t wi$he$,
Jay
Reply:
Dear Jay,
NOthing ever happens here. We kNOw you like school. Write
aNOther letter soon. Mom was asking about you at NOon.
NOw I have to say good-bye.
Dad
"BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO..."
(especially when you share the same major.)
PSYCHOLOGY: Girl accuses guy of just using her as a substitute for his
Mother.
SOCIOLOGY: Each claims to have been oppressed in the relationship.
RELIGION: Each prays for reconcilliation and/or curses God
ARCHAEOLOGY: One tries to bury the past, and accuses the other of trying
to dig it up.
THEATRE: "OH MY GOD! Life is... ENDED... as we KNOW it!"
BIOLOGY: "You just wanted to get in my genes!"
PHYSICS: Both resign themselves to the fact that what goes up must come
down.
JOURNALISM: "Today was the end of an era. Jack, 19, and Jill, 18, called
an end to their relationship of 2 weeks..."
WOMEN'S STUDIES: "HE did it!"
BUSINESS: Both decide that they're spending way too much money together,
and that it's simply cheaper to be single.
HISTORY: Each party argues the breakup was caused by something the
other party did in the past.
GEOGRAPHY: Both people decide to simply move far away to avoid each other.
ANATOMY: "I never liked your body anyway."
ECONOMICS: One party demands more than the other can supply.
ENGLISH: Each writes the other a perfect breakup letter, complete with
introduction, thesis, body, and conclusion, that doesn't really
say anything substantively intelligible.
EDUCATION: Both concede that the relationship was a learning experience.
COMPUTING: "Man, this bytes -- we just couldn't interface" and/or
"His hard drive was more like a floppy."
E. ENGINEER.: "It's just so shocking... I'm sure there are positives and
negatives, but..." [okay, yes, I know you're groaning ;-)]
ARCHITECTURE: "There just wasn't much to build on anyway..."
PHILOSOPHY: If 2 people break up in a dorm and there's no one to witness
the breakup, are they really single?
ZOOLOGY: They were able to mate like banshees, but lacked sophisticated
communication skills.
PHYS. ED.: They punch each other out in frustration.
CHEMISTRY: They turn to hard drugs to relieve the pain.
COUNSELING: Each urges the other to "get help!"
MUSIC: Each utilizes an operatic lament (or, in Tennessee, a country
song) to express his or her sorrow.
LAW: They sue each other for breach of a pre-dating agreement.
-- written by ADAM LASNIK
The Grad School Rap
This here's a message to you Mr. Fool
Who decided to go to graduate school
Tryin' to get yourself a higher degree
Is not all, what it's cracked up to be
Listen to me, cause I've collected data
Hear me now and believe me lat'r
I've studied in the north
And I've studied in the south
The conclusions I've drawn,
Leave no room for doubt!
You can come to school but if you're expectin' to stay
You better keep up your GPA.
There's been many who've been weeded out,
That's what the core courses are all about!
You gotta be tough, you gotta be strong
You gotta be smart or you won't last long.
You need Inspiration, Dedication
If you want to make it to your graduation.
You gotta read books all night and day
It's nothing but work, there's no time for play.
Conductin' research to its full potential
The workload o'er time grows _exponential_
Semesters are passin': spring, summer and fall
Instead of makin' progress, you hit a brick wall!
Your plan of work is not lookin' too fine
Expected year of graduation: 2009.
You could be makin' thousands in in-dus-try
Instead of livin' close to po-ver-ty.
Been in grad school, for far too long
And that's the reason for this sad, sad song.
Workin' late at night, and I'm feelin' tired
A few more cups of coffee and I'll be wired.
I got Laplace transforms and Fourier series
Books 'n papers just filled with theories.
Tryin' to do something that hasn't been done
Is like fightin' a battle that can't be won.
Well, I pushed myself, higher and higher
Till it was the time, to take the qualifiers
I walked into the test, it was a scary trip
But I had a weapon strapped to my hip.
It's the calculator and it's a friend of mine
He's got _every_ function: square root to cosine!
It's black and white, no shades of gray
I ain't the MC, I'm called the TA!
Gradin' papers, its an endless chore
The longer I grade, the lower the scores.
They line up at my door during office hours
I feel like a man with such great powers.
They crawl up to me in their distress
And ask me to help 'em, pass their test.
It seems like I'm in such demand,
cause they just don't seem, to understand:
How to integrate
and to transform,
how to calculate the mean
and the norm.
Well, they come to my office to express their grief
But the problem is they're lazy, beyond belief.
Two weeks in the semester, and they're three weeks behind
The situation just, blows my mind.
I say, you're clueless man, there is no doubt
You don't even know what I'm talkin' about.
It's obvious that, you won't pass
But it's not too late, to drop the class.
There's a lot of pain, and sufferin' at hand
But when we get out, we're talkin' 60 grand
Wearing gold chains, and drivin' a Mercedes
We'll be a big hit, with all the ladies
>From India to Hong Kong, in every town and street
Thousands will sing praises, and fall at our feet
It's not always sunshine, sometimes it's rain
But at the end of a rainbow, there's somethin' to gain
So my brother when they ask you, why you're here
Just tell 'em this, and do not fear
Disposable income is very cool
And that's the reason we go to Grad School!
Bag Lady Academia
------------------------------- --------------------------------
* Hang out in libraries * Hang out in libraries
* Lots of fresh air * Never see the sun
* Garbage cans * Vending machines
* Sleep anywhere * Sleep anywhere (see: libraries)
* Talk incoherently * Talk incoherently
* Collect interesting pieces of * Collect interesting pieces of
paper paper
* Engage in impassioned debates * Engage in impassioned debates
with space aliens in their with people who have never
native dialects left MIT
* Wear all my favorite clothes * Never a fashion slave
at once!
* Invent the present * Plagiarize
* Shopping carts * Filing cabinets
* Shelters * Conferences
* Magic things: pigeon feathers, * Ritual objects: signed pieces
a piece of string of paper, brass rats
* Research: are pebbles edible? * Research: can machines converse?
See other cool stuff at
Evil Mad Scientist
Laboratories